


Nebula

by Hino_Hime



Series: Cosmic Stardust [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Childhood Friends, Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Feelings, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, High School, Humor, I Don't Even Know, I had this idea and I went overboard with it, I'm Bad At Summaries, Multi-Works series, Mutual Pining, Non-Canon Relationship, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Overthinking, Pining, Pre-Kerberos Mission, Pre-Relationship, Reader-Insert, Relationship(s), Romance, Slight changes in some things, Slow Build, Slow Romance, but not yet, overture, slowburn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-16 09:50:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 54,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14162181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hino_Hime/pseuds/Hino_Hime
Summary: After years of training, the reader finds herself at the Garrison to become a scientist and fly to space. There she quickly learns that being a childhood friend of the school's beloved 'golden boy' comes with certain challenges...A rather light story (with more than one darker twist) about the (female) reader meeting her peers and childhood friend again and their little and big adventures before things may or may not go south.Set before the Kerberos mission.





	1. Messages (Prologue)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life is like a shooting star
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  _Our lives are a blink in time just like a shooting star_  
>  _Streaking across a moonless, cloudless night_  
>  its white-hot entry draws an arching line,  
> fizzles and dims before losing all light  
> while simulating lives like yours and mine. 
> 
> _Eternal stars still sparkle when it’s gone_  
>  and miss it not or even give a thought  
> to its so brief existence all alone  
> or atmospheric battles it just fought. 
> 
> _In space and time its life was just a blink_  
>  but for the shooting star it was profound.  
> Take some time to live life, love and think  
> while list’ning to life’s symphony’s sweet sound. 
> 
>   _May you live as long as the earth and mars._  
>  Be the one who’s remembered by the stars.  
> (Chuck Keller)  
> _____________________________________

Message 1

“Congratulations! You’ve made it aboard the space shuttle! Now lean back and enjoy the ride! [murmurs]  
Even though you’re piloting the thing…”

 

 

Message 2

“So… They told me, that I could record this message before your launch and they will let you open and listen to it when you are almost in Kerberos' orbit. I hope they keep their word because otherwise it would be a little embarrassing.

[Sighs]  
I-I don’t have anything sophisticated to say really, apart from this: I am proud of you. You made a wish such a long time ago and worked so hard for years for it to finally come true. That’s simply amazing. I’ve known you for so long yet you amaze me time and again with your dedication and excitement and hard work.  
Honestly I wish I could be there with you and see what you see because this mission is just such a huge advancement for mankind… Even though you might say something along the lines of “Collecting Ice-samples is not that exciting!”  
And I would pout because you have no idea..! I mean you do, but...  
Seriously though, all jokes aside, I have no words to let you know how much your progress and the realization of your dream means to me.  
I am so eager to hear all the stories and what you’ve learned when you are back.  
Please stay safe and be nice to Matt, he’s REALLY excited about the ice!”

 

 

Message 3

“It’s been two weeks since your ship vanished from our radar completely. I asked the technical staff to forward my messages anyway. You can imagine the weird looks they gave me, but nobody said a thing.  
Even I know it’s pointless.  
Might be, that the ship crashed but maybe…Just maybe there’s the chance of this signal getting through to you anyway.

[loud inhale]  
Because if it does, we might get a feedback-loop so we can find you… No matter where you are.”

 

 

Message 4

“After more than a month without a signal they declared all of you dead. As if you've just vanished. I don’t know how to cope with this. It’s just so much of everything but most of all I am terrified. Scared. And alone.  
Because losing you was not part of our masterplan.  
You remember?  
The one with the hideout ins space and the flying caravan? That one.  
[sighs]  
I am sorry. I am not making any sense here. Imagine THIS was the only message to get through to you! How confused you might be! Despite everyone telling me these messages have always been pointless and even more so now, I can't get myself to not try.

[muffled sob]  
I just cannot imagine that you would be the one responsible for the crash after you wrecked the flight-simulator again and again and landed perfect scores on the most difficult of manoeuvres.  
And yet, maybe overall I cannot believe that you would be gone... Just like that.”

 

 

Message 5

“They’ve put together a rescue mission, despite the Higher-ups and Generals not wanting to waste money, resources and personnel. The scientific staff told them, that we might find evidence on Kerberos or at least some traces of what might have happened to you three. The best-case-scenario would be to find you after half a year – a year if we're fast. All three of you healthy and in one piece and simply without communication devices. The worst-case…  
Anyway, I applied for it and Iverson pulled a few strings so I am going. Wherever you are, I will come and pick you up.”

 

 

Message 6

“This will be the last message I will send into the seemingly endless open space. The staff at the communication booth are going to be happy that the lunatic is gone...

Launch is set in a few hours. I am nervous but I will not change my mind. It just feels like it is something I simply have to do.  
Takashi, please wait for me. I’m bringing you home.”

__________________________________________

 

 

Welcome, dear reader to my very first Fanfiction!  
I am happy to have you here and I hope you give this drabble of mine a go! I changed a few things around which will become apparent from the next chapter onwards to make the whole thing as round as possible.

Always feel free to comment, or stalk me on

[Twitter](https://twitter.com/justhinothings)  


There is also a [Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhyRr3fH5Dvlzt9AzQ3iWPGNiZXxkdZ8I) to this fan fiction I'll update as we progress to avoid spoilers.

Thank you so much for reading <3


	2. Arrival

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't stop until you are satisfied.  
> You want an explanation?  
> Ask.  
> You want to be successful?  
> Work for it.  
> Don't settle for results you don't want.  
> Don't stop until you are satisfied.  
> ______________________________________

Being new was never fun. Be it the new kid in class or moving countries. The foreign always had something dark in it. The unknown was so far outside of everybody's comfort zone that being repelled was almost certain.  
As you stood in front of the mirror in your room you could clearly tell that you were very nervous about your first day at school. You could only hope that everyone else was feeling the same so you would not stick out as much.  
Or, to be more precise, not to stack up your difference even higher.

Up to this point, nothing happened the way you expected it to be. The full-scholarship came with a single-bedroom which already caused rumours and almost hateful glares as you left the office on your day of arrival. As if working hard to flee home was something to be envious of. As if you were informed weeks before arriving and not only the day you made it here.  
Furthermore, the single-bedroom you've been assigned wasn't more than that: a room with just a single bed and desk instead of two. It wasn't really any bigger and you had to share the bathroom with everyone else anyway.  
But you already learned that every tiny difference could be used to be made the centre of attention and for everyone to make fun of.  
Not that you were too concerned about the others in the first place, you tried to convince yourself.  
You had only hoped to at least make an impression by yourself and not the circumstances that brought you to the Garrison.

You took at look at your watch and a deep breath in. It was time to make your way to the initiation-ceremony all the way on the other side of the base.  
Too much time and distance to make a fool out of yourself. Still, you were way too excited to finally be at the Garrison to let that drown out your good mood.  
  
It took only a few minutes until you ran over a pretty girl on your way across the courtyard because you only had eyes for the map they gave you.  
You both landed softly in the grass but despite your best efforts apologizing to her and trying to laugh it off, she only shrieked and told everyone around you, that you hurled yourself at her to harm her.  
A small group assembled almost instantly.  
It only took a few more moments for you to learn that she was idolized by the majority of your year.  
As the situation began to spiral into something you would’ve never guessed, the bell rang twice and everyone made their way to the reception hall, shooting you glares of ice.  
You were confused and honestly a little scared.  
This small encounter was far from over. It only made you an even bigger target because now they had a face to the honorary student who had it all.

Since you did not dare to be late on your first day, you quickly got up and ran after them.

  


Luckily you made it right on time. As you quickly searched the hall for a free seat you spotted one next to a rather handsome boy all the way on the back. Despite his gorgeous face he was sitting there all by himself. You guessed it was because he gave off an aura to be intimidated by.  
You could feel it too but if there was one thing you've learned over the past years it was that those people might not be as scary if you only get to know them. Additionally he seemed by far not as scary as the girl from earlier. The worst that could happen was that you sat there in silence through the whole ceremony.  
Making your way to him you could hear the people around you mumbling and exchanging glares.

_\- Isn't that the new student?_

_\- It's a girl?!_

_\- Why is she getting over to him?_

_\- I can't wait for him to tell her off!_

You had to smile inwardly at these comments. It was always interesting how other people thought they knew it all. And with them talking about the boy like that, he became even more interesting to you.  
He looked up as you took the seat right next to him, both of you fully aware of the stares it caused.

“Maybe I should have asked if you were waiting for someone before sitting down but it was the only seat available I could pinpoint so...”, you began awkwardly but stopped when he didn't say a thing.

More murmurs.

Your heart was pounding really fast as you feared to make a fool of yourself once more.

  
He looked at you for a brief moment before he averted his gaze, “If you would have listened to the others you would know that I am waiting for no one. As always. And I suggest you look for another seat if you ever wish to be at good terms with your peers.”

You blinked.

“Why would I want to listen what they have to say if they don't know me?”

His expression changed from unmoved to surprised to the slightest hint of a smile.

“They _think_ they know you. You're the big shot of the year. Everyone knows about you and your grades. So they think they know who you are. Especially since you're acquainted with our ' _golden boy'_.”

“And what do you think?”, your gaze is unmoved as you patiently waited, trying to ignore his last remark.

You did not care about the others. It was always the same, wherever you went. Being new made you an easy target. The excitement about being at the same location as _him_ made you almost immune to their chatter anyway.

He seemed surprised once more at your response and since he didn't say anything you continued, “I don't care about those who waste time and energy on rumours. I know a lot of such people and they have to fight their own battle by compensating it with putting me down. But I decide not to be a part of this.”

The silence that followed was interrupted by muffled laughter from a few students around you, still waiting for him to snap at you or whatever they expected. You were a little surprised about your honesty and boldness towards someone you've never seen before given the amount of nervousness you felt. Yet you could feel it somehow that he would not take advantage of that.

He was still not saying anything which made you think you made a mistake or said something wrong. While you started wrecking your brain for something to say he finally opened his mouth.

“I think you're quite alright. Still, you should not be around me. I am not exactly a guy with a big fanbase.”, his voice brought you back to the real world.

He seemed as if he wanted to say more but the lights dimmed.

As the head of the base took the stage, you leaned over to him and whispered, “That would make two of us.”

  


You've been to enough schools to knew how such ceremonies went. It wasn't the most exciting thing but it gave you an opportunity to assess the amount of people you would have to deal with as well as remind you how far you've come and how far you still had to go.  
It would not be easy but you were certain that you could do it.  
As one speech followed the next you scanned to room to look for the person who brought you here. Or better yet who was the driving force behind your efforts.  
It has been three years since you last saw him and the only references you had were the pictures in the yearbook and those you saw on the internal newscast a few days ago.

It was already known that you two knew each other from before the Garrison. How that became public you could only guess.  
Some speculated that he pulled some strings, as the teachers pet he was, to bring you here.  
It hurt you that such evil stories were shared, especially on his expanse.  
  
“Front row, third seat from the left.”, the boy next to you mumbled as if talking to himself, only staring at the stage.  
You curtly nodded and told yourself to remember to thank him later.

As you casually looked around the room once more you felt your heart beating faster and faster from the excitement to finally see him again.  
The moment you found him and a smile started to appear on your lips you heard General Iverson call your name.

You stood up and saluted.

He presented you in front of everyone as the honorary-student of the year and praised your skills that brought you there.  
It wasn't exactly your favourite way of being introduced but you could do nothing against it. It would only add up to whatever they thought they knew about you.

As Iverson went on for what felt like an eternity you shyly peeked down to the front row.  
Seeing him in person after months of only exchanging text messages felt as if a huge weight was lifted off of your shoulders. His dark eyes lingered on your face for a moment before he smiled and jokingly saluted you.

With your introduction, the ceremony ended and most people immediately fled the hall. It was the last free afternoon before school started officially the next day, so you guessed everyone was eager to spend it outside and with friends.  
You rose as well, not knowing exactly what to do now since you did not know anybody besides _him_. Once more you looked down where he stood, surrounded by students and teachers, deep in thought. Not the ideal time to rush towards him.  
Instead maybe getting used to the base would prove helpful.

You waved at the boy next to you and started to make your leave when he spoke, “Need an excuse not to be alone?”

You turned and tiled your head to one side, wondering if he could read your mind or if you looked so lost, “Thank you for the kind offer but you do not have to hang out with a freshman. I bet you have some things to take care of as well. Oh, and thank you for pointing out where to look.”

You smiled and before he could respond you walked out of the hall.  
Time to get familiar with this place.

  


Twenty minutes later you've lost track of where you were. A little frustrated you decided to leave the maze-like corridors and head outside. There has to be a way to get back to the centre courtyard and ultimately to your room.  
The sun was setting by now and you decided to take a break on one of the few benches outside.  
Maybe you should've said yes to the offer of the boy instead of letting your pride get the better of you.  
And maybe you should've asked for his name.  
You let out a sigh and looked around. People were walking around, making small picnics or simply enjoyed the sun in groups or alone.

This first day felt way too much like one of those high-school-stories. Way too cliché. The only thing missing was a knight in shining armour who would pop up right in front of you and who would guide you back to your room.  
  
“Sometimes you shouldn't be so stubborn.”, a male voice said, turning your face in a grimace.  
You looked up and there he was at the call of his cue.  
The knight to help you, the damsel in distress.  
It was the boy from the ceremony, his hands crossed in front of his chest, looking at you with a certain degree of annoyance.

“What kind of badly written story is this?”, you said to yourself, before addressing him, “I am just taking a rest here.”

He exhaled deeply, dropping his hands to his sides, before taking a seat next to you.  
Why did it seemed like him had followed you around just to pop up in case you needed someone?

“I admit it. I am lost. But I have to find my way around here anyway so I am fine. I have to learn my own way!”, you grinned.

_I just don't want to bother anyone..._

Another silence between you two.

You had no idea if you should just stand up and try to find your way back on your own or if you should ask for help.

“My name is [Y/N], [L/N]. In case you're interested... But maybe you already know...”, you felt awkward.

Of course he knew your name by now, he was at the ceremony right next to you!

“Let's get you back to your room, [Y/N]. You don't want your first day to end with getting caught after light's out.”, he rose and waited for you to follow him.

Did he try to crack a joke about the amount of time it would take you to find your way on your own? You smiled at the thought, asking the question out loud.

“Being out in the dark is no laughing matter.”, he simply replied with the slightest hint of amusement in his voice.

You rose and you two began your way back. It only took a few minutes and more turns than you could possibly remember just yet, until you stopped in front of the doors to your assigned wing.  
How should you ever be able to find your way around?

“If I will not see you around tomorrow I will put together a search party.”, he said as he waved you goodbye, leaving you there, laughing.

He seemed rough on the outside and pretty hard to approach but something told you that he could become a great comrade if you were only persistent enough to match his ways.

  


The next morning you woke with a start, not knowing were you were at first until it all came back to you and you smiled shyly. After years of training and pushing yourself you finally made it to the Garrison, ready to take on the new tasks awaiting you.  
And you were no longer alone. Checking your phone you saw that the alarm would've gone off in a few minutes anyway. You decided to get up and ready for breakfast.  
  
The dining hall was rather easy to find, even for you – just down the hallway.  
Despite the early hour it was already buzzing and it proved impossible to find a seat all by yourself.  
  
_Another round of awkward interactions incoming..._  
  
You made a face at that thought takinga seat next to a group of three boys, who seemed to be in deep conversation about today's breakfast.

“You can't tell me that this is supposed to be oatmeal!?”, the lean one with dark hair said while gesturing to his bow filled with brownish goo.

“Lance, I swear to you, it is oatmeal and nothing else.”, the bigger one replied as if to soothe his friend.

The smallest one fumbled with his glasses, while slowly shaking his head in amusement. He was the first one to notice you which lead him to smile, “Good morning!”

The other two, suddenly aware of your presence, looked at you with surprise, stopping their argument for a brief moment.  
You just froze, half sitting, half standing, being your most awkward self yet.

“G-Good morning. I am sorry. I did not mean to interrupt...”, you stammered while properly taking a seat.

Their sudden attention took you off-guard

The three of them blinked before the one, addressed as Lance said, “Does this look like oatmeal to you?”, shoving his bowl into your face.

He waited patiently for your response, being completely honest about this being the most important situation right here, right now.  
You looked into the bowl once again, trying to hide a grin. It really looked nothing like oatmeal.

“Did you try it?”, you ask, a sincere look on your face.

Lance's eyes became bigger, “I need to know what I am about to eat, the uncertainty scares me!”

The other two rolled their eyes as if this was not a completely new situation.

Without hesitating you took your spoon, scooped out some goo from Lance's bowl and dramatically shoved it in your mouth. It tasted like oatmeal alright just with way too much cinnamon and something else you really did not want to know.

“You are either a very brave person or a lunatic.”, the small one with the glasses said with a slight hint of admiration.

“I vote lunatic...”, Lance said.

You swallowed the goo, sticking out your tongue, “It's oatmeal but the amount of cinnamon could put an army to sleep...”

Lance looked at his bowl once again, then back at you, “You saved my life.”

You hint a bow, offering him half of your toast, “Here. A trade-offering. For eating your goo. I am [Y/N]...”, again you stopped yourself.  
  
They must've been at the ceremony yesterday so they already knew you.

Yet no change in their behaviour occurred by you stating the obvious, as Lance took your toast, giving you his name while swallowing it almost in one go.  
The bigger one said his name was Hunk and the small one Pidge.  
As you ate the remains of your breakfast you talked about your expectations for this day and ultimately your career. It turned out that you had some classes together, as they were freshmen just like you. Having some friendly faces around was making you feel fuzzy on the inside. They asked no questions about why you would sit with them but interacted as if you've been there from the start.  
They seemed like very nice people each with their own tics you were excited to discover in depth.

“May I ask how you've got the scholarship?”, Pidge's question took you by surprise as it came out of nowhere, “I know that the Garrison offers one slot each year but I never managed to get any information about it, so I am curious.”, the look in his eyes was the one of pure curiosity.

“I basically just wrote a letter, asking them to tell me what to do to get a full-scholarship here as I saw myself nowhere else. It was part application and part plea if I think back... I only had one shot at this and honestly when I remember what I wrote...”, you buried your face in your hands and remained like that for a few moments, letting the shame flood through you, “I waited for weeks for an answer, almost losing hope. Then the letter came, instructing me to show up two weeks later and prepare this and that. I can show it to you if we have some time later.”

Pidge seemed over the moon at this offer and it made you glad that you decided to take a seat next to them.

  


The first few classes went by in a blur, leaving you with almost more questions then answers. As much as you loved theoretical astrophysics you felt like you've been missing some of the fundamental theorems everyone else seemed to be able to grasp easily.  
This would be a long night, you were certain of it. Furthermore you would need some help with some of the topics as you've never even heard about them. Maybe Hunk could help? He appeared to be a born engineer from what you've gathered at breakfast, so he might be able to help you with the basics. You decided to ask him as soon as you spotted him, already thinking about how to repay him in case he said yes.

The last class before lunch break was hands-on-combat. This seemed to you like the worst timing for such a class because everyone was literally hungry like a wolf, the blood sugars at their lowest point.  
You were one of the last to walk into the training room in full gear, taking in the atmosphere. The floor was lined with mattresses to avoid injuries. At the back of the room a lot of equipment for all types of training was stored along an assortment of rubber-weapons.  
You imagined everyone equipped with one of those, hammering at each other like madmen. It made you chuckle a little.  
The whole left side was basically one gigantic window, lighting up the room with natural light. The view itself was breathtaking. The dessert around the Garrison was filled with life after all...

General Iverson called you all to him, giving another welcome speech, “Cadets, this is you hands-on-combat-course. Since you need to defend yourself in the toughest of situations we integrated it into your curriculum right from the start. Here you have the opportunity to learn new techniques from your teacher and share them among yourself and your older comrades. This is a joint class, meaning the second-years will be paired up with you. This will help them learn how to guide and lead.”

For a moment you thought you might have a class with _him_ , but then you remembered that he was already a senior. Yet there was another familiar face.  
You inhaled sharply as you spotted the boy from the ceremony next to his classmates. You shot him a crooked smile to which he responded with a nod.

Iverson and the teacher already started to pair you up. You were matched with a boy who looked a little annoyed as he walked towards you.  
He told you his name which you did not catch over the scream of the girl you've run over the day before.  
Naturally she was paired with the pretty boy and of course, she did not like it.  
  
“Why did I get the troublemaker? What have I ever done?”, she looked as if she would start to cry any moment, putting the teacher in a tight spot, “I cannot fight to my fullest potential with someone like him who's only planning on dragging me down with him!”

The boy did not say anything nor did his face betray him. You had no idea what he thought but knowing how it felt like to be in such a situation you took your assigned combat-partner's hand and walked over to her.

“Ma'am, may I put forward a suggestion?”, you asked your teacher, making the girl cross her arms, her eyes shooting poison at you.

The teacher gestured you to keep on talking, “Since I am new here, it might not be my place to suggest such a thing, but if my comrade is not able to unfold her full potential for one reason or another, I may put the idea forward of us exchanging partners, if that would help her.”

Everybody stared at you, which you tried to ignore, feeling that what you did was the right thing to do even if it seemed awkward. You just couldn't stand such pointless and unfair behaviour.

The girl thought for a moment, obviously checking out your assigned partner, before smiling, “Finally someone who gets it!”

The teacher let out a sigh and in the corner of your eye you saw Iverson rolling his eyes at her tantrum and ultimate reaction. Yet with this, the deal was done and class resumed.

  


The first assignment was to get to know each other. You hated that. Smalltalk was another thing you never seemed to get right. Furthermore, this guy did not seemed like a great talker. Still, as you remembered yesterday you knew that he was not as cold as he appeared at first glance.

“I am sorry I intervened back there. It had nothing to do with me.”, you began, wanting to make some sort of conversation while warming up.

He just shrugged and remained silent.

You exhaled rather loudly, “Look, I am not good at this ' _get to know each other_ '-stuff and I hate this forced interactions probably as much as you but since we're stuck here can I at least have your name so I have something to shout in frustration?”

There, you said it. Somehow he made it easy for you to be yourself without feeling completely out of place. Maybe because he did not talk much at all.

“Why would you shout my name in frustration?”, he looked genuinely interested.

“Because swearing is nothing a lady could do and ' _pretty boy_ ' is not as powerful.”, you said bluntly, slightly blushing after you've realized what you just said.

The boy blinked a few times before he chuckled as he did the day before.  
At least _some_ progress was made.

“Keith. My name is Keith. But for you _pretty boy_ is also an option of course.”, he smirked.

You playfully rolled your eyes, “Let me guess, you will tend to it so I never forget I've said that?”

He laughed and you went on with the warm-up, before moving to the centre stage so he could assess your abilities.  
Your teacher laid out the combat-schemes you and your partner should try out, which included some basic sparring, evasion and overall fitness.  
It was rather similar to the drill you went through at the entrance-exam, with a few additional knacks.

“Are you comfortable with the routine?”, Keith asked you as you got yourselves into fighting position.

“As comfortable as I'll ever be.”, and with that you ran towards him, just to make a quick step to the left to avoid his punch.

He immediately reacted and turned around to turn your legs with his own, so you would fall, but with a sharp movement of your left knee you stepped up and made a backflip like movement which looked very cool until you landed on your behind because Keith kicked your legs ever so slightly.  
You lay there, flat on your back, already out of breath and very very embarrassed.

“Are you okay?”, he asked, offering you his hand to get up.

You took it yet you averted his eyes, “Sorry. That was amateur-level. Can we start again.?”

“[Y/N], that was interestingly good. The way the routine should go... You basically ignored it because you saw my first punch coming out of nowhere and you had to improvise. That is very impressive, even though the fall looked kinda...hurtful.”, you looked at him in disbelief.  
  
“Your balancing was rather bad right now but your speed and reaction time are good and you're quick to assess the situation. That's not what I would call an amateur. We have a lot of work to do but a solid base.”. He extended his right hand, “I am glad you intervened.”

  


You've never been happier to sit in front of a bowl of elusively grey goo advertised as _'vegetable soup_ ' for lunch. Your behind still hurt from your fall but you were still rather content with how the combat went aftwerwards.  
And Keith was a good teacher from what you've seen so far.  
After you've finished your meal you decided to step outside for a bit but were stopped by the girl from before and a group around her.  
You remembered that her name was Tanja.

“Look who's here! Our honorary-student!”, she smiled at you in a way that made your blood run cold, “You think you're a good Samaritan, don't you? Just because you took the opportunity to lick our combat-teacher's boots by acting all nice.”

Despite your calm face you started to feel like throwing up from the humiliation. Why would she act like this? You didn't even know each other at all. Then again, you remembered, some people don't need a reason. Her friends started to giggle, encouraging her.  
You remained calm on the outside, not wanting to give her the satisfaction of seeing how much her words stung.

“Now everyone thinks you're clever AND kind! But I won't buy any of it!”, she walks up to you, leaning in close to your ear, hissing, “I know that you're only here because you banged Shiro who pulled all strings to his disposal.”

How come that the prettiest girls always knew the dirtiest words?  
Knowing that what she just said would not be her idea alone made your internals twist and turn. It was one thing if they did not like you for whatever reason. But Shiro had nothing to do with any of this.

“I bet he even made us of his body himself to get you here. I wonder what he would say if he knew you got a thing going with Garrison's troublemaker, Keith?”, she smiled and showed teeth too white, “Or don't you even care about that at all as long as you get what you think you deserve?”

Her words cut at your heart with sharp blades. It's been the same wherever you went, in every new school, every new city. You thought you've fled it all the day you went out that door to come to the Garrison.  
No matter how hard you worked or tried to make friends or to remain calm, all by yourself, they always found you and started to attempt to hurt you, physically and verbally.  
Still, you never gave them the delight of showing them how hurt you really were. Maybe that was your revenge. You wanted to believe that you were strong and alright on your own.

Your eyes remained expressionless as she flicked her hair back, trying to stare you down.

“You should have your guard up at all times, you hear me, [Y/N]? Because one false step and everyone will know what a false game you're playing.”, with a click of her tongue the girl and her friends walked away, leaving you there, grasping for air.

**  
**

_It was the last day before he would leave and start his training at the Garrison, the world's renowned academy to train interstellar pilots and engineers. His parents must've been so proud when he got in a year earlier.  
You knew he was clever so there never existed the slightest doubt in your mind that he would make it. Yet you were sad that he had to leave at all._

“ _In three years you'll be right there with me and we will fly to the stars. It will be over in a flash!”, he tried to cheer you up as you sat on the hill behind his house._

“ _Maybe. But you will forget about me there with all the new things you'll learn.”, you could not imagine a world where he was not around._

_Especially not after your foster-family decided to move to another city in a foreign Country as well, making you leave everything you've ever known behind.  
This was your home and he was your anchor, always being there. There was hardly anything you did not share._

“ _That is never going to happen. How could I forget someone who eats a jumbo-ice-cream in under five minutes?!”, he smiled and his dark eyes rested on your face._

_You stuck out your tongue.  
Those were moments you would get to miss the most._

  


Afternoon-classes mainly revolved around the flight-simulator. Both in theory and practice. You've only ever read about it, so you were not too eager to have your skills tested in front of everyone.  
Since Lance, Hunk and Pidge were in your group as well you had at least someone on your side. Something you could definitely need after your encounter at lunch.  
Her words still rang in your head, making it hard for you to concentrate on the explanations.  
Hunk noticed something was up but you did not want to drag him down, so you just said you were tired and if he could help you with the theorems you never heard of.

“Sure I can try... Even though I am not entirely sure I understood everything myself. Especially High-Energy Astrophysics is not my cup of tea.”, he admitted, his face clearly showing that he was concerned about you and your well-being.

“I've heard that you can subscribe to a list in the headmaster's office with your problems and they can look for a tutor or mentor or whatever they call it. I offer cooking classes and basic engineering in a hands-on-way. Not sure if anyone would want that but trying doesn't hurt, right?”, he smiled at you.

Maybe you could try it?  
For a short moment you thought about asking Shiro for help but you were almost certain that he had enough stuff on his plate anyway. This might've also been the reason you haven't really seen him around yet.  
Your attention was then called to the introduction of the compartments of the simulator itself. It looked way bigger than you've imagined and even more complicated.  
How should you ever be able to pilot this thing?

The first test was to get the simulated space-craft out of the hangar and into the air. No tricks, nothing. It was calming to you that some failed miserably without being called out and some hardly made it.  
Then it was your turn.  
The officer in charge explained the controls to you once again before you were left to your own devices in the dark of the cockpit.

At least they could not see your face, slightly scared, but only the screen.

_\- Simulation, start._

The screen lit up showing the inside of a typical hangar and the big door opening slowly. You checked the systems, reporting everything as you've been instructed to do, back to your officer, before proceeding to gain momentum with the shuttle.

Your hands felt sweaty as you passed the doors and rolled unto the runway. So far everything's worked fine but you had to get the shuttle into the air.  
You steadily accelerated the shuttle until the screen showed the end of the runway. With a deep inhale you pulled back the joy-stick, lifting it into the air.  
Relief flooded through you for a brief moment, just before an emergency warning blared across the screen and you crashed into the ground after making a 360.

Maybe you should've let go of the joy-stick at some point.

Dumbstruck you stared at the black screen.  
Did this really just happen?  
The officer opened the door, telling you to get out. With your head held high you waited for him to scold you but he only nodded once before letting the next student into the simulator.  
  
He then turned to you, his voice hushed, “We have to re-evaluate this. There was something that crashed the simulation.”  
  
“Sir, I did as I crashed into the earth.”, you answered, ashamed, yet having a hard time not to burst out laughing at yourself for the absurdity of the situation“From now on I will pay closer attention to my surroundings.”

He looked at you in disbelief but did not say anything after that.  
You watched the other cadets as they made it out of the hangar, some in a better some in a worse way. But nobody else crashed the way you did.  
Not even Lance who was flying some crazy manoeuvres despite the officer yelling at him to stop it. When he exited the simulator your cheeks hurt from laughing.

  


The flight-simulator concluded your first full day of school, leaving you with a few hours until dinner. You wanted to attack the unknown theorems such as the basics of the Hertzsprung-Russel diagram, but you had to give up after a few pages. You were missing something essential to understand why it was so important in the first place.  
Remembering Hunk's suggestion about the learning-exchange you decided to give it a go. The worst thing was that nobody wanted to help you and that you had to camp at the library.  
Not a dream-come-true but at least rent was free.

You made your way to the headmaster's office where your question was met with surprised expressions as your standing as honorary-student seemed to come with extra knowledge.  
You left them your name, class and the area you needed help with – theoretical background of theoretical astrophysics, what a tongue-twister – before making your way out again.  
It seemed clever to keep the request rather vague as you had no idea what kind of problems you would encounter after you've mastered the seemingly most basic concepts. After all, it was voluntary help so if all your questions were answered you would discontinue the lessons.

Checking your watch you decided to take a stroll, along the ways you already knew, before grabbing dinner and spent the rest of the evening studying. You found yourself outside at the centre courtyard again. The sun was slowly setting, painting the sky in flames.  
Inhaling the warm dessert-air you could not help but be happy that you've finally made it here. It was a relief you could not put into words.

_________________________________________

This concludes the first chapter, thank you so much for being here! From the next chapter onwards there will be a bit more action, I promise!  
I hope you stick around for a while. :)

As always feel free to stalk me over on

[Twitter](https://twitter.com/justhinothings)

There is also a [Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhyRr3fH5Dvlzt9AzQ3iWPGNiZXxkdZ8I) to this fan fiction I'll update as we progress to avoid spoilers.

Thank you so much for reading <3

I see you in the next chapter!


	3. Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may not see it today or tomorrow,  
> but you will look back in a few years and be absolutely perplexed  
> and awed by how every little thing added up  
> and brought you somewhere wonderful-  
> or where you always wanted to be.  
> You will be grateful that things didn't work out  
> you once wanted them to.  
> _________________________________________________________

You felt like a zombie as you slumped into the seat next to Hunk the next morning. Since you were stubborn after all, you started to work through the things you did not understand on your own. It proved impossible and at this point you already started to regret your decision.

“Day three and you already look like you're in senior year.”, Pidge said worryingly.

“But still, you're beautiful.”, Lance smiled offering you a piece of apple.

“I am just the honorary-student who has no idea of fundamental astrophysics... Nothing beautiful there I'm afraid.”, you replied, suppressing a yawn, still thankful for them to try and cheer you up.

  
  


Fortunately the teacher saw no need to rush right into the matter of theoretical astrophysics yet, which gave you another day of trial and error. Instead, she went a step back and refreshed your knowledge on integral calculuses, something you knew like the back of your hand.  
Still you decided to keep a low profile and not answer all her questions yourself but let your peers go first instead. Your brain needed every bit of relaxation there was.

Since you knew most of the specifics of integral calculuses you let your mind wander as you peered out of the window.  
It looked like it was about to rain, dark clouds gathering over the mountain-like structure not too far from the base.  
“Mrs. [L/N], since you seem to be already done with example 4b could you share your findings on this specific case with us?”, the teacher's voice was sharp yet not exactly rude.

You quickly scanned your textbook to pause for a brief moment before giving your answer, which you hoped was correct.  
She looked at you with big eyes. You swallowed hard.

_Don't let her find out that you only guessed that._

“Correct.”, she said after a few moments not able to hide the amazement in her voice.

For a brief second you were proud of yourself. But only until you realized that you solved the example without having written down a single thing.  
And everyone else noticed as well.  
Another thing they can put on the list of why they did not like you. Because everything is so easy for you.  
Because you've had it all.

  
  


Lunch-break was dearly needed after you’ve got beaten down again and again, Keith not showing any signs of taking it easy with you. And honestly you liked that about him. He was not treating you in a different way just because you so happened to get your education paid for. Or you were too proud to sleep instead of trying the impossible.  
Still, he seemed to notice that you were not up to full energy – the dark circles under your eyes might gave something away – but he didn’t say a word until the end of the lesson.

“You want to tell me what’s bothering you? Your performance wasn’t exactly great. Not horrible exactly but not great either.”, his voice for once was calm and kind.

“Nothing really. It’s honestly ridiculous to begin with.”, you answered, “I am just trying to make heads or tails about theoretical astrophysics in its most fundamental way. I almost pulled an all-nighter but it was no use.”

“I’ve had the same issues when I started. A really hard time to get into it. But once you do, it becomes really fascinating.”, you blinked in wonder, hardly believing that Keith would have been in the same kind of dilemma.

You knew he was an honorary-student himself and by what you've read and heard, he was a big shot, one of the best pilots the Garrison ever had. He just happened to be a rebel at heart which only hurt his reputation.

This simple confession of his lifted a lot of weight off your shoulders, since you had begun to doubt you deserved the scholarship at all, after you had no idea about some of the basic things you needed to know in order to get into your advanced studies.  
Becoming a scientist and doing research in space about space was one of your biggest childhood dreams after all.

You slightly shook your head as if it helped with your thoughts. The contents of your plate reminded you of yesterday’s breakfast and you began to wonder, if there even was a decent cook at the Garrison. Maybe you should slip them Hunk’s CV…This brought your thoughts back to your tutoring application and your heart started to race part in excitement, part in fear.  
Meeting new people was always a little challenging for you as you were naturally shy. Something no one would ever believe by the way you acted the last few days.

  


The second day in the flight-simulator proved to be a lot more fun than the first as you were put into small groups to work on blueprints and get yourself familiar with the outline and insides of the shuttles you maybe would pilot one day.  
The peers you had to work with were pretty nice and it seemed everyone had something to contribute. Of course you would’ve loved to be in a group with Pidge, Hunk and Lance, because you already knew them, but you realized that there would be plenty of time to try out the simulation with them as well.  
After an intense study of the compartments your group had to assign roles for each of you to take as the final step of the course would be to pilot as a team.  
Despite these role not being anything other than a possibility to try out different functions aboard the shuttle, you volunteered to be the engineer. It was the closest to your aspired position as a scientist after all. With your peers it fell easily into place who would do what which made it even funnier to watch the other groups quarrel. The course ended without any further mishaps, leaving you with the last task of the day: getting to know if someone wanted to tutor you after all.

  
  


The sun was setting again, a little earlier each day, while you slowly made your way to the headmaster’s office. After all those hours of classes you felt your fatigue drag you down like lead.  
You must’ve looked like a zombie or worse if you took the stares of the ones you passed into consideration. Or it was the way they looked at you every day, it made no difference to you.  
The door stood a crack open and you entered, crashing into Tanja again.

_My lucky day…_

She looked at you as if she wanted to strangle you right there but left the room without saying anything. You had the feeling that she was raging over something more than you running her over yet once again. Something inside your gut started to twist but you pushed it aside.  
No way you were getting paranoid over such a stupid little act.

Yet even the secretary seemed a little taken aback by this small encounter. It took her a few moments before she remembered you and your request and looked up your application. To your biggest surprise someone offered their help, starting Friday afternoon. You went ahead and asked who it was but the secretary just shook her head as she was instructed not to talk about that.  
Who would set up such a stupid rule if it concerned your own curriculum?  
Still, you thanked her and left at once, seeing no point in questioning her further, though it left you with a huge question mark over your head.

  
  


This night you decided to sleep instead of working on theorems you simply could not figure out. There was someone who you hoped would help you anyway, so you called it a day rather early.  
  
The upcoming three days were not exactly eventful as everything settled in some kind of routine; getting to know the teachers and officers, your way around school – at least a bit – and what a bunch of goofballs Lance, Pidge and Hunk really were. You adored them for being so easy to talk to and each sticking with their own ways.  
Hunk helped you with some of the topics you had difficulties with, but he had to admit that he was at a loss too, only grasping bits and pieces at a time. On the other hand he was the best man to ask questions about engineering or desserts. And he was a good teacher at it too!

“I am so excited about this afternoon!”, he smiled as you sat next to him Friday morning, “I’ve got someone who wants to learn all about engineering!”

“That’s amazing! Do you know who it is?”, you asked but he only shook his head.

You began a discussion why you thought they would set up such a mysterious rule and agreed that it was beyond stupid.

  
  


The rest of the day went by in a blur, the slight nervousness from your chat in the morning turned into a full-fledged fear by the end of your afternoon classes.  
Yet it was true that nothing had happen after your encounter with Tanja on Tuesday and as far as you could tell, the strange rumours from your first arrival and presentation were slowly dying down, making you just another face at the Garrison amongst so many.

It was hard for you to admit that her little stunt right after you simply wanted to help her – and the others who had to witness her tantrum – did not really left your thoughts after all. Yet you refused to let it get to you too much, especially when you slowly became friends with Lance, Hunk and Pidge – and maybe Keith one day if it so happened that he formed more than two consecutive sentences.

Waving goodbye to your group – the names of your colleagues still not fully anchored in your mind, something like Andy and Caroline – you made your way to the room assigned for your tutoring. You were glad that this was taken care of, having no idea where you could or should go other than your room. Which would be rather uncomfortable, having a stranger in your room would be a level of intimacy you did not want to share so soon after meeting for the first time.

You turned a corner and stopped dead in your tracks. There was a rather big group of girls from all classes gathered in front of a normal looking door. They were clearly waiting for something to happen…

…or some _one_.

Once again you felt a sudden chill, only getting stronger as you matched the room-number you were given with the sign over the door.  
This had to be a joke. Who would think to themselves that it was a good idea to put on such a show just for mere entertainment?  
Taking a deep breath in and letting it out again you knew you had to get past them and into the room to at least find out who was responsible for this commotion. Maybe it was all a misunderstanding. Maybe it had nothing to do with you.

Shaking to the core you straightened your spine and started to walk passed them, making sure your face was as blank as possible.  
The voices were hushed and their eyes followed your every move, daring you to get through the door. You pushed the door open, your hand in a tremor. You prayed that nobody saw that as you let the door shut behind you, trapping you – whether inside this room or outside the hallway you were not sure.

There was a noise behind you as if someone dropped a pile of papers on a desk or the floor, with the latter being more accurate as you also heard shuffled steps and quick movements. You needed to get this over with and back to your studies.  
Since the weekend belonged to yourself you would just take the time to study at the library, hopefully finding answers.

Another deep breath in as you were ready to stand your ground. Ready to fight for yourself and to quickly retreat. To tell them it was funny to make you nervous and laugh it off before wishing them a good day.  
At least in your head it looked plain and simple enough.

Yet, there _he_ was, picking up a way too large amount of paper from the floor, his dark hair looking way too fluffy to be true, his eyes hardly hiding his embarrassment. You stared at him, not knowing what to think or do, the sudden change in your situation throwing you off.  
Finally he looked up to you, his cheeks slightly flushed. Almost immediately he shot up to standing, dropping all the papers he just gathered. He groaned in frustration.

“Great…”, Shiro mumbled, scratching his head, “What a wonderful first impression.”

You could not help yourself and laughed. He had not really changed at all, “I call it an interesting welcome.”

After you’ve calmed down you helped him to pick up the papers for good before taking a seat across him on one of the desks.

It was more than three years ago that you’ve seen him in person, let alone sitting in front of him, hearing his voice. It felt both weird and like coming home.  
Still, you wondered how he even got the idea to help you out, his schedule must've been packed, being a senior and the Garrison's ' _golden boy_ '.

“There’s not much going on on a Friday afternoon.”, he admitted while scanning your textbook, “Additionally I am not interested in parties…”, his voice trailed off as he got absorbed into the task at hand.

You took his sudden silence to study his features for a bit. He became even more muscular over the past years but never lost his schoolboy-like-attitude. His voice was still gentle and warm, his eyes looking at the world with amazement.  
Your heart skipped a beat.

  
  


It turned out that Shiro was a pretty good teacher, knowing which examples could illuminate the formula or theorem at hand. And he was patient.  
The hour went by rather quickly, leaving no time for small talk or any conversation outside the assigned topics as you two were completely absorbed into the subject matter. The issue of the group of girls just outside the door became apparent, once you closed your textbook.

“I think you’ve got the hang of it now so I suggest we leave it at that for today and go out into the real world and the weekend?”, he asked stretching in his seat.

“Sure. I just have to figure out how to get past your fan club…”, you rolled your eyes, making him smirk.

“We could also stay in here a little longer, making them guess what we do, even more?”, he joked.

You shot him a dramatic look, theatrically putting your hand to your forehead as if you were about to faint, “Woe is me, a maiden trapped in a dragon's lair!”

“Hey, why am I getting to be the dragon?!”

“Because you can't be the maiden, now, can you?”

He snorted and got up, standing tall, his most manly self, “And why do you think that?”

His whole posture just made you laugh even more, making you aware how good it was to be back in his orbit, even it was only for a little tutoring.  
_Yet._  
Still, there would be an uproar for sure once word got out that you’re being tutored by the most desired man on the whole base. This made you stick out your tongue.  
Maybe they already knew and that was the reason Tanja was so upset… The thought of what could come next sent shivers down your spine. You tried to push these thoughts away.

“Are you still with me?”, his warm voice, suddenly solemn, dragged you back to the present, “You looked deep in thought so I wasn’t sure what to do.”

“I was just thinking of what to do tonight.”, you lied, suddenly too embarrassed to look him in the eye, “And how we probably should get going.”

You were laughing and joking like you did in the past, so why did you became shy all of a sudden and made the situation weird? There were so many things you wanted to ask him, such as why he took on this tutoring and how he managed being called ' _golden boy_ ' but nothing came across your lips as you packed up your things.

  
  


Ultimately you decided to leave, making him go out first to drag the group with him. After you’ve waited for a few moments you exited as well, hoping they were all gone.  
All but one girl. She looked at you and ran down the hall with a sheepish grin on her face.  
You let out a sigh, massaging your temples.Why did it felt more and more like you’re stuck in a highschool-movie?

Making your way back to your room you bumped into Lance who was clearly eavesdropping at Hunk’s assigned room.  
You just stood next to him without saying a word, patiently waiting for him to notice you. It took him a solid five minutes until he turned his head, saw you and jumped back with a cry.

“Don’t you dare show your pretty face so suddenly!”, he breathed, “I almost had a heart-attack!”

You giggled at his big eyes and flushed cheeks, telling him you’ve been standing there for a few minutes already. He blinked at you, trying to comprehend what you were saying.

“I was just…”, he stammered but he had no idea how to finish this sentence when all evidence pointed against him.

“Worried? You meant to say you were only worried about him?”, you suggested with a smile.

Lance pointed at you, his usual self again, “Exactly! I mean I can't leave him alone with a stranger now, can I?”

You nodded and gestured him that it was time to move away from the door as the tutoring might've come to an end and getting caught was the last thing you two needed.

You retreated to the cafeteria, sitting in front of a cup of hot chocolate, questioning him about his findings. 

“Well from what I heard through the door, she seemed to be nice enough.”, was all he was able to say, “No way I could've caught a glimpse of her through our massive doors and I couldn't quite understand what they were talking about, but that can only be a good thing, right? No one shouting?” 

He seemed genuinely worried about his friend. Something you could understand just too well.

When you were younger you always had someone to look up to, who you would fight for no matter what. There was more than one occasion on which you've returned home, beaten up and bruised because someone said something mean about Shiro.

Your foster-parents were not too happy about that yet soon realized that scolding you had no effect whatsoever.

Shiro on the other hand seemed always to be there in times of need and the best person to go on adventures with. He did his best to ignore the others whenever they were mean, but you could tell that some things really got to him.

Him leaving for the Garrison was one of the hardest days in your young life as it changed everything you knew upside down. You felt like you were about to lose your best friend for good.

Still, you never uttered a word against it, cheering him on as you knew it was his biggest dream to become a pilot, to fly to the stars.

The day he left, you promised each other you would meet at the Garrison in three years time, becoming a team once more, closing up the whole his leave caused.

As you laughed at one of Lance's joke on a Friday afternoon sitting in the middle of the cafeteria you hoped that it was a promise you could still keep after all this time.

 

 

  
Hunk came and sat with you only a few minutes later, beaming. Without any of you asking anything he began telling you about the girl who he called 'brave enough to put up with engineering' and who was sweet and very keen to learn. On the other hand she seemed to be able to teach him some aspects as well which made him vibrate with excitement.

You smiled as he went on and on what a success it was and how he'd learn so much. It filled you with a strange sense relief that no one was asking about your own tutoring-lesson, the fuzzy feeling still lingering.

It wasn't long until Pidge turned up as well, bringing up the question of what to do tonight. As long as their behaviour and grades were decent and no report was filled out, the students were allowed to spend time outside of the base in the small town half an hour away until curfew.

You three were heading into an argument about wether or not it was too late in the year to grab ice cream when you heard your mobile's ringtone telling you you've got a message.

The look of confusion on your face, as you fumbled it out of your pocket made everyone around you eager to know why your face turned pink.

_I just figured, we forgot to make up a timetable if you wish to continue the tutoring._

_Meet me tomorrow at 11 a.m. at the centre courtyard?_

_– Shiro_

“Wait a moment. Your tutor is the one and only..? That guy's my hero!”, Lance exclaimed, “Can you get me an autograph?!”

“Lance, I think that's not what this is about...”, Pidge said, with a look of disbelief on his face as he studied yours. 

You remained silent as your thoughts started to race. You needed some help with the assigned lectures, at least for the time being. Shiro was a patient teacher and knew the lectures as well. Plus you knew each other which was a big bonus. And of course it would the perfect opportunity to spend some time together.

On the other hand there were the rumours, his ' _fan club'_ and his status as the ' _golden boy_ ' as well as your standing as honorary-student. It would only feed the ones already envious of you – all of this brought back to you with the commotion before and after your lesson.

Shiro should not be a part of this. His career was only about to unfold.  
Biting your lower lip you did not know what to do as you did not wish to give up a friendship you treasured above all else yet you did not want anything to harm Shiro.

You exhaled loudly, making the others jump a little. Then you proceeded to write an answer, deciding that talking to him would be the best solution. 

_I knew something was amiss once I left._

_See you tomorrow._

_– [Y/N]_

As you put your phone back into your pocket you noticed the concerned looks of the three guys. Pushing the thoughts about not bothering them with things unrelated to them, you told them about your connection to Shiro and the stunt Tanja pulled which still left a bitter taste in your mouth.

Once you've finished you waited as they all remained silent. 

Pidge was the first to say something, “Now I get why you looked like you've seen a ghost... That's some weird stuff. But whatever happens, we are here for you.”, he smiled.

The other two agreed with a nod which made you tear up a little bit. You had no idea how you deserved such trust after just a short while of knowing them. 

“Thank you...”, you replied putting all you appreciation into your voice.

 

  

Since you four were not able to agree on what to do in town tonight, Hunk suggested to just stay in and call it a day rather early, making the most of the weekend ahead. Everyone seemed to agree and by the looks an your faces it also appeared to be a wise decision.

The solitude which came with the closing of you room's door was met with gratitude. Letting yourself fall on your bed, you had no idea how to work through the mess you found yourself in.

You understood nothing of it which scared you the most.

Everything happened so fast and it seemed as if everyone else knew how to act and talk but you missed the briefing. Which was ridiculous because they might as well just pretend.

And some, as Tanja maybe, needed an outlet for whatever gnawed on her. It wouldn't be as bad if you were the only one involved. You could take it as you had to the past year already.

Of course it hurt and it was exhausting to pretend not to care yet if it was only you you would pull through.

The situation at hand however tied in others who just happen to know you from a life prior to the Garrison.

 

Looking at your watch you realized it was way too early to get into your pyjamas and read the evening away so you decided to head to the training rooms and at least stretch out your muscles.

It hardly surprised you that the room was almost empty save for one individual.

“Pretty boy, why am I not amazed to find you here?”, you called as you walked over to Keith who looked at you with unhidden amusement. 

“Maybe I was waiting to be rescued from my destiny to train alone?”, from the look in his eyes he was jokingly referring to your first day. 

“You already know that I am not _The One_ for you as I can hardly match you at all!”

“Try me?”

For a short moment you were taken aback by this. Your progress had been steady but slow and he had kicked you around this room so many times you've lost count. Certainly there was no challenge for him in combat.

Then a sudden, and maybe stupid, thought crossed your mind.

You had nothing to lose so you decided to try, “If I win in a sparring match you go with me for some ice-cream tomorrow.”

He blinked, looking confused, “It's almost October. It's not the time for ice-cream!”

“In that case, if you win there's no ice-cream.”

“But we hang out?” 

“That's up to you.”

Again he remained silent for a few moments, “You shouldn't be around me. I already told you.”

“I am already someone they cannot stand, so why bother? I decide who I want to hang around by myself.”, you knew you appeared far tougher than you really felt at the moment, “I do not want to be a loner just because I so happen to sleep on my own.” 

Keith chuckled at his, “I guess I can't change your opinion after all, can I?”

“No way.”

 

 

The outcome of the match was no surprise to you – utmost defeat.

He helped you back up and you couldn't help but smile at his expression. He seemed to be seriously bothered by your suggestion of ice-cream in late September. Something he shared with Lance.

The sparring was fun and it looked like your little bet had lit something up inside Keith you haven't seen before. He liked competition. At least to a certain degree.

Of course you were also a little sad that you lost, getting out of the Garrison together might've been fun yet it was not the end of the world or your last chance.

“I guess no ice-cream after all.”, you smiled. 

Keith looked deep in thought, before asking about your plans for tomorrow. A little perplex you told him about having a meeting at 11 a.m. but being free otherwise as you and the others did not made any real plans yet. As you mentioned Shiro's name Keith's expression changed for a brief moment to being utterly surprised. Yet he remained silent on that matter.

“I will find you then after your meeting in the courtyard.”, he finally said as both of you walked towards the changing rooms.

“Keith, there's no reason for you to meet me if you don't want to.”, you began but he cut you short with a gesture.

“Look, I thought I won that match. So I get to decide what I want to do.”, a triumphant smile appeared on his lips just before he closed the door behind him.

You did not understand what just happened but your choice coming here and ultimately putting forward this little bet lifted your mood a lot.  
One small step at a time.

  

 

Despite being allowed to sleep in on the weekend, your body decided that shortly past 7 a.m. was the perfect time to be wide awake. You groaned as you reluctantly gave up on going back to sleep a couple of minutes later. At least you could stay in bed for a little while longer and read a few more pages.

Yesterday had proven to be a lot more eventful than you thought necessary. Especially you little stunt with Keith made your head spin.

It took you almost two hours after your encounter to realize, that he might think you wanted to ask him out for a date instead of just hanging out with him. Wasn't that how it went in romance novels?

You buried your face in your pillow and let out a loud noise of annoyance.

Why was being an adult so hard? 

The only good thing was that you could set this straight in a few hours time and without anyone else to notice. Thinking closely, Keith on the other hand doesn't seemed to be someone who would assume that it was a date without being asked directly.

Right?

 

  

After a few toss and turns, some pages of your current read and a long shower you sat in front of weird oatmeal once again, not really hungry at all. You would have to lie to say you were not nervous about today's events.

“Did you sleep well?”, Lance asked as he let himself fall into the seat next to you.

“I guess it was okay...”, your voice trailed off as you spotted Keith on the other end of the cafeteria.

Lance followed your glare to let out a grunt that made you smile. There seemed to be a competition developing and with the two of them being so different it might turn out entertaining.

“He thinks he's a big shot but I will make sure to surpass him.”, he finally said with a confident smirk.

 “Not if you keep crashing our shuttle, Lance.”, Pidge's voice was full of worry but the look on his face betrayed him.

“ _I_ am not the one throwing up..!”, Lance said, gesturing towards Hunk who was approaching the table, still not fully awake.

His confused look pushed you over the edge and you started laughing out loud, forgetting your nervousness completely.

The three of them grinned as well and you all began to dig into your respective bowls.

 

 

It turned out that no plans could be made until late afternoon because Lance and Hunk had refused to do any assignments due on Monday which lead them to found the ' _Club of suffering Juniors_ ' and Pidge to agree to help them. This was very welcomed, you had no idea how to explain the ice-cream-situation to them without making it sound even weirder or Lance head into a potential fight with Keith. 

The clock showed 10.45 a.m. as you separated.

It felt weird for you that they wished you luck, for what, you could only guess.

The short walk outside made you aware of the lump in your throat once more, getting worse with every step. You saw some familiar faces from class shooting you strange stares, some even mumbling something under their breath you could not make out.

You decided it was for the better.

There was no time to wonder where in the centre courtyard you would meet as you basically ran into a wall of cooing girls.

You got that he was handsome and kind but such a behaviour was always unintelligible to you. Furthermore it gave you kind of an audience which was not exactly what you needed at all.

One of the girls approached Shiro, who was patiently waiting on a bench, and started to talk to him. You were still too far away despite your best efforts to break through them and make your way up to him, so you could not understand what she was saying.

Still, the others around you started to talk in hushed voices, repeating something along the lines of _“She's totally asking him out!”, “Is she brave or insane?”, “I wonder what he's going to reply!”_

Rolling your eyes you stumbled across endless metres of concrete, finally reaching him just in time to hear him say, “I am sorry but I already have someone special.”

_What?_

It took him only a mere few seconds to notice you behind the girl who just seemed to try her hardest not to cry. He got up and made her aware of your presence which lead her – and probably everyone else watching – to the absolute worst conclusion; Enter Shiro's sweetheart.

She narrowed her eyes, cursed you under her breath and stormed of.

“I-I am sorry I didn't...”, you stammered but had no idea how to finish the sentence.

Shiro replied nothing, only gesturing you to follow him, away from the still lingering crowd. He seemed a bit annoyed by them, still he tried not to let it show too much as his reputation required him to.

After a few minutes and some turns you found yourself on the other side of the courtyard and completely lost.

“I sure hope we have a few moments... Good morning!”, he turned to you flashing a smile.

“Eleven o'clock is not morning. It's day.”, you deadpan with a straight face, “About the tutoring...”, you began – trying not to think of what just happened – but he was still making a weird face after you last comment which lead him to burst out laughing a second later.

“Sorry, it's just... You.”

“That wasn't even funny. Did you lost your humour as well as all the remaining body-fat over the past years?”, you countered only to hit yourself mentally for the last remark.

He shrugged, not taken aback in the slightest by your weird behaviour, still trying to catch his breath, “I never said it was. It was just something only you would reply. It's refreshing.”

You courtly nodded, still confused. It was one thing to write each other messages but something completely different to talk to each other again after such a long time under such strange circumstances.

As if you knew each other but then again you did not. You felt the shyness creeping up again. 

“As I was saying, about the tutoring... I am not sure if I am going to need it all year but I guess for the first weeks it would be clever to ask for your help.”, you began, trying to get the conversation back to the task at hand and away from everything that could potentially show how nervous you suddenly felt.

The incident with the girl a few minutes earlier confused you even more. You wished you could talk to her and set things straight but you knew that all your talking would land on deaf ears or only backfire. 

“I am more than okay with helping you out as long as you need it.”, he answered simply, “Yet I think once a week might be too demanding for you, regarding all the different classes you have. If it would be alright with you I'd suggest a daily briefing until the first courses end or you figure out how to surpass me. Of course if there are no questions briefing is dismissed. I am not going to keep you all to myself.”

You agreed, there was no way around this. Furthermore, if the girls already thought you to be Shiro's lover in every sense there was no turning back anyway. So you could at least enjoy spending time with him during those hours and maybe, once you've got a hang on things, you could spend time away from learning as well?

You fell silent, not knowing how to proceed from there, the last thought making your fingertips tingle a little.

From the corner of your eye you looked at him. He really _was_ handsome, his facial features making his dark eyes pop. His short dark hair was so fluffy it made you almost jealous. Especially the fluff at the front. If you could just...

You stopped yourself in your thoughts before you could do anything stupid.

 He seemed like he wanted to say something when his phone rang. Apologizing for having to take it he took a few steps away from you.

As he talked and laughed you wondered what was wrong with you. Seeing him should make you happy but instead it filled you with something close to fear and panic to say or do anything wrong.

You sure were scared that he was not the same from back then but apart from that?

Could the stupid behaviour of a few strangers made you feel like that? Or was it the constant feeling of being observed whenever you left your room?

_Just listen to yourself, one week in and you already sound paranoid!_

Wondering why it was so hard to come up with answers and being honest with others and yourself, you clenched your hands and waited for him to finish his call.

“I am sorry to let you wait...”, he said as he came back to you.

“It's fine. I am sure you have a lot of things to do and I have to go anyway.”, you replied hoping you did not make it sound like you wanted to get away from him as quickly as possible.

He rose an eyebrow as if he did not believe a word you said.

Before you could defend yourself you saw Keith coming up to you, with his hands in his pockets.

He greeted you and Shiro before asking, “You ready to go?”

“Yes.”, you and Shiro said in unison which made Keith stick out his tongue.

“Just because you know each other doesn't mean you have to answer together. Gives me the creeps.”, he said, “Anyway, let's go, I bet he's already waiting for us.”

“Who is?”, you asked, confused.

 Did you miss something? Or was it your mistake for taking Keith seriously the night before and therefore wasting thoughts on nothing?

“You didn't tell her?”, Shiro crossed his arms.

“I thought it should be a surprise-reunion-thing?”, the younger one shot back, rolling his eyes, “Either way. The bet from yesterday gave me the idea to ask Shiro if he wanted to come with us as it seemed you two did not have any time for yourself. And since he was only talking about hardly anything else–“

“Keith!”, Shiro cut him off, “I think she gets the picture.”

In fact you did not.

___________________________________________________________  
As always feel free to comment, or stalk me on

[Twitter](https://twitter.com/justhinothings)

There is also a [Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhyRr3fH5Dvlzt9AzQ3iWPGNiZXxkdZ8I) to this fan fiction I'll update as we progress to avoid spoilers.

Thank you so much for reading I will see you next chapter!


	4. Waltz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They look at each other,  
> blush,  
> look away,  
> It seems to be choreographed like a dance between them
> 
> He looks at her,  
> She glances, giggles  
> He looks away  
> This is the infamous tango of hearts  
> They watch, They wait, They wonder
> 
> (Alexis Peterson)  
> ___________________________________________

It took the two of them a solid few minutes to explain to you what the general idea was. Since they both have been friends since Keith started his training two years back – with Keith acting up to his name as the troublemaker – Shiro also shared bits and pieces of his past.

“He's actually a really nice guy.”, Shiro said, pointing at Keith who turned away with a groan, “He thought it would be decent to spend some time together off-base.”

You also learned that another friend of them would join you, going by the name of Matt. Feeling overruled, you agreed to join them, your heart beating fast, thinking about meeting yet another new face.

The unspoken question of how you would get into town was answered as Keith presented two hover-bikes of the newest generation. The Garrison sure had a lot of money at their disposal if they rented out these things to the students.

Since you had no licence yet – your foster parents too reluctant to help you out on that front – you had to share a bike with one of the two. The decision was taken from you when Keith just took off as soon as his helmet was in place. He waved and went out the front gate.

You stood there, absent-mindedly staring at the gate until Shiro nudged you with another helmet, “We should get going as well, shall we?”

Taking the helmet from him you put it on and took a seat behind him. There was no way you'd put your arms around him, there must've been another way of holding onto the bike...

Or not.

There was nothing.

“Hold on tight.”, he said as he slowly accelerated the bike, being way more patient with it than Keith was.

Praying to the heavens that he would not feel your increased heartbeat you put your arms around his waist and held onto him. After he made sure you were safe he sped up and headed for the small town.

 

 

You arrived at the designated place quickly, not having exchanged anything at all. The passing scenery was taking up your whole attention. Keith and another boy with light-brown hair and glasses already awaited you, gesturing you to take a seat.

The café was rather small yet decorated in a refreshing way. Or maybe after the sterile hallways and rooms inside the base everything else became more vibrant anyway.

Matt turned out to be a clever guy with a sense of dry and dark humour. He instantly made you feel at ease.

“Shiro, you never said that she was so small!”, he said, “Even Keith must feel like a giant next to her!”

You looked at Keith who just shrugged, “I... guess?”

The waiter came up to get your order before leaving you with a weird stare, as if hanging out with guys was such a big deal after all.

 “Okay... I am _so_ curious about you, and Shiro is not giving away too much so prepare to be questioned!”, Matt said with a sheepish grin.

 “Don't answer him, he just finds new questions..!”, Shiro warned with a silent laugh.

“That's what it takes if you want to be a scientist, Mr. Pilot!”

“You are from the science department?”, your voice clearly showed your admiration for the field you wished to work in yourself, “That's what I want to specialise in as well! Piloting is alright and engineering something to do as well but going out there and search for answers or possible explanations for questions as old as time, that's absolutely amazing!”

Matt nodded and you two began a conversation on different fields and current topics until the waiter came back with your orders, placing a gigantic portion of ice-cream in front of you, making everyone gasp.

“You are not... Eating that on your own, are you?”, Matt asked, clearly concerned.

“She is and it won't take long.”, Shiro said as if it was the most normal thing ever while he began eating his own portion.

You began attacking the ice-cream and after a couple of minutes nothing was left of it. You looked at the others who in turn looked genuinely amazed.

Shiro made a gesture as if to say _told you_ , which made Keith shake his head.

“It's just a little milk and water and flavour...”, you lowered your head as you felt a sudden rush of embarrassment.

“Shiro, you're girlfriend is fascinating. I think I need to befriend her in order to study her even more.”, Matt's remark made you shoot up your head and glare at him with round eyes.

 _What did he just say?_  

“Matt, you've got the wrong idea. She's _a_ friend. Not my  _girlfriend_.”, Shiro was quickly to say. 

The other just shook his head, clearly annoyed, “So ask her? Finally? Please?”

With a sudden movement you stood up, mumbled something about _getting some fresh air_ and stormed out of the café. A quick walk around the block would clearly help you make sense of the whole commotion.

Clearly Matt was exaggerating or simply joking around. He did not seem to be someone who could mean any harm. Especially to his friends.

If you knew that and that Shiro already had someone special, why did it hurt you somewhere inside your chest?

Furthermore you were surprised about his statement about having someone else. Why did he never said anything about it in his messages?

You turned another corner, slowly losing track of where to go, but you were too deep in thought to pay too much attention to it.

   

Despite taking innumerable wrong turns you ended up back at the café a couple of minutes later, awaited by three young men with worry in their eyes.

 “I am sorry I said something that made you uncomfortable.”, Matt said sincerely, “I sometimes forget that my curiosity could hurt others as well.”

 You shook your head, “It wasn't that. I just felt a little sick after the amount of ice-cream. Maybe that's a thing of the past, me eating so much at once! Sorry that I left in such a dramatic manner.”

 

After another hour of chatting and laughing, you decided to head back in order to get some schoolwork done. You thanked Matt and Keith for hanging out before they drove off, each on their own hover-bikes.

As you turned you could not miss the troubled look on Shiro's face.

 “It was not the ice-cream.”, he said matter-of-factly.

 There was no point in lying to him there, “No, it was not. But he looked so distressed...”

 “It's my fault. I might've given them the impression we were more than friends even back in the day. I guess that's what gave him this idea. I am sorry, I should've talked to you before.”, he looked lost.

 “It's fine. It was just... a lot this week. Being new and away from home. I am fine.”

 Shiro took a step towards you, making it apparent that you only reached up to his chin, giving him a strong aura, “I've heard what they said. I've seen them looking at you the way they looked at me when I came here.”

 This was unwelcome news. Both, the fact that he had to go through the same kind of torture as you all by himself, and that he knew what they were saying made you feel anxious.

  

The ride back proved uneventful. Shiro's words still ringing in you head, making you feel even weirder. Was he only concerned because he knew you or because he was too kind and nice in general?

The thought of weighing him down because he thought he needed to take care of you did not sit well with you.

Arriving at the Garrison you quickly said your goodbye and almost ran into your room, as if it would help to outrun your thoughts.

You decided not to come out until Monday, trying to figure out what had happened.

 

Lance, Hunk and Pidge did not look their best when you met them at breakfast Monday morning. It turned out they spent more time playing video games than actually doing their assignments so they had to finish them last minute. They reminded you of your zombie-look from the past week which made you chuckle a little.

It was nice to be around them again, it helped to not think over the same thoughts for the millionth time to no avail.

You got up to get another glass of orange juice, just to return to a scrap piece of paper on your seat. You asked if anybody saw anything but they just shook their heads. Surely in a cafeteria this busy dropping something would not cause anyone to really pay close attention to it. 

You furrowed your brows as you sat down again and unfolded the piece of paper.

_Don’t think you can get away with this._

Looking at the others with a helpless expression you began to wonder why you even worried so much about how others perceived you and your behaviour. It seemed useless to keep to yourself and your studies. Who would go as far and watch you off-base just because you wanted to spend some time with old and new friends?

You exhaled in frustration, before you decided to confide into the three of them because you slowly felt this stupid act to be way out of your league.

“That’s some messed up stuff for the second week of school…”, Hunk said, “I mean some people never have that amount of drama in their whole life!”

“Also I don’t get what the deal is. No one is making fun of me for hanging out with you guys like, all the time.”, Lance added, not able to hide his distaste in the situation.

“They should not be the reason you stay away from anything or anyone! I mean, I get why you just want to hide but as we can clearly see, that is not working either, if they went as far and followed you off-base.”, Pidge seemed very agitated about anyone trying to harm you or stand in your way – it made you feel warm on the inside.

“I just don’t know how to approach Shiro. I am not even sure he wants me around after my crazy behaviour... I don’t want to attract any negativity around him or anything that would tarnish his reputation. What if he is only friendly because we’ve been friends forever ago?”, you massaged your temples, “Yet maybe even worse is, I don’t know how to feel. It’s all a gigantic mess.”

“I guess only time will tell…”, Pidge said finally.

 

  
As you sat there in class you had to admit that it felt good to have spoken about what went on inside your head to people you trusted. Your friends were encouraging and no one made you feel like you were out of your mind. The lessons slipped by, leaving you with a lot to work on and even more sore muscles after another round in the training room. There was no resting when there was an evaluation on your combat skills scheduled on Saturday. With another test for your simulation classes to take place in a few days’ time you felt the pressure to nail good scores yet once again.

Getting to your assigned classroom for tutoring showed you the same picture it did on Friday, only this time you could hear the girls hiss at you like a bunch of snakes. You paid them no mind and just slipped through the door, closing it silently behind you.

The sun was setting, painting the room in warm colours. The window was slightly opened, letting in the fresh air, still warm. Shiro sat there, totally absorbed into his book. You could not help but stare at his calm profile.

It took a few moments until you were able to speak again, “I am sorry to disturb you…”

He looked up at you, taking a moment to come back into reality, “Finally! I thought you would leave me here to my own devices!”

You took a seat and pulled out your textbooks, having no idea where to begin.

“I want to apologize again for Saturday. That was not how I wanted it to go…”, his eyes showed how sincere he was.

“I know. But maybe it was better that way. Maybe we shouldn’t spend time together.”, before you could bite my tongue the words were out.

“Why would you think that?”, he looked hurt and confused.

For a moment you hesitated, before deciding that it made no difference, “You heard what they say about me. I don’t want this to have anything to do with you and your perfect reputation. Or your career. I don’t want to drag you down just because we so happen to know each other. It’s fine. I am fine. You don’t have to babysit me.”

He looked at you for quite some time without moving a single muscle.

“I don’t care about what they say, whether it is about me or you. I never did. And I don’t want them to be the reason we cannot be friends anymore. Because that’s what I want.”, he finally said, “You are the opposite of weighing me down, you always were. Nothing has changed.”

He has always been a guy of little words. That made it hard for you to tell what he was really thinking or feeling yet it gave you the time you needed to make up your mind as you, on the other hand, tended to overthink a lot.  
Just as you just did, rolling over the thoughts in your head if it would be alright to just be friends with him and behave accordingly.  
  
The silence dragged on until Shiro suddenly began to giggle, “I am sorry, I shouldn’t laugh. But this is just such a strange situation to be in. I’ve imagined countless scenarios of how we would meet again. What we would do and what we'd say. Yet our schedules hardly overlap and as we meet we have to discuss if it would appropriate to be friends instead of enjoying each other’s company again after all this time. It’s just… Not what I wanted your first weeks to be like at all.”

He was right. It was more than just weird, it was stupid of you to even consider not to be friends anymore. His laughter was contagious which lead to you two laughing like children.  
It felt good.

“I am happy to finally have you here.”, he said still a little short of breath.

 

After your talk you felt a lot lighter. Still, there was a small feeling lingering at the back of you mind that you could not quite name yet, which caused your heart to beat faster whenever you thought about spending time together.  
The tutoring drowned in jokes and some stories he shared from his junior year. No real work was done, which did not really concern you until you were back in your room, sitting in front of what felt like a ton of unfinished school-work.  
  
As if he could read your mind he popped you a message.

_Since we had no time to really get through your assignments, do you want to try and get something done tonight?_

You thought about it for a moment, but when you stared at the amount of work you still had to get done until tomorrow alone you decided to decline his offer, fearing you would get nothing ready at all.

_I think I am okay. I will not leave this room until I figure it out. Have a great evening!_

You leaned back and stared at the ceiling, ready to tackle some of the assignments you knew how to work around.

 

For the rest of the week you felt like drowning in things to get down or be prepared. Even in your tutoring lessons there was no more room for joking around too much. Yet it became easier and easier for you to be around Shiro, which calmed your thoughts. It was only natural to not know how to behave in front of someone you haven't seen in such a long time after all!  
With every passing day you became more secure in almost every field, leaving the flight-simulator where you lagged in terms of pilot-abilities, crashing time and again.  
  
However Andy and Caroline were kind to offer help, her being an amazing pilot and him a decent co-pilot. They did not shy away from pointing out mistakes and giving advice. Yet again, you were the assigned engineer which was a role you filled out almost perfectly. The first evaluation mid-week was a success, thanks to your team-work.  
It filled you with a little pride to be able to contribute something to a team, even if it was only a minor detail. Still, you three were happy as if you've won the nobel-price.

Lance, Hunk and Pidge hardly meet the mark with their performance but when they exited the simulator they chimed in into your own celebrating, making probably everyone around you question your sanity.

After you've nailed this first flight-evaluation your eyes were set on Saturday. They scheduled a fighting-performance so everyone could come and see for themselves what the first-year's were all about – whatever they could be on about a two weeks of training was a mystery to you.  
The whole thing made you rather nervous as you've felt that your progress with hands-on-combat was slow despite Keith never saying anything on that matter.

“It will be fine. You have me as a teacher after all.”, he simply said as you went through the routine you were asked to perform on Saturday once more.

“It's not you I am afraid of, it's me.”, you honestly replied dodging one of his kicks. “ I don't want to embarrass you.”

He stopped for a brief moment as if he had to take in your words, before he sent you to the ground with a movement you had no idea even existed.

“We've been working on this all week and if I'm honest I am a little afraid that you are going to kick my butt around this room in no time if you keep up your learning curve.”, he looked straight at you, “And for that I can't wait.”

His confession took you by surprise yet it made you feel a bit proud as well. It gave you a reason to push yourself even harder after all.

 

Saturday came around, the nervousness making it hard for you to swallow your breakfast – a feeling you shared with Lance, Hunk and Pidge, who were scheduled today as well. At least you could either celebrate or go down in flames together which was not the biggest motivation but it still made the four of you make plans about what to do afterwards.

As you went into the training room to get changed, you saw an unread message on your phone.

_Would it make you even more nervous if I told you I was watching and cheering you on?_

You swallowed hard. Before you were able to type a response your name was called to the centre stage. Quickly you put your phone into your locker as you ran.

Keith was already waiting for you, dressed all in black to complement your white gear. His face was calm as always but something gave you the impression that he was not immune to the situation as well.  
The teacher went on with a speech about the goals and ways of this course, praising the teamwork between the second-years and the first-years.  
Again, as you did during the initiation-ceremony, you silently scanned the audience for a familiar face. Yet you were not sure if it would encourage and motivate you or turn you into a nervous ball of nerves.

Somewhere on the far right someone was waving in a way that made it hard not to laugh. Shiro sat next to Lance and the others, each having a tissue in their hand, waving as if they were in an old corny movie.  
You bit your lips and have them a small wink which you hoped would make them stop.  
It did not work.  
Next to you Keith was shuffling from one foot to the other, his face in a grimace.

“How can someone be so out of place?”, he muttered under his breath, clearly trying not to laugh as well.

The teacher finished her speech just in time so you would not start laughing out loud, attracting even more attention to yourself and your friends. Everyone around them gave them weird looks, some trying to figure out what was happening and why the ' _golden boy_ ' was with such a weird group.  
And some, you guessed, were already running wild on the inside just from the thought of you having any friends at all.

As you got into position Keith gestured you to breath in and out a few times, “Don't mind anyone else but me. There's no difference to all the training we did before.”

“Except that everyone is watching and we're getting graded...”, despite you being all over the place, not used to that much attention, you were glad to have such a calm partner.

“Then let's give them something to watch.”, that was as the teacher gave the signal for you to start.

You ran towards Keith who took a step to the left, making you jump after him to be thrown over his shoulders and landing on your feet for once. As soon as your feet touched the ground you ducked and swayed your feet around, making him jump in turn, only to land a few steps away, facing you again. Taking a side-step-sequence towards him, he almost missed your punch which lead you to duck yet again and slide under him. Taking him by the ankles you turned yourself around, taking him with you to the floor. You shot up to standing, bowing to the teacher and the audience.

The silence that followed made you shiver a little as you helped Keith back up to his feet. He looked at you a little confused.

“That was... Incredible Mrs. [L/N]... I did not expect such a performance. Full points!”, the teacher approached you with a proud grin on her lips, “To you as well, Mr. Kogane. Amazing and smooth performance.”

This was when the audience started to applaud as well, making you sigh in relief. For a short moment you thought you performed so badly that it would cause you to be expelled.  
You thanked the teacher and went to sit with the others, waving at your friends who by now were waving with two tissues each.

“That was so cool!”, Lance exclaimed as you reached them, “Not even Keith could've ruined that!”

He gave you a big hug, followed by Hunk and Pidge. You then turned to Shiro who was already in a heated discussion with Keith about the performance.

“Keith, I never knew someone besides me is allowed to beat you like that!”, he laughed gently.

“It was just an assignment. In a real battle I wouldn't have lost.”, Keith turned his face away to hide his pout.

You stepped over to him, giving him a hug, “Thank you for letting me win at least once in my life.”

This sudden and unexpected reaction along Keith's surprised face made everyone laugh.

You watched as Lance, Pidge and Hunk each fought their way through the performance. It was interesting to see how differently they fought. Pidge being the fastest, almost impossible to catch. Hunk on the other hand was not as fast yet his movements were powerful and light in their own way. Lance was all over the place, being not as fast as Pidge but also not as steady as Hunk. His movements were hard to read which, in a real scenario, could be helpful.  
They all passed with flying colours, which lead Lance to the idea of throwing a small party among the six of you in his room to celebrate.

“It also gives me a chance to get closer to Shiro.”, Lance whispered in your ear, making you grin as you settled in with them to watch the rest of the performances.

 

The room Lance shared with Hunk was not the hottest party location ever, but it had a certain charm to it, having all your friends crammed together, listening to strange music while eating chips and drinking Coke. It was just nice to hang out far away from all the duties that came with your training here.  
Even Shiro, who was one of the best students the Garrison ever had, was not the type to stay all formal and stiff among his friends who he seemed to make quite fast.  
You watched him as he talked to Pidge when Lance came up to you, his hand outstretched.

“May I ask for this dance?”, he bowed and smiled.

You curtseyed and took his hand to be lead to the centre of the room two feet away. Hunk turned up the volume, the speakers blasting a funky dance-track you've heard too many times. He began to gracefully throw you around, exactly knowing what he was doing. His way of moving you and his own body was almost the complete opposite of what he had shown at the performance a few hours ago.  
There was no nervousness, no excessive movement to be found. Not even a trace of doubt that you would not trust him as he spun you round and round the small space. His expression was gentle and radiant – something you haven't seen in him yet.  
As the song drew to a close he held you close for a second before quickly letting you go, the biggest grin on his face.

“Why did you never told me that you were a born dancer?!”, he was beaming as he began to throw you around once more.

This time he only spun you round in circles, making you laugh as you slowly got dizzy. The others were also laughing, Pidge getting up and gesturing Lance to let go of me.

“Maybe someone else wants to dance with you as well?”, he gave you a wink taking Lance by the hands.

This time he was the one to be spun around which caused him to curse Pidge under his breath. You made your way to the bed where Keith was sitting, happy to have stable ground below your feet.

“Your performance was different.”, he said without looking at you, “The speed was higher and your intentions barely noticeable. You almost took me off-guard with that last punch.”

“I am sorry. I did not do anything on purpose... I guess the atmosphere and my nerves... I don't know.”, you did not know if he was just surprised or hurt by your actions.

He just shook his head, “I was just not expecting it. It falls into my wish for you to match me some day quite nicely.”

There he was, smiling at you the tiniest of smiles.

The party went on for quite a bit, Lance dancing with everyone including Shiro who had no idea what to make of it yet seemed to enjoy it nonetheless. As their song ended the latter came over and plunged next to you. The two of you then watched as Lance tried to get Keith to dance with him as well. The reason you could only guess from the light blush on Lance's cheeks. Keith seemed to refuse but Lance was rather persistent which lead the former to finally agree while rolling his eyes.  
The two of them took a few moments before they found their shared rhythm. From that moment on Keith seemed totally absorbed into the dance, making you giggle a little. Them being so close somehow reminded you how close Shiro was to you.

“You want to dance?”, he asked out of the blue, trying to guess your thoughts.

“With the worst dancer in the room?”, you jokingly scratched your head.

“I could also abduct you, oh fair maiden, as I am a dragon!”, he flapped his arms as if he had wings.

You just laughed at his sincere look. This side of him was one, hardly anyone knew about, everyone expecting him to excel in all fields, being ernest and strict. He was a born leader and knew when the situation needed him to act up to it. On the other hand he was a childish guy with too much imagination at hand.

Finally he took you by the hand and as if Hunk had just waited for that moment, the speakers blasted a track from one of your favourite movies which made you two pause for a moment before shrugging and heading into one of the worst dances the Garrison has ever seen. Yet feeling him so close to you, the warmth of his hands and the familiar way he moved, brought back memories from a time, you two called each other for no reason, just because sleep evaded you. Or because your foster-parents decided to let you go hungry one evening. Or the time he was so stressed out by all the preparations for his own entrance-exam, that he almost cried on the phone, only to collapse once you made it to his house. He always felt way too vulnerable and weak to let anyone in.  
Still, for you it never was a sign of weakness to confide in your friends in times of need.  
To you he was one of the strongest persons you've ever met.

On the outside he always appeared calm and composed as if nothing and no one could harm him, as if he was untouchable. This played a major role in his whole appearance as a leader, a role he filled out almost naturally.Despite all that he was far from invincible. He was rather insecure about his own abilities and feared to let anyone down by admitting them. It had taken you a while to make him trust you enough to talk to you about such things.

As he tossed you around with a big grin, cheered on by the others, your heart began to flutter. It reminded you so much of the days back at home and made you long for it yet again.  
Or at least a small fraction of it.

 

  
The little party you threw went on for too long, each of you dancing with everyone in turn or by himself. It ended with Lance and Hunk snoring on the lower bunk-bed and Pidge hanging from Shiro’s arms in an attempt to be lifted up into the air.

Sitting at your usual table the next morning, the four of you did not look too awake but you all agreed that it was one of the best ideas you’ve had so far. Only two weeks into the first year it seemed to you that there was a lot of room for even more such activities.

“I can’t believe you danced with Keith!”, Pidge said between two spoons of cereal.

Lance did not respond and only grinned into his own bowl.

“[Y/N]’s dancing with Shiro was amazing too.”, Hunk chimed in, “I’ve never seen anyone move like that!”

You shot him a glance, not sure if he was serious or joking. His smile however assured you that he meant no harm. Still, something in the way he looked at you was not possible for you to place at all.

On your way to the first round of classes, someone pulled you back at your shoulder. It was Tanja. Immediately your blood began to run cold and your instincts screamed to just get out of here. The way she mustered you made your skin prickle.  
Yet you remained unmoved.

“Good morning. How can I help you?”

“Don’t you dare be all nice to me, you fake girl!”, she hissed back at you, “The only thing that would help me is if you would pack your things and leave this base. You should not even be here in the first place, staining this school and its reputation!”

You were sure that her anger and hate towards you had more to it than your scholarship. Her next words only seemed to confirm that.

“Furthermore you decided to come here and play with Shiro as well. And because that’s not enough for you, you greedily pushed yourself onto Keith as well as some other freshmen. How low and false can someone be?”

You had no words for the terror you felt, growing with every word she uttered.

“Who do you think you are?”, Tanja said finally, pushing you away rather forcefully.

She waited for you to react in any way at all, but you did not give her the satisfaction. Instead you looked at her with a bored look on your face, while your heart was racing.

“Is there anything else you need?”

This was not what she expected of you. Maybe she wanted to make you cry or scream or anything that would prove what a malicious person you were.

“Don’t act all high and mighty in front of me, I know who you really are!”, her eyes showed pure hatred as she moved as if she wanted to leap at you.

Yet she did not.

As if a sudden change of plans occurred to her, she relaxed and smiled her evil grin. Without another word she just turned around and went down the corridor.  
It took you a few moments to calm you breath and heartbeat before you resumed your way to class, maybe even more confused by her behaviour than ever before.

 

The upcoming weeks consisted of a lot of work and training, giving you hardly a break safe for the weekends you spent more and more with Lance, Hunk, Pidge and Keith. Shiro joined you as much as he could but his demanding schedule made it hard for him to get any time off at all.  
That was one of the major reasons you were happy about the fact that your tutoring-classes became more and more a time of joking around, reading in silence and simply spend time together instead of doing your assignments.  
Keith was right after all; once you’ve got the hang of the fundamental basics, the whole course made much more sense and a lot more fun.

Time flew by it seemed, you getting more and more comfortable at the Garrison and with everyone else, while a silent fear lingered in the back of your head whenever you saw Tanja or one of her companions. Yet after her stunt she did not approach you and even the whispering declined.  
Additionally it did not help that a feeling started to take shape inside of you, which you could not name. It made you shy all of a sudden whenever you became aware of it and your heart race. The little time you could spend with Shiro lead to a weird state of longing once you were alone in your room. Interestingly he took the initiative to start and write messages again throughout the day. You were scared of that feeling as you had no idea how to place or name it or how to act up to it.

Without anyone realizing the first courses ended with a storm of evaluation and tests right before winter-break. You threw in some extra hours of learning, because your grades had to stay at a certain average in order to grant you the scholarship.  
Naturally all finals were scheduled at the same day.

“Who thought it a good idea to have us take all exams on one day?”, Lance mumbled as he sat with you and the others on Friday morning.

Hunk agreed with a loud _hmmm_ as he had his mouth full of toast and eggs. Pidge did not seem to mind too much which only made you even more nervous. You’ve studied a lot, trained with Andy and Caroline until you three were no longer in need of too many words while you were in the simulator and even your hands-on-combat-skills were slowly getting visible, making Keith almost excited. Yet you simply had to land perfect scores and be it only to live up to your reputation, you started to wear like an armour.

Your phone gave off a short sound, making you aware of a new text message. Under the suspicious grins of your friends you pulled it out.

_You will be great. Never forget: Patience yields focus._

“Am I seeing things or is [Y/N] turning pink?”, Hunk batted his eyelashes innocently.

“Hmm… I see it too. Just wondering why…”, Pidge mused with a sheepish grin.

“I am n-not pink at all!”, you stammered but even to you that did not sound convincing at all.

So even they had noticed a change in your behaviour and reactions over the past months despite your best efforts not to let this weird tingly feeling get to you. You still had no real idea what it was or where it came from, but as long as it was not troubling anyone you decided to not care too much.

 

The whole day went by in a blur, the exams washing into each other. There were no surprises in the topics or questions you had to work through, even your combat-routine was a well-known one.  
Once you stepped inside the simulator though, you suddenly felt as if you’ve forgotten everything you had learned over the past couple of months.  
Caroline and Andy had a hard time to calm you down even the slightest bit before the evaluation began.

It was nothing special, a mission you’ve done so many times before. No new obstacles were added yet as it was still a fairly new experience to most of you to even be inside a shuttle, let alone fly it. Still, you could not deny that you were nervous and afraid to be the reason why you would all fail.  
Caroline brought the shuttle into the air and into space without a single mishap. You glued your eyes onto the instrument-readings to not miss a single thing.

As the simulation went on, your mind started to wander despite your best efforts. You’ve simply seen these readings way too many times during practice.

Winter-break was around the corner, meaning most students leaving the Garrison for a week to spend time at home. You had declined the offer of being one of them, wanting to spend some peace and quiet on and maybe off-base. Lance, Hunk and Pidge would head home tonight, leaving you basically to your own devices. Of course you joked about not being able to sustain yourself and how to even pass the time at all. It was all just to hide a certain degree of sadness.

Yet even harder – and this came to you as a big surprise – was that you did not like the fact of Shiro potentially leaving as well. You did not discuss this question before as you felt that it might hang over you for longer than necessary. Furthermore, you did not understand what had changed between the two of you.

You let out a quiet sigh as the simulation concluded with Caroline parking on the designated spot on the dark side of the moon, your thoughts running wild.  
The officer congratulated you three on the almost perfect score which lead you to point out that Caroline and Andy did most of the work.

Lance was the first to run over to you and give you a big hug, right before the three of them entered the simulator for their own final test. You hoped that Lance would not try any spectacular tricks for the first time. Fortunately the voice of reason was strong within him and they also scored very well.

After you watched your peers all pass the evaluation, time had almost run out for you to spend time with them before they were off on their way.

Hunk refused to let go of you, which lead Pidge to joke, “We’re going to be back in a week. It’s not the end of the world.”

Still, it was heart-warming to see.  
Since they had to go and pack up their stuff and you had to head over to your tutoring – despite the fact that no new assignments had to be done - you said your good-bye’s early and made your way through the courtyard.

It was December, the year only stretching on for close to another week and yet it was rather warm. The sky was heavy with clouds, maybe it would rain tonight you mused before opening the door to your room.

It was empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, already at the end of chapter 4! I will try to update Monday and Friday to keep that flow going! ;)
> 
> As always feel free to comment, or stalk me on  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/justhinothings)
> 
> There is also a [Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhyRr3fH5Dvlzt9AzQ3iWPGNiZXxkdZ8I) with the song that I had in mind while writing the dancing scene. I just love that Soundtrack too much!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and I will see you again very soon!


	5. Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stars in your eyes
> 
> play me a note  
> write me a song  
> let's watch the trains  
> as they move along  
> tell me the things  
> that you want to do  
> and I'll go out  
> to do them with you
> 
> I see the stars in your eyes  
> and the moon on your lips  
> as you laugh and sparkle  
> touching my finger tips  
> run in the meadows  
> and swim in the air  
> your skin so soft,  
> your crazy coarse hair.
> 
> (Anastasia Wickizer)  
> ___________________________________

You blinked a few times, not able to realize the situation at first. Did you miss something? Did he said something about leaving earlier or meeting somewhere else?  
With a slight hint of panic you pulled out your phone but there was no unread message waiting for you.Basically you had three options. You could call him and ask where he was, or you could go and look for him, despite not having any clue where he might be at this hour at all. The last option was to simply sit down and wait it out.

After a few moments of contemplation you decided to go with the last option and pulled out a book. Maybe reading would calm your mind and get it back on track so you could think things through rationally. Despite your hardest efforts this plan proved unsuccessful, as you could not concentrate long enough to make sense of even a single paragraph.

It was then, after ten minutes of waiting, that you pulled out your phone once more and wrote a short message.

_The lair is empty without its dragon.  
Where are you?_

  


It took another ten minutes before the door was burst open and Shiro almost fell into the room, completely out of breath. As he closed the door you looked at him with a mixture of surprise and anxiousness. Without thinking you got up and put your arms around him in an attempt to comfort him. After a few seconds he also put you into a firm embrace.

This was the closest you’ve been since he left years ago. Feeling his heart, still beating rather fast, against your own body made you blush a little and you were happy that he could not see it from the way you stood.  
You could not help the fact that it felt good to have him so close to you.  
It was like coming home, as if the air was buzzing in your ears and everything was right again. He was so warm and gentle, his breath tickling against your skin.

Neither of you moved for quite some time, until he finally let go of you, holding you at arm’s length.

“I thought you would’ve been gone by the time I arrived…”, he said with a worried yet relieved undertone, “I had no idea that the meeting I was asked to attend would take so long… I am sorry.”

You shook your head, telling him that there was nothing to be sorry about, “So shall I help you pack up?”

He looked confused, “I am not leaving. It’s too far for such a short amount of time. Besides I was asked to stay here by Iverson… But do  _you_ need help to pack?”

You gaped at him, trying to process what he just said, “No… I am staying as well.”

Shiro blinked twice before he smiled broadly.

“It seems I can kidnap you after all!”, he said before he held you by the hips and spun you around a few times, making you giggle.

“Do I have a say in this as well?”

He paused for a moment, letting go of you before he posed as if he was deep in thought.

“No can do.”

  


“I am not sure if that is exactly a good idea…”, you muttered as you stood there in your training-gear waiting for Keith and Shiro to get ready as well.

Over the past weeks you’ve discussed to train at least once together, Shiro being eager to fight his friend as well as you. It would give each of you the opportunity to stray from set routines and to just spend some time together.  
The opportunity came faster than you had expected, meaning you felt inferior to both of the guys, each with more combat skills and experience than you. The fights wouldn’t last long.

“Aren’t Friday evenings not known to be date-nights? Or movie-nights?”, you called over to Keith who looked genuinely happy for once.

You two had become a good team, with him slowly letting you in. Next to Shiro, he once said, you were the closest he had to family. This brought tears to your eyes as you learned that he had in fact no home to return to.  
He had to endure yet another unexpected hug. This time though, he held you as well, even though only for a short moment before he groaned.

“What’s wrong about turning movie-night into combat-night?”, Keith answered as he came over to you.

Defeated you couldn’t help but laugh at his eager expression and Shiro getting into position. His gear was as black as yours, with some dark violet marks across his back, resembling wings.  
Your heart skipped a beat as you saw him like that, his face calm and concentrated, his expression focused.

Keith would go first against him, which would give you the perfect opportunity to watch Shiro fight for real for the first time.  
The former got into position as well and without any external signal they started to run towards each other, no holding back. The speed of the punches, kicks and jumps was way out of your league. You weren't even able to make out each movement let alone guess what would happen next.

Watching them just made you proud yet intimidated by the big differences between their skill and yours. Why would they want you to participate in the first place? There was nothing for them to learn.  
The fight went on for a solid few moments before Keith was too slow and landed on the floor, breathing heavily.  
Despite his loss he looked happy as Shiro helped him back up.

“And I thought I've learned all your techniques!”, Keith mused, sitting next to you, drinking a glass of water.

Shiro laughed, “There is no such thing as not learning myself a few new things, you know that.”

The younger one grinned, obviously loving the old yet new challenge posed by his older friend. Seeing them like that made you feel almost as happy as Keith might just felt.

“You wanna go next?”, Shiro asked almost shyly.

With a nod more confident than you really felt, you got up and into position a few feet away from Keith who was watching you with genuine interest. Somehow you did not want to go down without trying your hardest, hoping you could show him, how much you've learned by simply training with him probably too much.

“I don't want you to go easy on me.”, you called over to Shiro.

He simply looked at you, after you just got into position, before he bolted, making you step to your right in the last possible moment. He seemed to have guessed that, stopping at once, jumping towards you. Once more you were able to dodge a direct hit by mere luck, before you tried to land a kick on your own. He caught your foot and whirled you around while you tried to break free of his grasp. You used your free heel to create momentum so he had to let go of you before it twisted his arm too much. Almost falling over, you started to hop behind him but he was again expecting something like that and without using too much force, he pushed you over, landing on top of you.

He held himself up as if he had to hold a push-up, breathing heavily.

You stayed like this, Shiro hovering over you, resting a little after a fast yet energetic battle. Of course you had lost, there was no way you could win against him, who had years of combat-training. Still, he did not gave off the impression of having held back or planning on making fun of you. On the contrary, he had enjoyed it.

“If you want to kiss, could you get it over with? I want my rematch!”, you heard Keith who now towered over you with a wicked grin.

His statement made the situation real for you and you started to blush. Shiro's cheeks started to get a pinkish tone as well, as he quickly got off of you, not sure what to say or do.  
Seeing him flustered like that reminded you of a time when he was still a boy in elementary school, full of ideas and temper. He would fight anyone who crossed him or made fun of him and pout later because he was not a good fighter back then.

He was open about his emotions, making it easy for you to read back then. There were many instances when you two got in trouble because of it. And every time he would look around like he did right now in the training room.

His parents did not like that part about him, telling him over and over again, that he needed to calm down if he ever wished to become a leader.  
It took some time but he slowly began to hide behind a perfect poker-face he only let go of, when you two where alone.

No one said a word, making it a little awkward. Keith was still wearing a grin but said nothing else. You got up and held a hand out for Shiro who looked a little surprised.

“If I would take it I would pull you down with me.”, he said yet he took your hand anyway.

Clearly not putting all of his weight on you he got up, “That was intense. I would've never guessed how skilled you already were. Keith must have a lot of fun with you.”

_That sounds awfully wrong..._

Keith only shrugged, “I already told her that I can't wait until she's a match for me. But seeing her like that made me realize that this day might come even sooner than I thought possible.”

He looked over to you with glint in his eyes, “Try me? I promise, no wicked ice-cream-games this time around.”

You laughed and accepted his invitation.

As you two eyed each other you knew that Keith was more skilled and the stronger one of you. Yet maybe you could at least be one step ahead and wait for the opportunity to land one single blow.

You started to feel the same surge of energy you did at the public hands-on-combat-performance weeks ago. This time you paid closer attention to it, your breathing becoming deeper. This somehow sharpened your focus as well as you waited for Keith to make his first move.

Your barely noticed when he swayed to the right and started zigzagging towards you. Still, you could feel his movements and went out of his way almost like a dancer. There was a short pause in his movements which you used to get some distance between you two. He spun around and bolted, making you jump.

For a reason you could not quite understand yet, you almost _knew_ what he was about to do next. It dawned on you that the reason might simply be that you've spend a lot of time together, in and out of battle.

You sensed his next kick as well, diving under him to land a punch against shoulder, making him stagger a little. Without thinking you ran behind him with full speed, landing a kick against his leg, making him fall. He then grabbed your hand and pulled you with him to the floor.

It was a draw.

“What... what on earth _was_ that?”, Keith breathed and shot you a glance, “I've never showed you this kind of stuff.”

“I don't really know... I just did what felt right.”, you answered as you got up to a sitting position.

“You might have the same kind of talent Keith has.”, Shiro handed you a glass of water, “You've always been a fast learner so maybe fighting falls into this as well.”

The younger one did not say anything for the next minutes, which started to make you feel uncomfortable. Did you hurt him or his pride? You did not mean to appear as a genius who was only playing the dumb student to rise above her senior.

“Keith, I... I am sorry. I did not mean...”, he waved it off, showing you a big grin.

“I was just thinking about what techniques we could practice over winter-break so I can continue to kick your ass.”

“Keith.”, Shiro said in a sincere voice, “She just kicked yours. Don't brag.”

 

The upcoming days you spent a lot of time with Keith and Shiro in and out of the training-room. On Sunday evening you suggested to watch a movie for once, your body aching from the amount of punches and kicks you've received. Both of them were happy to come over to your room and offered to bring some snacks.

This would be the first time you would welcome either of them into your room, which made you a little nervous. Everything was tidy yet full of books and notes – a creative mess.

The sudden knock on your door made your heart beat faster and it only got worse when you saw that Shiro had come over alone.

“Where's Keith?”, you asked a little alarmed – did he get into trouble?

“He fell asleep after training and I am not the one to wake him. He's the worst after taking a nap.”, did you just imagined things or was Shiro nervous as well?

You pushed that thought aside, letting him in. He looked way too big for your tiny room and way to collected compared to your shelves full of covers.

Shiro eagerly looked around, his eyes wide.

“It's a little like home. I like it.”, he finally said, turning his attention to you.

That statement made you smile. _Home_. A word you no longer had an idea of where that might be for you. Home always meant Shiro as well but when he took off to follow his dreams your home became empty. There was no laughter with your foster-family, no lightness or anything to wish to come back to.

You shook your head, waving these thoughts aside.

You were here now.

It was over.

Shiro seemed to have noticed your distress, a cloud of worry passing over his features before he looked away again as if he did not know what to say.

“I have the perfect movie for us.”, you said lightly, not wishing for your memories to ruin this evening.

Going over to your desk you pick up a copy of a cartoon-movie, holding it up for Shiro to see. After he'd read the title he began laughing, obviously remembering it as well. It was one of the hottest movies when you were both rather young and it was the first movie you were allowed to see without your parents. It took a while to persuade Shiro's parents but eventually they agreed.

“Where did you find such an old thing?”, he asked with admiration in his voice.

“If I ever want to become a scientist I better know how to research and find stuff.”, you countered while you plunged onto your bed and turned on the screen.

Shiro grabbed the snacks he brought and sat next to you, watching you as you started the movie and the iconic first scene appeared on screen.

“Do you remember how scared you were of this?”, he laughed, “I had to calm you and convince you not to run away.”

“Yes, you offered me a whole bar of chocolate if I was brave enough to stay!”, you grinned.

It was nice. It felt right. You two alone watching an old movie that brought back memories of a time when things were not as complicated and full of responsibilities.  
The movie went on while you commented each and every scene, reminiscing your visit at the theatre and how many more times you've seen it since then. How you've known each song – and still did as you sang along each one – and how it was a great idea of you to have thought of that.

“Keith needs to see it as well if he wants to stay friends with us.”, Shiro mused.

You hummed and let your head fall on his shoulder. A movement you thought nothing into at that point. It just felt right to do it, having him close. As if he felt the same he put his arm around you and you stayed like that for the rest of the movie, almost falling asleep from the exhaustion.

Only after Shiro had went off to his own room, trying to catch some sleep before another meeting the next morning, did you realize what you had done, getting so close to him. Furthermore your heart had been in turmoil this entire time yet it flushed you with happiness to think about it.

You went to bed with the biggest smile ever.

  

The rest of the week consisted of Shiro being held up in way too many meetings, conferences and whatnot while you and Keith roamed the school-grounds. He even took you off-base on a hover-bike once, showing you the basic controls far off at a nice spot in the desert. It was nothing compared to the complex controls inside a shuttle yet you still struggled a little to not fall off.

It was fun and relaxing to just spend time with a friend and no schoolwork, no drama. Still, you used your time to study as well as you did not plan on falling behind once classes resumed. The kick-off of the first ones has been hard enough. But still you had to admit that without you having some difficulties to wrap your head around the basics you might've not been able to have Shiro back in your life – a fact you did not want to have changed no matter what.

The evenings were mainly spent in the training room first and with some movie afterwards, with Keith mostly falling asleep after the first half hour. You almost always ended up wishing that Shiro would stay the night and be it only to have him five minutes in the morning.

Such thoughts bewildered you yet you did not ponder them too much. You just decided to be happy about the time you had.

It was the last day of the year, marking the last day of winter-break with all the students coming back the next day. You woke up to a text-message.

_I will pick you up tonight around 10 p.m._

You furrowed your brows but couldn't help the grin that began to stretch over your face. Of course you did not think about spending New Year's alone in your room, but getting an invitation was something else entirely. You knew that both of them were busy preparing for their courses and extracurricular activities which left you plenty of time to study, prepare... and think.

What did he had in mind? There were no fireworks at the base and the small town lay behind a mountain and going there would mean to stay off-base way past curfew.

You were definitely excited to find out but first there was schoolwork to be done. Groaning you started the paragraph anew.

  

The day seemed to stretch on for an eternity. Still, finally, the evening came and left you with the question wether to dress up or not, Shiro not saying anything on the matter even after you texted him.

After a long thought you decided to chose the middle-path which would work perfectly fine whatever it was he had planned, safe for another round of training but you couldn't possibly think of all variables. Standing in front of the mirror, wearing a plain black dress with violet flower-pedals around the bottom line.

Ten o'clock came and went and you waited in your room, worryingly eyeing your watch as the arms pointed at 10:20 p.m..

He did not answer your calls which made you quite uneasy to say the least. Your heart felt as if it was held in a tight grip which only started to loosen up when you heard someone knock on your door.

With a few strides you went over and opened it, being taken aback by what you saw.

Shiro stood in front of you, wearing a black button-down-shirt pared with jeans. He looked gorgeous and you had a hard time to keep your beating heart at bay.

From the way he looked at you you could clearly tell that he was uncomfortable to be so late, which he even voiced a moment later.

“Somehow every time I want to meet up with you something comes up suddenly, wrecking my perfect planing... I am deeply sorry.”, he even bowed his head a little.

You waved it aside, “No worries. You said 'around 10 p.m.' alright. I was just a _little_ nervous something had happened to you.”

The last sentence slipped out of your mouth before you could catch it. He looked at you surprised while you silently screamed – how embarrassing! You wished you were a little less awkward in some situations.

“You were... worried about me?”, Shiro asked silently.

“I always am. You're dear to me. It's only natural. And besides, you're not the best at keeping yourself safe and sound.”, you smiled, remembering all the instances in which he fell, physically and mentally and you helping him up.

Of course it wasn't only him. He was also always there when you needed him, which was more often the case than you would've liked yet it never was put up for discussion. You simply _were_ a perfect team.

As you grew up he became more aware of what was expected of him, something you never wanted for him. He shoved away every negative thing until it all exploded inside of him, making him doubt himself even more. Shortly before he left for the Garrison he even stopped to let you in.

Maybe it was time to change that.

“So... Are you ready to go?”, he asked, obviously trying to change the topic and to make up for the time lost.

“Am I finally being kidnapped?”, you acted as if you were to faint which made him smile again.

He didn't say a word, just scooped you up and started to carry you down the corridor, “Now I got myself a fine maiden.”

You laughed so much you were out of breath, unable to give him any kind of response at all. Seeing him without his mask of composure and calmness made you happy yet a little sad as well. He shouldn't be forced to wear it at all. Maybe once you've finished your training and you became a team maybe with Keith and Matt and the others, he could trash that pretence for good and smile like he did right now.

He carried you outside, making you question where you were going. Still, he did not say a single thing, making your excitement grow even further. You also wondered where Keith was at a time like this. Hopefully he would jump right out of the – non-existent – bushes and laugh about your situation.

Yet nothing happened as Shiro carried you further and further into a part of the Garrison you've never been to before. He finally stopped in front of a door, putting you back down.

“My maiden, I have to ask you to put this blindfold over your eyes, so you won't see where I take you.”, Shiro said with a crooked grin as he handed you the blindfold.

There was no one else in the entire world you would trust not to take advantage of you while being blindfolded. He would not go ahead and spin you around just to see you stagger all over the place. You took the piece of cloth from his hand and put it over your eyes.

“You know, there's really no point in being so cautions about where we go. I have a horrible sense of orientation. I may even get lost on a straight road!”, you remembered your first day here and smiled.

“I remember more than one occasion when I had to pick you up somewhere around our middle school because you simply strayed off the streets you knew too well.”, his eyes could barely hide his amusement, “You always found something more interesting to look at which lead you to go after it.”

“I am naturally curious!”, you tried to defend yourself as you fixated the blindfold over your eyes, blackening out everything.

You felt Shiro taking your hand and leading you inside. You took a too many turns to remember, even if you planned to escape.

Despite not seeing anything at all you were not scared. Shiro was here after all and that was enough to set you at ease. Or at least, to make you worry about the touch of his warm hand instead of you accidentally running into a wall.

You heard doors sliding open and close behind you, then a force moving you upwards – an elevator. At this point your mind started to race, still trying to figure out where you were supposed to go.

Something about the way Shiro held your hand gave off the impression that he was nervous – something you not thought possible.

Before you could ask the question aloud, the doors slid open and he guided you a few more steps before letting go of your hand.

“You can take it off now...”, he sounded a little unsure.

You did as you were told. When your eyes were ready to focus again you took an unintended step back. You were on the rooftop on the outermost-corner of the base, right below what seemed to be the whole galaxy. There were a few benches for students to sit on, right now decorated with fairy lights and candles. There was even a tiny buffet to be found, consisting mostly of sweets. On the spot closest to the railing lay a blanket on the floor, completed with some cushions. There was even music playing in the background.

It took you a few moments to take it all in.

“I may went a little overboard...”, you heard Shiro say behind you which made you spin around and face him.

“ _You_ put this all up?!”, you asked with big eyes.

After a moment of hesitation he nodded and nervously scratched his cheek.

You could not believe it. This was just too much.

“We've been talking about the stars for as long as I can remember. So I thought it would be nice to take advantage of the view and lighten it up... a little.”, he still seemed to be a little insecure about the whole thing, despite you beaming at him, your mouth agape.

You looked around once more, drinking in the big and small things, the attention to detail in the whole arrangement, “I love it. It's beautiful. As if... Almost as if I was walking through a sea of stars myself!”

You spun around a few times, taking advantage of the large amount of space. Shiro just looked at you, his nervousness slowly fading away. As you continued to dance by yourself he came over to you and silently asked to join you. Overwhelmed by happiness you took his hands and spun him around with you. His cheeks were flushed making him even more gorgeous.

After a while you slowed down and he pulled you in for an embrace. Both your hearts were racing against each other as you breathed in his familiar scent.

Neither of you wanted to be the first one to make a move but eventually you broke apart, your eyes glittering with excitement.

“There's even a buffet – I have to check it out!”, not letting go of his left hand you ran over to the one table converted into a buffet.

There were all kinds of sweets, cookies and cake – all your favourites.

“Is there anything you did not think about?”, you asked admiringly.

Something about your question seemed to set him off, his smile crackling up. Alarmed you tried to be patient so he could find his own words.

“Let's grab something and sit down, shall we?”, he then just said, obviously not ready yet.

Sighing inwardly you stuffed your mouth with way too many cookies before you followed him to the blanket, plunging right next to him. Despite being the last day of the year, the air was still rather warm – definitely an advantage of having a base in the middle of a desert.

You two looked up at the stars for quite some time, him pointing out constellations and destinations for future missions. It was only a matter of time until you two would fly up there together, doing all kinds of manoeuvres and research.

“Did you hear about the next big extraterrestrial mission that's scheduled in late June?”, you asked him.

Shiro twitched and only nodded.

“Kerberos is one of the five moons of Pluto. How can a planet this small have five moons? It's so exciting! We could learn so much from researching and getting back ice-samples and rocks and whatnot! If it weren't so far away and dangerous... I would love to go.”, you looked over to him, wanting to share your buzzing feeling with him, but Shiro just looked at you with an expression you could not quite place.

Still, you went on and if only to fill the strange silence that began to settle in, “But honestly I don't know what I would do if I was gone for more than a year. I would probably miss you all too much to even make it to launch!”

You meant to turn things around and joke about it, to lighten the mood. Still, deep down you knew that such a mission would hurt you more than you dared to admit. If you imagined that he would fly up there... It would hurt at least as much as when he left for the Garrison.

 _Don't be ridiculous it would be only a little more than a year! Besides, he is right here._  
  
There might've been something you said out loud that strung the wrong chord with him yet he was just keeping it to himself. Did he noticed your true thoughts?  
All you could do was guess and try to change the subject.

“So... Where's Keith? Is he sleeping through the last hours of the old year right into the new?”, again no answer.

Shiro just looked like a beaten dog, his eyes swimming. It was heartbreaking to see him like that. You let out a long breath.

“I get it. I said something wrong that upset you. I am sorry. Please just tell me what it was and-”

“It has nothing... to do... with you.”, he cut you off seemingly not knowing how to deal with the situation at hand.

“Then what bothers you so much that it drowns out all of this.”, you gestured at his setup and the stars and you two, “Please, let me in. You've been shoving me away for so long...”

Even to your ears it sounded like a plea. Yet you did not care. He was clearly in pain, still trying to keep it in.

You were at a total loss, having no idea what to do to help him or untangle this situation. Making you way over to him a few inches away you just hugged him again.

“I am sorry... I did not mean to hurt you.”, you whispered.

“[Y/N], it's not... you.”, he seemed to have to force each syllable out of his mouth.

You let go of him only to hold him by the shoulders at arm's length. Looking at him and not asking again and again to tell you, was the only thing left for you to do.

After a few moments Shiro let out a grave sigh and looked you straight in the eye.

“ _I_ am the pilot for the Kerberos-Mission.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are at the end of this chapter and I am telling you, the end hurt me so much to write! Poor Floofy boy...
> 
> Find me at:  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/justhinothings)
> 
> Here is the[ Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhyRr3fH5Dvlzt9AzQ3iWPGNiZXxkdZ8I).


	6. Feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look around you.  
> Appreciate what you have.  
> Nothing will be the same in a year.  
> ___________________________________________________

It was 11:35 p.m. on New Year's when you felt something break inside of you.

You could even hear a shattering sound as if someone had smashed a window right next to your ear. There was a sudden pain in your chest, almost making you break away from Shiro. Yet you resisted and even tried to remain calm on the outside while your thoughts were screaming at you, your heart on fire.

“...What?”, was all you were able to say, searching his face with big eyes.

“The reason, why I was kept in all these meetings and conferences this past week was to discuss the last things that needed to be done so we could go ahead and launch the mission.”, he said quietly, his voice hoarse.

“When... When was all of that decided?”

_Why didn't you tell me?_

“A couple of days ago. The whole planning started way before you came here. I signed up for it almost immediately, thinking it would never work out anyway and it couldn't hurt to try. It pushed me even more to try harder... When they told me that I was the one going I did not know how to feel.”, he looked aside, not able to keep eye-contact with you, “I was so eager to try and go out there... To finally fly to the stars. But now I don't know anymore.”

You looked at his profile, beautiful under the clear sky yet so full of hurt and confusion, torn. It made your heart ache even more.

“Why would they even think about letting another pilot be the first one so far out when you're clearly the best one they have?”, you smiled against the pain.

You had so many questions for him and yourself but right there and then you knew that they would be of no help at all. He was clearly torn by this, he did not needed you nagging as well.

Furthermore you had to clear your mind as well, maybe some things would solve themselves as they always did.

Shiro looked at you and your warm smile with unhidden wonder as if he could not believe you were not yelling at him. A part of you felt that this would be the right thing to do, but an even bigger one knew that it would not change the situation in the slightest.

“There is no one and I mean  _no one_ better suited to pilot this thing than you. You wanted to go up there even before I learned what a neutron-star was. You told me stories about adventures we would go on together. And this is your first one. I will follow you on the next if you would let me.”, your voice was warm and firm, every word you meant as you said it, “The time you'll be up there – a year or so – will be over in a flash, we won't even notice! You're being all cool up in space, carrying around ice-samples and me trying to learn how to even lift off.”

He flashed a tiny and insecure smile at your last remark, trying his hardest to cheer up as well. Good thing he didn't know that you were in an inner turmoil as well, trying your hardest not to cry.

“I did not intended to tell you today...”, he looked around the rooftop, “I wanted us to have a good time. I am sorry.”

You shook your head, “Nothing to be sorry for. We're friends. The kind that calls each other to listen to the silence on the other end. The kind that trust each other blindly. There is nothing you have to apologize for. Especially not for feeling anything, Takashi.”

The use of his given name made him tremble a little. You only ever called him with it when you wanted to emphasize how important he was to you. Not that he knew that, but he definitely realized that you did not use it lightly or to make fun of him.  
On the contrary, his name meant a lot to you. It remembered you of home.

 

 

_The first time you've ever called him by his given name was back in middle school where you found him after he was beaten up by some boys who had a problem with him being a good student. He looked awful, he had a cut over his eyebrow and bruises on both arms. When you finally reached him as he sat under the tree behind his house he looked at you in panic._

_He then tried to smile and wave it off but you only fished a tissue and some bandaids with cats out of your bag and began to clean off his wounds. He flinched a few times and told you to stop it but you ignored him._

“ _White cat or black cat?”, you asked, holding up two bandaids._

“ _I don't...”, he sighed knowing too well that there was no one who could stop you, “Black cat. You're the white one.”_

“ _Why am I the white one?”, you asked while you applied the bandaid to his brow._

“ _Black cats are known to cause bad fortune. A white cat is the opposite.”_

“ _But if they are together, it becomes grey. And grey means_ all _possibilities!”._

_Shiro looked at you in awe which made you proud and believe you've said something very clever. For a few moments he did not respond anything, being deep in thought._

_You were done with cleaning him up. He still looked kinda horrible but there was only so much you could do. His parents would scold him anyway._

“ _I like the idea.”, he said finally, “So we should stick together to trick our fortunes.”_

_By now he was smiling again, your childish logic washing away all the negativity and at least part of the pain he must've felt._

“ _I like it too.”, you said fondly, “I like it very much, Takashi.”_

 

 

It was very close to midnight now. You were still holding Shiro at arms length not knowing what he thought of you using his given name after all this time. Biting your lower lip you had no idea what to say or do next. You wanted this gnawing feeling inside of you to go away. You wanted him to feel better. Or to turn back time so you would not say anything about the Kerberos-Mission at all, ruining this perfect evening.

Because you felt like you did. He put so much effort and love into the preparations and you destroyed it all with a few words.

“I still feel like I have failed you... I should've told you sooner. Yet somehow I... I just couldn't get myself to voice it. It would make it too real.”, Shiro looked at you, his eyes swimming.

“You told me now.”, you simply said, blocking out the noise inside of you.

There was silence once more, wrapping you up like a blanket. Surely there was no easy way out of it, but you wanted to find a way out together. After all you were proud of him and his accomplishments.

You finally let go of him and started to arrange the cushions into a comfortable seat for him, before you crawled unto his lap like you did when you were little.

Maybe, you mused, you were letting this go too easily. Maybe you should demand answers more forcefully. Yet maybe this was something that would take time to wrap your head around. The storm inside of you was pushed aside by your thumping heart, going crazy of the proximity of him. You could still think about all of this tomorrow and if need be, you could yell and fight and argue tomorrow as well. At that moment you just wanted to enjoy the solitude of ' _your'_ rooftop and his heartbeat so close.

“We still have ten minutes or so.”, you said after glancing at your watch, “Tell me about this constellation here. The one that looks like a triangle.”

For another moment Shiro was silent and you were scared that he would insist on discussing everything him piloting the Kerberos-Mission would entail but then he looked up and began to talk.

His voice was steady again, no insecurities to be found anymore, as he told you how far away those stars were and what they were called and how you are basically looking back into the past.

“So you mean we could find a star whose light reached us after four years meaning back there we're still back home?”, you asked longingly.

“We could go even further back. To the time we tried to build a tree-house.”, he answered, a smile in his voice,

“Or when we went to the movies for the first time.”

“Or when we came up with the dream to roam the stars...”

You two fell silent, each one thinking about the pasts you wished to visit. A minute before midnight Shiro asked you to get up and follow him to the rail.

“Officially there are no fireworks allowed on school-grounds. But I thought a little wouldn't hurt.”, he said cryptically.

At the chime of your watch a handful of fireworks exploded in some distance from you, painting the sky with beautiful patterns. Another few followed in a pretty choreography. You stood there, holding onto the rail your mouth agape, eyes glittering. It was so cliché yet so perfect. You wouldn't want to have it any other way.

“He's doing a pretty good job.”, Shiro said beside you.

“Who is?”

“Keith. Who do you think is setting the fuses on fire up in the mountains there?”

“But... Why?”

“He offered me to help. Initially it was his idea to organize some fireworks in the first place.”

You made a mental reminder to thank Keith for the beauty he created, letting this weird and emotional day end with colours and a wonderful memory.

 

_For this, you owe me big time, Shirogane._

_K._

 

“It felt as if this week was _never_ going to end!”, Lance held you in a firm embrace, playing the role of the drama-queen perfectly, “My family is wonderful and all but so _loud_! I am so glad to be back with you guys!”

You laughed at his expression as he let go of you, seeing Hunk and Pidge coming over to you. The three of them were below the first ones to arrive back at the Garrison on the first day of the New Year, sometime around Lunch. Despite your happiness of your friends being back you could not shake the feeling of fatigue. You night was neither long nor good.

“Let's get this stuff back in our rooms and then we should grab some food!”, picking up his bag, Lance started to walk towards the student's wing.

“Did he got a hit on his head? I mean, I didn't miss this goo here at all!”, Hunk whispered so only you and Pidge could hear, making you laugh out loud and Lance turn around.

“I heard that!”, he tried to be strict but failed as he could not hide his amusement, “Come on, get moving – there are all varieties of goo for us to try!”

 

 

The day went by in a blur, your head heavy from the lack of sleep and the amount of questions you still tried your best to work out. There were so many things you did not understand or were afraid to really think about. Yet you were certain that it all boiled down to the fact that Shiro was leaving and something inside of you did not liked the idea of it despite this being very exciting for him and you as well. He had loved the stars since you knew him, which made him study hard – something that was easily forgotten as people loved to think he had it all by default.

In the afternoon you stopped by the training-room to peek inside but Keith was nowhere to be found. You had hoped to thank him for his sacrifice yesterday. Obviously you had to wait.

Your next destination was your assigned tutoring-room. There was no agreement between you and Shiro wether you would meet up or not. Again, the room was empty.

After you closed the door behind you, you collapsed on a chair, only wanting to savour the silence and solitude for a few moments. Looking out of the window you wondered when and why things had become so increasingly difficult. Back home there were no secrets, no stupid thoughts if it was alright so say or act a certain way. Everything seemed so easy and clear.

At least with Shiro it did.

Of course there were difficult times and hardships and also some fights and arguments. But nothing, not even the biggest incident made you feel like you did now. Blocked out. Walled in. Scared.

But scared of what?

You could feel that the answer was so close yet you could still not put your finger to it.

Frustrated you decided to go back to your room and to attempt to read a little until you passed out.

As you walked along the corridors back to your wing, you heard two familiar voices talking in hushed tones around the corner. Shiro and Keith seemed to be in the middle of a heated debate.

Not meaning to interrupt you turned around and wanted to take the route across the courtyard, when the sound of your name made you pause a moment too long.

“What do you mean, you _told_ her?”, Keith seemed at least a little furious.

“I did not intend to. Yesterday I mean. I had no idea...”, Shiro on the other hand sounded hurt.

“You had no idea that she could read you after knowing you for basically all her life? You had no idea that she would congratulate you because she cheers you on, like, always?”

“Geez, Keith... Don't...”, he let out a loud sigh, “I had no idea that it would hurt so bad.”

There was a short pause, the perfect opportunity for you to leave yet something had frozen you in your place. You knew it was wrong and this conversation was not meant for you to hear at all. Finally you made another step towards the door when Keith began to speak again.

“If she knows already she also deserves the _whole_ thing. The truth.”

“I am not sure I am brave enough yet.”, Shiro's voice was barely audible, “It might change everything and... I can't stand it if it would cause her even more pain.”

The discussion was clearly not over but you heard their footsteps carrying them further away from you. For minutes on end you just stood there, not able to take in what you've just heard. Your face white as if you've seen a ghost.

Clearly it would've been better for you if you would have walked away.

 

 

The night that followed was not exactly bad yet it wasn't great either. Still, you woke up with more energy and the confidence that only time can tell you some of the answers you sought. This thought lifted your spirits only a little, not able to wash away all of the questions and feelings that had piled up, but it was enough to be able to focus on the funny stories at your usual breakfast table and on the lectures that followed.

As you got changed for your hands-on-combat-course you heard hushed whispers behind you, telling the story of Tanja having a boyfriend. From the way the three of them looked at you it was clear, that they made a show just for you to overhear.

You wondered why you should care in the first place. Maybe the right guy would take her attention off of you and help her to fight her own inner demons.

It was the first time you saw Keith after he set the sky in flames. Warming up you casually looked around, checking that no one could hear you.

“I had no chance to thank you yet for the fireworks. They were beautiful! I just wish we could've watched them together, all three of us!”, your voice was low yet full of a sudden rush of excitement as you remembered the choreography.

Keith couldn't help himself as a small smile appeared on his lips, “I can hardly stand you two together for a solid five minutes, let alone a whole evening!”

“Hey! You've spent every single evening with us last week!”, you playfully nudged him, “I mean it. Thank you.”

Maybe you imagined things but you could've sworn that a blush, ever so slightly, painted Keith's cheeks a little pink.

“When you're down marvelling over my perfectly-shaped face, could we start?”, he said finally, helping you up to standing, “I want to show off some of the things we worked on.”

 

 

Surprisingly you met Matt at lunch, who told you about flying up with to Kerberos as well. Hearing that made your heart sink a little as it meant you would have to forgo on another friend of yours for so long yet you could not help to share his excitement and congratulate him. After all you would've loved to fly up there yourself with them.

_If only Shiro would stay here..._

You shook your head to let go of such stupid thoughts. It was only selfish of you to think like that. You would not be the friend who would stand in the way of his dreams. Something you've sworn a long time ago.

It was his life and his dream after all.

As you sat there with him, deep in a conversation about the potential results from the icicles Matt would have to extract with his Father – a scientist as well – and analyse you heard the same hushed whispers from before. This time they were even more eager to reach your ears, making you groan. Why were they so fixed on you in the first place? Did they try to make you jealous?

You decided to continue to ignore them so they would naturally stop. At least you hoped that they would.

Matt looked at you with a certain degree of concern yet he did not say anything at all, maybe thinking it was not his place.

“We should all go together and hit the arcade before we go. I still have a few games to beat and I am scared that they are going to throw those old machines out while I'm gone.”, he grinned at you, appearing way younger.

“I would like that.”, you answered, not sure if you really meant it.

 

 

For your flight-simulation class, the officer decided to keep the teams as they were and only shuffle the positions within them around for the next couple of weeks. For you this meant that you were the pilot and Andy would be the engineer, making Caroline your Co-Pilot.

There was no way that this would end as well as the course before winter-break, but you still had to make it work somehow.

For Lance and the others it meant that Hunk would pilot their shuttle and Lance had to try and keep his mouth shut as engineer. You could already feel that this would be something the two of them would take a long time to forget. Knowingly Pidge shot you a glance and a broad grin.

_Maybe things could be alright again, after all._

Your team was called into the simulator for the first mission: landing on a rough and unsteady plateau on Mars. Caroline helped you to calm down, believing in you more than you believed in yourself. You were not sure if her confidence in your skills was helping you relax or stressing you out. Still, you were determined to try your best and to make your peers proud.

Moving the shuttle out of the hangar and into space had already become second nature to you as was reading the instruments and coordinates. You trusted your comrades blindly which gave all three of you enough space to talk and joke while you steered through the wide open space.

Everything out there was so calm yet restless. It made your heart yearn to finally get into space for real.

Mars came into view, Andy calmingly commenting on his readings. Caroline gave the exact coordinates of your landing spot as you slowly lowered the shuttle down. Nothing seemed out of place, all systems working perfectly fine.

The landing went over without a hitch, you placed the shuttle onto the plateau ever so delicately.

Just before you could get the words out that the mission was a success, an alarm shrilled through the cockpit, informing you that the floor was disintegrating at a frightening speed. Andy confirmed this from his own readings and Caroline looked at you with round eyes, seemingly at a loss too.

This was the first simulation with a hidden hitch in it and it was not her being the pilot but you, the engineer.

Panic was rising up inside of you yet you knew that giving up was not an option yet. You took a deep breath in and started to focus on the things that you still could do.

_Patience yields focus._

Starting the main engines would cause the ground to crumble at an even faster rate. You requested a map of the area as well as an analysis of what lay below you. Caroline and Andy were very fast and you had the data up on your screen within a few moments.  
The ground below you was cavernous and the additional data attached hinted at a riverbed below as well.

Another deep breath in.

This could be the worst idea you've ever had or the quickest solution to your situation. A glance towards Caroline and Andy told you that they were with you, no matter what.

You requested to load the canon and start the four final drives to roll forward ever so slowly towards the edge of the crumbling plateau. Once you've reached it you started the main engine and drove the shuttle over the edge, plunging right down, nose forward.

With a smile you imagined the faces of the ones watching on the outside as you gave the order to shoot straight down a few times.

The shuttle went full-speed through the dust, your eyes glued to the readings as your only way to navigate. A few metres before you would've hit the ground you pulled the joystick back and brought the shuttle into a horizontal position again.

Finally you could see where you fell into and the three of you let out a loud cheerful roar as you saw that indeed you were in a cave formed by a former river. You followed it for a few hundred metres until you came out the other end. You positioned the shuttle on stable ground and finally the screen showed the message of you successfully completing the simulation.

With a huge sigh of relief you let go of the joystick and leaned back into your chair, shooting your comrades an admiring look.

“We did it!”, you smile at them, grateful to have such amazing people beside you.

As you exited the simulator you immediately found yourself in another tight embrace from Hunk who looked at you as if you've just won the nobel price. Pidge even looked like he would cry at any minute and Lance just stared at you with big eyes.

You felt the hand of the officer resting on your shoulder as he stepped next to you, giving you an approving nod before he gestured Lance, Hunk and Pidge that it was finally their turn now. They would certainly have another problem to solve which made you realize that from now on nothing was certain anymore.

Not in the simulation and not in your life.

As you sat down and watched their trial unfold you couldn't help but groan under your breath.

_All of this is just a stupid mess..._

 

 

It took a while to get on your way to your tutoring as you had to lift Hunk up a little who had almost failed his first time piloting due to his motion-sickness yet they made it somehow. Above everything he was embarrassed about his sensitive digestive systems. Yet after you reminded him about your first time inside the simulator and the way you crashed in the most retarded way he could no longer hide his grin.

With another nudge you went your separate ways. If you were honest you were nervous about meeting Shiro after the weird talk you've had two days ago. Your thoughts were still a mess and you did not know how to get your point across without putting him in a tight spot.

Deep in thought you turned the last corner just to stop dead in your tracks. At first you could not believe what you saw.

Shiro stood there right in front of ' _your_ ' room talking to no one else but Tanja. She seemed to enjoy herself, laughing and flicking her hair back in a way that made your throat tighten. She then made a step forward and hugged Shiro as if she wanted to but was simply not allowed to do more.

You just stood there, glued to the ground and not able to tear your eyes away.

Suddenly as if he could feel your presence, Shiro looked straight at you, mouthing your name. Without thinking you casually turned around and walked back the way you came only to break into a run once you were certain they would not see you anymore.

You forcefully opened the door to your room, slamming it shut. With trembling fingers you pulled your phone out and wrote a short message as you slid down the door, your feet not supporting you anymore.

_I just remembered I have an appointment. See you tomorrow._

The message was barely sent when you let the phone drop to the floor and you felt tears streaming down your cheeks.

As you sat there for what seemed like an eternity you suddenly understood. The pieces of the puzzle finally came together and you almost laughed at yourself for being so naïve and blind. And maybe a little stubborn to not _want_ to see. You still wanted to deny it but then again there was no point in it whatsoever.

After all this time you finally understood why your heart was all over the place whenever you saw him. Why you were so happy to just spend time with him, listening to his deep voice. Why you could not imagine to go to space with anyone else.

It put into perspective why you fought battles you were destined to lose for him, why the whispers hurt you so much and why your lungs were not able to let you breath normally since you saw him with someone else. Why him stating that he had found someone special made you happy yet hurt so much it ripped your chest open.

This feeling you tried to deny for so long, emerging again and again whenever he flashed his boyish smile, making you feel like you could take on the entire world at once.

You finally saw why you could only think of home when you included him in the picture. Or, to be more precise, why he _was_ your home. The place to return to. The one to shield you from the demons inside your head and from the cruel jokes of your peers. He was the reason you tried so hard to reach him, the reason you smiled and the reason you swore to never give up ever again.

Looking at your phone, the icon of an unread message blinking at you, you finally understood this storm inside of you.

_Can I come over?_

Through your tears it was hard to make out the words. Nothing of this should be hard. Nothing should make you hurt so much.

Love should not make you wish you two had never met.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday! I hope this chapter finds you well despite the cliffhanger (I am so sorry!!). What do you think about the story so far (I personally love the first sentence so much)? Tell me in a comment or write me on  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/justhinothings)  
> I love to hear from you wether it is a comment, a suggestion or cursing my name for letting them orbit each other too long. ;)
> 
> Here is the[ Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhyRr3fH5Dvlzt9AzQ3iWPGNiZXxkdZ8I). Did you listen to it?
> 
> Have a great weekend and I will read you on Monday!


	7. Playing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You want to know what living life to the fullest also is?  
> It's waking up on a Monday morning with no complaints  
> even though you know you have a hard week approaching.  
> It's knowing you deserve to smile and laugh.  
> It's doing what you want to, no matter how stupid it may look.  
> It's about being yourself 'cause  
> no one can tell you you're doing it wrong.  
> Living lige to the fullest isn't always buying a plane ticket and traveling,  
> sometimes  
> it's the small things we easily look passed.  
> ______________________________________________________________

You never answered his message as you had no idea how to. Just breathing normally took more effort than it used to. It was ridiculous, you knew. Still, you could not escape your own head. The thoughts just kept coming, rolling over and over again as if someone had opened a valve and forgot how to close it again.

After quite some time – you had lost track of it – you heard a knock on your door, making you jump to your feet. Quickly wiping away your tears and shoving aside your thoughts the best you could you turned around and opened the door.

It was Hunk, holding up a tray of Muffins, with Lance and Pidge behind him. When they saw you their smiles fell off their faces immediately. Without anyone saying a single word they all came inside. The door was barely shut when you found yourself in yet another embrace from Hunk who balanced the tray with one hand. No one said anything for a long time.

Having them here with you at your most vulnerable state yet calmed you. On the other hand you felt ashamed. You never planned for them to take pity in you or carry your load as well. How do you explain something you hardly have any words to even explain to yourself?

“We made these together because Hunk saved the day today at the simulator and we thought it would be nice to eat them with you!”, Pidge said and smiled warmly.

They clearly gave you all the time and space you needed. They would catch you if you'd fall and have an open ear whenever you were ready.

This made you tear up yet again and you could feel the tears fall again as you took your first bite of a muffin.

“They are... delicious.”, you said with a tiny voice, trying to flash a smile and failing, “I'm.. I'm sorry...”

“Nothing to be sorry for.”, Lance said pulling you close, “We're here for you. You're not alone.”

It was this comfort, this warmth and the trust they put into you that determined that you would let them in. You sat up straight and tried to get everything out in a way for them to understand. Telling them about the feeling that has developed over the years probably but only getting undeniable over the past weeks, about the hushed whispers to confuse you, about what you saw earlier in the corridor and, finally, about the text you did not answered and how you were hurt and confused – all of this made it all painfully real.

After you finished you all sat in silence for a while. This time though it was the good type of silence. The one that left room to just be and enjoy each others company.

Pidge was the first to say something, “It might startle you but... We all kinda knew it was coming.”

“The way you talked about him and how you two interact with each other... Even a blind man could've told you liked him quite a bit.”, Hunk agreed, “We just weren't sure if you simply did not want to tell us or if you were really that oblivious.”

There was not a hint of ferocity in his voice, on the contrary, Hunk, and Pidge as well, wanted to comfort you which filled you with warmth.

“You have to tell him.”, Pidge said again a sincere look on his face, “Before he leaves.”

“I can't... What if it gets awkward because he only sees a friend in me?! Besides, he has someone. He said himself that there was ' _someone special_ ' to him already.”, shaking your head fiercely your voice sounded desperate.

You had thought about that as well. Yet if he did not share your feelings even in the slightest you could either lose him or have a friendship based on tipping around each other. Neither of these two options was really appealing to you. Both would kill you on the inside for sure, it was only a matter of time. Even thinking about it made you squirm.

“But you can't just bottle it up inside of you and hope it would go away!”, Lance exclaimed rather forcefully which made you look at him in surprise, “Look, I see the way you look at him. How your eyes light up and how you smile. That's not a crush, thats much more. And from my understanding such feelings do never really fade away.”

Each of you blinked a few times.

“Lance...”, was all you could say before tears welled up again, making you feel stupid, “All of you... Thank you.”

 

 

Getting up and ready the next morning wasn't too hard as you just pushed the feelings back down again. They were no use after all. Despite your friends insisting you had to tell Shiro how you felt before he left, you decided that you would not. After you were together after all these years you wanted the coming six months to be as easy and light as the past weeks. Furthermore if you still felt the same once he came back you would tell him then and work from there.

Yet you had a slight feeling, that this could be the wrong way to go on about it after all. Still, you waved it aside.

Arriving at your usual table brought a smile to your face as you saw that Lance and Hunk were again in a heated debate over the food they served here. It reminded you so much of your first breakfast with them.

“I tell you, they serve the same stuff over and over and just change the food-colouring!”, Hunk exclaimed trying to bring his point across.

“It's different _every time_ , Hunk!”, Lance replied and scooped up another glob.

“I am amazed that you really like that stuff. On the first day you looked rather... alienated.”, Pidge mused over his cup of tea as he joined them.

Lance just shook his head and went on to explain, “See, we all grow and get older and wiser. That's what we're here for after all, aren't we?”

He shot you a glance as you sat down next do him, suddenly part of the conversation.

“We're here to learn to love the goo?”, you asked trying not to laugh.

Lance blinked a few times, not sure what to make of your remark before he started to laugh himself, you three joining in. It was good to be around them. You hoped that one day you could tell or better yet to show them how much they meant to you.

“I am sorry to interrupt this happy gathering.”, the atmosphere shifted in an instant as you four looked up and saw Shiro standing at your table.

Almost instantly you began to hear hushed voices again from the tables closest to yours, whispers being shared about what the ' _golden boy'_ would want from a crazy group of freshmen. Wasn't he the one Tanja was seeing? What was he thinking getting over to someone like you?!

“There's nothing to interrupt.”, Pidge said, his voice a little to high, “We were just discussing to love the goo.”

Shiro gave him a small smile before he looked at you, “May I abduct you for a moment? It's not going to take long.”

You felt your hands getting sweaty and your hair at the back of your head standing up. Although you felt a little scared and very shy to be alone with him you stood up and waved at your friends. Hunk showed you a thumbs-up as if he was telling you to confess after all. This made your cheeks turn red and you hoped that Shiro would not notice.

He lead you out the cafeteria past all the stares and snickers out into a smaller courtyard without taking any notice. It was raining slightly so he guided you to stand under one of the rare trees. The courtyard was empty safe for a few freshmen passing through on their way to class.

Shiro kept quiet, looking around as if he did not planed so far ahead, looking for the right words to say.

“I am sorry I did not tell you sooner I wasn't going to make it yesterday.”, you finally said, trying your hardest to sound upbeat so not worry him even more, “I bet you have a lot to do so waiting for me was a waste of time... I am sorry.”

His dark eyes searched your face for a moment before he answered, “I don't mind waiting for you.”

Your heart began to beat faster. Still, your face remained unmoved.

“What you saw... Or you _thought_ you saw...”, his voice trailed off again.

“What you do and who you go out with has nothing to do with me, don't worry.”, the smile you flashed him hurt, “I am just sorry I stumble right into this intimate moment!”

Shiro shook his head, “That was what I meant. I don't even _know_ her. I wanted to ask you who that _was_.”

For a few moments you looked at him as if he just explained to you that the earth was flat, trying to find out if he was being serious or lying in order to calm you down.

Then you laughed.

About your own stupidity and naiveté to even think about Shiro being with someone as Tanja.

About his sincere look and good heart to tell you.

About his innocence and blindness so he could never guess what this was all about.

But maybe, most of all, you laughed because you felt a huge relief. The feelings you carried on your own may remain unchanged but knowing that Tanja was just putting on a show to hurt you lifted something off your chest. On the other hand you were furious.

Shiro had nothing to do with her sentiments towards you. Getting him involved was one step too far.

After you caught your breath and calmed down a little you went ahead and told Shiro who she was, especially to you. You only kept out everything that concerned her being right about your own feelings.

“I guess she likes you and because we are close she can't quite stand me.”, you concluded, looking up into the sky.

The rain had gotten worse and still neither you nor Shiro made a move to go back inside.

“What an... interestingly awful person. I can't believe people would go as far just to hurt others.”, he was clearly shocked about your story, “How horrible you must've felt as you moved around the corner! I wish I had known...”

You waved it aside despite feeling like you were about to suffocate.

Would it be like that from now on?

“Don't worry. I am glad you told me straight away.”

“I wanted to tell you yesterday but you never answered so I figured you were... busy.”, something inside of him shifted, he suddenly appeared nervous, “I also wanted to ask you something. Matt had a certain idea and I wanted to discuss it with you. So you know-”

“Yes.”, you said, cutting him of, “Whatever it is. Yes.”

Shiro made a sound as if he was coughing only to reveal a smile, “Come on, at least let me finish for the records!”

“I deeply apologize.”, you bowed and stuck out your tongue, “So, where are we going?”

“Matt brought up the idea that it would be cool if we all – and I mean  _all_ – of us would go to the arcade this weekend to hang out and get as many prices as we could carry back here.”

_Before you leave me again._

Maybe there were still a million questions unanswered between you two. And maybe you would always hurt when he was around. Yet as you looked into his face, eyes wide with excitement and his mouth in a big grin you could not bring yourself to jeopardize it.

“I would love to.”, you said and this time you meant it.

 

 

The teachers and officers had no understanding of the meaning of ' _taking it slowly_ ' as they put a very demanding workload on you and your peers once classes resumed. This meant that you had hardly any time to think about anything that had happened these past few days.

The tutoring resumed yet neither of you wanted to use it as a distraction anymore. It almost felt as if he was withdrawing as much as you. There were still jokes and stories but something definitely had changed.

By Friday afternoon you were so ready for the weekend, only wanting to sleep and not get kicked around the simulator or the training-room. The standard and bar were raised each day and all eyes were on you as you had one lucky day after the other.

Surely you had some kind of talent and you were a fast learner but apart from that it was pure luck – at least to your understanding – that made it possible that you came up with ideas and solutions so fast.

After Shiro had abducted you at the beginning of the week another set of rumours was passed on at the Garrison, making you a focal point of hatred and pranks all over again. You tried your hardest not to let any of this drag you down but with feeling so vulnerable it was hard. You were happy when they started to finally die down a few weeks after your first day. Yet they had started as if no time had passed at all.

Again you were the one who had it all, the honorary-student who is also being accused of having a thing going with someone else's boyfriend. A rumour that was hopefully not going to last.

Fortunately you were surrounded by your friends who defended you as best as they could and lifted your spirits with just being themselves.

Hunk proposed to get together some time in the future to bake some muffins or a cake, and so you could all meet the girl he was tutoring. You even went ahead and asked Keith if he wanted to join. He seemed reluctant at first but after you mentioned that he could eat all the leftover-batter he liked, he was agreeing at last.

As you entered your tutoring-room on Friday Shiro was again waiting for you, reading. Despite you tried to close the door as silently as possible he immediately looked up and smiled.

Again your heart skipped a beat and yet another as you remembered that there were no assignments left for you to work on.

You voiced this and suggested to break apart earlier today.

“Honestly I was hoping for something like that to happen. There are some things I really need to tell you.”, his voice shook a little yet he looked calm, “First and foremost I have to tell you that I want to apologize. I never told you about my application because I thought it wouldn't work. They demanded ridiculous things. And they had no date in mind so I figured – with it being a dangerous and expensive mission – it would not happen before you were here and we could go together.”

You remained silent, taking in his words. There was no doubt that he meant what he said. It must've rolled around in his mind as well, you were certain of it. And because he had a heart too big for his own good, he waited for a moment to try and set it right.

_You did nothing wrong..._

“When they told me it was scheduled to launch in only six months time I was shocked. It felt as if I betrayed you! All the same yet I could not refuse, they told me, or I would have to leave... That was something I couldn't bear so I agreed in the end.”, he closed his mouth as if he wanted to say something else yet decided against it.

“I told you before and I will tell you again and again if that's what you need. I am proud of you and I wish for you to be proud of yourself as well. You will be great.”, you looked gently at him, “Let's enjoy the upcoming six months and leave the worries to a later date.”

“How... Are you not mad at me?”, he wondered, his brows furrowed.

“Because there is no reason for me to be. I have and I will always support you. I have your back. Furthermore you have to test out the space-food before I can try it – I am a maiden after all!”

Just like that all the tension between the two of you evaporated again and he rolled his eyes in a playful manner. The issues still lingered somewhere in the background but you both knew that you would go each step together and you would find a way. Maybe you really let it go too easily but pondering it without being able to change anything really did not seem to be the right track either.

And yet it was always easy with him.

You leaned over the table, “So, about tomorrow...”

 

 

The arcade was almost empty as Lance, Pidge, Hunk, Keith, Matt, Shiro and you entered. Maybe eleven in the morning wasn't exactly rush-hour – which was the reason Matt had suggested it in the first place, for you would not have to wait to try any of the more popular games.

“Especially the crane-games get really busy later in the day. And we _all_ have to try at least once.”, he nudged Shiro with a knowing look who just turned away and said nothing.

Pidge took your hand the minute Matt closed his mouth and dragged you with him to one of the oldest games there was to be found. It was one of the first games developed, he explained, and it was still one of the coolest ever. He went ahead and showed you the simple enough controls before letting you try. The objective was simple: move from left to right and avoid the obstacles that seemed to be coming from everywhere. The further you go the higher the score.

You have played similar games back in the day a few times but money was short and when your foster-family decided to move to a completely different country you lost all interest.

This now, playing redundant games, older than any of you, with friends, was making you grateful to have them and to made the decision to come to the Garrison at all.

Laughing was not hard with them.

“Come on now... You really never played that before?”, Pidge seemed surprise of how long you lasted.

“I played something similar back in my hometown. But not that one. So technically... Yes, I have never played that before.”, you grinned at him as he let out a groan.

“... Smartass.”, he mumbled, his eyes shining.

It seemed he took a liking in that side of you, maybe stacking up a competition in terms of high-scores. It took a mere few more moments until your small character was blown into pieces by a falling rock, making the screen go black, flashing _Game Over_.

“At least my first high-score isn't a complete disaster.”, you grinned as you put the tickets you've won into your pocket.

It was Pidge's turn now and something in his change of appearance told you that he really saw a competitor in you, which made you smile. There was no way you could beat him and his analytical understanding, but at least you could put up a fight.

Except that it didn't feel possible as you watched Pidge to work the controls as if he was born to do it. It was just a childish game without any real story behind, yet you were completely mesmerized by the way he moved the small character across the screen.

Still the time came when even he couldn't dodge all of the obstacles any more and the screen went black again. The amount of tickets almost did not fit into his pockets which made you go up to the counter and see if there already was something he wanted to exchange them for.

They had a lot of different things lined up. A small home-gaming-console caught Pidge's attention while you saw something else entirely.

Pointing at it the staff-member took your tickets and placed it into your hand, Pidge looking at you with a slight hint of confusion.

“Are you hurt?”, he asked.

You only shook your head, “They are meant as a gift. A stupid... gift.”

Another silence, slight panic creeping up inside of you. But before it got a hold of you Pidge grabbed your hand once more and took you with him, “I need, like, a million more tickets to get that console home today and you gotta help me with that!”

Silently, for no one really to hear you answered, “Thank you.”

 

 

Pidge dragged you around what seemed like the whole arcade, showing off games old and new, some which you had no idea how to control – like a virtual reality zombie game or a drag-race – and some you somehow mastered at once. Yet no matter what he showed you you simply enjoyed yourself a lot.

And Pidge was happy to have found someone to share the workload of winning a ton of tickets for his desired price.

As you sat in front of a glass of Coke you were joined by the others again, each with tickets themselves, safe for Hunk who carried something that looked like a robotic leg as big as his forearm. As he sat next to you he grinned broadly, shoving his prize right into your face.

“I got that from the crane-game over there. They had this huge robot there but apparently it was too heavy after all so all I got was that leg. Isn't that super cool?!”, he was laughing and swinging that weird looking thing around wildly.

It looked pretty cool, you thought, but it was only a leg...

“The leg is, like, super important! It keeps the whole robot stable so never scoff at a leg!”, he said as he saw the way you eyed his precious new object.

You laughed as you heard Matt and Pidge argue over the amount of tickets they all had already gathered and why it was too early to stop yet.

“They must think we want to rob them!”, Matt laughed

“I am still short on some fifty I think. For the NES?”, Pidge said, exhaustion in his voice yet still determined to get his hands on the price.

You've been roaming the arcade for at least two hours by now and almost everyone was tired already.

Almost.

“[Y/N], may I ask for this dance?”, Lance said to you, pointing at one of the Dance Dance Revolutions machines in the middle of the arcade before he indicated a bow.

You looked around the room. By now a good amount of visitors had stopped by as well which would give you quite an audience. For a moment you feared that someone from the Garrison might be amongst them and the rumours would only ever get worse again. Then again you tried to be brave and shrug it off. No one should make you miss out on having fun with your friends.

“Sure. But I suggest we all try against the winner from the previous match. The winner takes it all!”, you could see that Matt and Keith did not look too happy with that.

Still they agreed. There was nothing to lose after all.

“Except the last bit of self-respect...”, Matt muttered under his breath.

You and Lance made up the first round. Dance Dance Revolution was one of the games you knew how to play from afar but had never tried yourself. This could only end up in a disaster. And yet you were eager to try.

Lance chose a song of the lowest difficulty.

“I can't spend all my energy just yet if I am to go against all of you.”, he grinned and hit start.

The music started to play, almost immediately attracting the ones around you. A small crowd formed which amused you even more. After all, this could not be worse than a 360 in the flight-simulator.

As the first arrows appeared you lost all hope yet somehow you managed to hit them all. It must've looked hilarious as you two stepped on a pad with four arrows like madmen.

The duel ended with your loss yet by only a mere hundred points. Lance was panting as he held out his hand.

“I never thought I would break a sweat at this song! I am impressed!”, you took his hand and left the stage.

Hunk was up next, losing as well. Yet, as it was the same with you, he did not mind, nor did any of you. It was just fun. The crowd around you seemed to have the same spirit as they were cheering for everyone at the same time, clapping at the easiest step-sequences and gasping at the hardest. Not a single one of them gave off bad vibes or boo-ed.

No one of you stood a chance against Lance, not even Keith who put in a lot of effort while he and Lance were bickering over everything and everyone. It was comedy in perfection, making you laugh so hard your cheeks hurt. In the end, Lance won against all of you just as he predicted.

Pidge let out a sigh looking for yet another game to beat in order to get together the last fifty tickets. Lance came over to him and held out his hand with the tickets he just won.

“There you go.”

“But we said the winner takes it all. Which is you. And you don't want the NES.”, Pidge answered warmly and tried to push the hand away.

“I won and I want to give them to you so I could come over uninvited and play it as well.”, Lance grinned, his logic undefeated.

“B-But...”

“Nope. Don't ' _but'_ me. Let's get that thing.”, with his free hand he took hold of Pidge and the two of them went to get the desired console.

You watched them walk away, Pidge still trying to argue his way out of this without really wanting too and Lance knowing this too well.

“What a lively bunch of friends you have.”, Shiro stepped next to you and smiled.

You just nodded and fished something out of your pocket before you turned to him. You had to get this over with before your doubts would overwhelm you again. It was the little package you got for your first round of tickets earlier. First you held them up for him to see – which made him smile even wider – before you opened it and took out the contents.

They were band-aids.

“White cat or black cat?”, you asked.

“With me it's always the black cat.”, he answered tenderly, “Bad luck and everything.”

You put the band-aid with the white cat back into the box and started to open up the one with the black cat.

“You've never caused me any bad luck.”, you said as you applied it over his eyebrow, “And don't you forget, if we stick together, we cancel each other out while enhancing as well. We trick the fortunes.”

The small band-aid looked a little misplaced on him yet he seemed to take a certain pride in wearing it. You gave him the rest of the package, only keeping one of each for yourself.

The others started to gather outside of the arcade so you two started walking towards the exit as well.

“I haven't been here in ages... It was fun.”, Shiro said quietly, looking around the room.

“Me too. The last time was... six years ago? The wild days.”, you couldn't help but smile at the memory of you two sneaking into the arcade just to get caught by the staff a few minutes later.

“We should come here again and next time I will beat you at the Dancing machine.”, his eyes shone brightly, making you catch your breath.

“You have a long way to go until you can beat _me_!”, you playfully stuck out your tongue, making him snicker.

“Let's see about that... when I come back.”

By then you had reached the others who were discussing wether it was the right time to grab some lunch or if you should head back to the Garrison at once.

His last remark was meant as a joke, an encouragement. Yet you could not help yourself but rephrase it ever so slightly, changing its meaning completely.

 

_If you come back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to your chapter for this fine Monday! I hope you enjoyed a stay in the arcade as much as I did writing it - especially the scene with Lance and Pidge!
> 
> I am always eager to hear from you with whatever comments you wish to share with me. I can be found on  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/justhinothings)
> 
> Already the comments you left are just making my day 145% brighter - thank you so so much!!
> 
> There is also a [Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhyRr3fH5Dvlzt9AzQ3iWPGNiZXxkdZ8I). I really tried to capture the chapter with it!
> 
> That's it for today, I can't wait to read you again on friday!


	8. Desert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A perfect moment is what I planned,  
> one unlike any other.  
> I'd say exactly what I wanted,  
> but sadly this is just mental.  
> In the moment,  
> I can't make sense.  
> If I could, and if I would,  
> like a wave, and like a current,  
> I'd make the perfect moment.
> 
> (B. T.)  
> _____________________________________________________

The last thought you had back at the arcade never truly left you – on the contrary – with every passing day it nurtured a feeling of fear. It wasn't anything big in the beginning, but over the course of the upcoming weeks it would grow into something you could no longer ignore.

On the other hand did the walls between you and Shiro, that appeared after it became known that he would pilot the Kerberos-mission, slowly come down again. Or at least they did not intervene with your interactions anymore.

It all felt almost normal to sit and joke with him when you should be doing your assignments instead. The latter being no problem anymore since you caught the basic structure and could go from there on your own.

Still, whenever you came back to your room afterwards you realized that you should not take these moments for granted as he would be gone in only six months time.

This also meant that the amount of time you two would spend in one place was very short, compared to the time you were not.

Your heart ached whenever you thought about it like that, so you tried to focus on the things you still _could_ do together. He was here _now_  after all.

Nevertheless it was hard to really get to the point of spending time together outside of his schedule, which was even more packed now, as he had seemingly endless courses, evaluations and training-sessions in order to get fit and ready for his upcoming task.

You could only guess how demanding everything must be after he fell asleep in one of your sessions. With a heavy heart you suggested to discontinue the tutoring as it was really only for you two to spend time together.

“You could use this time to rest instead.”, you said, trying to ignore the uprising pain.

“That's what I am doing here.”, he looked away shyly, “You calm me. I don't have to pretend to be invincible with you. I can just be me and we can sit in silence and it's still awesome. I wouldn't want to miss that.”

Your heart was racing, his statement leaving you a little breathless. Still, you tried to remain collected and reason with him.

“But you need sleep as much as we mortals do. We could hang out on the weekends.”

There was a moment of silence, Shiro being deep in thought. You loved the face he made when he was thinking really hard. His brows furrowed his eyes skipped from one side to the other while he bit his lower lip. Sometimes he even stuck out his tongue a little.

With a loud exhale he stretched his arms and looked at you, “So this means we should take a nap together?”

You just looked at him, dumbstruck. Certainly he did not suggested this right now, your ears were clearly playing a trick on you, giving in into your own thoughts and wishes. There was no logical way he could come to this conclusion after all you've said.

“That would be the least productive thing we could do together.”, he continued, seemingly unaware of what his question might imply as well, glancing at you with an innocent smile.

Your thoughts were racing, trying to find a solution that would not end in a disaster or you to die from panic. Shiro obviously did not had anything else in mind but sleep. You realized that he had come up with the perfect solution to incorporate him getting rest and you two spending time together apart from the weekend.

There was nothing else behind this suggestion of his, so why could your mind not come to terms with it?

Of course you knew the answer and yet you felt frustrated with you incapability to remain composed at such a simple approach. All you wanted to do was to look at him with shining eyes and a big smile and say ' _yes, a hundred times, yes!'_ but of course that would be awkward and may reveal too much for your liking.

As you finished that thought you realized that he was still looking at you, patiently waiting for an answer, his head slightly tilted to the left. Nothing you could've said was as awkward as this silence right then.

You felt your cheeks turning red as you tried to figure out what to say – anything really – to just make this moment pass.

“I... I am not sure if there's a bed in here.”, your voice was shaking, “Besides, you would not get any rest at all if I was lying next to you, I move a lot in my sleep.”

At your response he just stood up and held out his hand for you to take. You automatically took it and got up as well, only to curse yourself as you did. Did you appear too eager to jump on whatever occasion this might be?

Still, you grabbed your bag and walked towards the door where he stopped and looked at you for a long moment.

“You did not say no...”, he said quietly and waited for you to take the lead.

He has always been like that. Never would it occur to him to walk over someone else if it wasn't necessary, as it could be the case on some missions. Even when you were younger did he wait for you to make up your mind on your own, never pushing anything on you even if he was excited and restless.

Just like he was now.

You looked at him and let out a sigh. There was no reason to refuse him after all.

“I will kick you if you snore.”, you said and grinned.

Shiro rolled his eyes, “ _If_ I snore.”

 

 

As you left the room and made your way to yours – simply because it was way closer than Shiro's – you passed a group of your peers. You were in a deep conversation spiced up by some bickering and weird faces which made you realize this factor too late.

Multiple heads turned as you passed them and you felt a chill running down your spine. There was no doubt that this would be held against you.

Only after you've closed the door to your room did you two realize that neither had let go of the others hand. As if you've been struck by lightning you let go at once and made a small step backwards.

“I did not notice...”, Shiro mumbled almost apologetically.

You waved it aside, playing cool despite your heart beating at a thousand miles per hour.

“I don't have the most luxurious bed you will ever sleep in, but for a short nap you should be fine.”, you said as you gestured towards the bed.

He just shook his head slightly before laying down. Almost immediately he closed his eyes.

“It's quite alright.”, he mumbled, “Will you come over?”

As tempting as it was you knew that you would not get a moment's rest anyway, “I have some reading to do. Don't worry, just rest a little.”

His breathing had become deeper which lead you to believe he had already fallen asleep. You grabbed your book and opened it when he heard him whisper.

“Are you going to be there... when I wake up?”

Something about his question, muttered in a state of being half-asleep, made you tear up a little.

You went over to your bed and carefully positioned yourself next to him.

“I am not going anywhere. Rest easy.”

He smiled.

 

 

Once Shiro had fallen asleep you tried to concentrate on your readings but this proved harder than you expected. He was so close and his face looked to peaceful and relaxed it made your heart wince. The amount of stress and pressure from everyone around him must be unbelievable exhausting.  
The way he looked as he slept there in your bed made him appear younger, his hair falling into his eyes, his mouth slightly opened. As if nothing could hurt him.

You could not help but feel calm for the first time in weeks. Seeing him to be able to relax so much in your presence, and maybe your presence alone, made you aware of how much he really meant to you.

Again you could feel your heart starting to race, your cheeks blushing. This time though, you did not mind as there was no one to see.

You touched his hair ever so lightly, stroking his head a little. It was even softer than you remembered.

Maybe this stunt here would cause some of your peers to spread another set of rumours and bad jokes. And maybe it would hurt once he left and you were alone with your feelings once more. Still, you were happy that Shiro was so persistent yet so innocent.

It would probably never occur to him that this suggestion of his could've been misread as well, endangering his status.

Or maybe he just didn't care about any of this.

 

 

It wasn't exactly easy to wake him at all, taking you a solid few minutes before he sat upright in your bed, rubbing his eyes.

“I am sorry. I just had to wake you. Your snoring was _awful_! And I never knew you talked in your sleep.”, you said, trying not to laugh,

He looked at you in disbelief, redness creeping up his cheeks as he slowly looked away. With a muffled groan he buried his face in his hands as if he had something to be deeply ashamed of. As heartbreaking as it was, you could not help but laugh which made him look at you with slitted eyes, realizing the joke you tried to pull on him at once.

He got hold of one of you cushions and threw it at you, making you laugh even harder as it hit you right in the face. Immediately he took the second one and threw that as well.

“S-Stop! I yield!”, you could hardly breathe.

Shiro crossed his arms and pouted at you, “What a mean joke to pull on the expense of your senior!”

Despite the sincere look on his face you knew that he was not really hurt. Still you had to play along and make up for what you've said.

“I am sorry... Would a cup of hot chocolate be an adequate peace-offering?”

He thought about it for a moment before he answered, “With marshmallows. Deal.”

 

 

You two arrived at the cafeteria a short while later, meeting the others in line for another round of delicious goo, before you all tried to crush yourselves together on a single table.

If there was even the slightest chance that your group would've gone unnoticed until now, it was definitely over with that by the way you quarrelled about how to arrange far too many people on one table. It ended with you being squished between Hunk and Pidge and Lance sitting almost on top of Keith who did not stop with his remarks, making everyone else snicker.

“Guys, I heard that the weather is supposed to be nice on Saturday so I thought we could attempt a desert-ride? Maybe find a hidden cave?”, Pidge took a map out of his pocket that looked older than any of you, “My dad gave me this and some areas are completely white. We could go on a real-life adventure!”

The idea seemed intriguing enough and for once there wasn't a lot of discussion going on wether you should head out or not. Even Keith had nothing to say against it which basically settled it.

 

 

Saturday came around and the whole group gathered at the central gates to check once again if all the supplies Pidge wanted you to take with you, were present. The main concern were water and food of course, but he also brought several compasses, binoculars and torches as well as some metres of rope.

Something about this amount of gear made your throat tighten but you tried to push it away as you settled on the hover-bike behind Shiro.

“Is everybody ready?”, you heard Matt over the intercom.

Everyone agreed in turn, Hunk sounding a little unsteady, his motion-sickness creeping up already. The poor guy was seated behind Lance who drove his bike the same way he piloted the shuttle – with a lot of turns and loops.

As your group left the base one by one, you once more noticed how beautiful nature was around the Garrison. The different shades of red and brown sand stood in high contrast to the blue sky.

Matt gave some infos about different types of rock, animals and some rare plants you might encounter on your trip as he lead your group up a slope. He sounded as excited as Pidge, making it obvious in more than one way that they were siblings.

Suddenly you remembered that Matt and his father were flying up as well, leaving Pidge here. You could only guess how hard that must be below all the thrill of it.

Without thinking you wrapped your arms tighter around Shiro's waist, resting your head on his back. Your chest hurt from the sheer thought of letting go of him in only a few month's time. Trying to push it away you listened to Matt who kept on talking seemingly without the need of breath.

“Are you alright? Do you need a break?”, Shiro asked over Matt's lecture, only for you to hear.

“I am... I am fine. Sorry to make you worry.”, there was nothing else you could've said despite the urge to just tell him everything.

Instead you inhaled a few times, shoving everything away and vowed to yourself that you would not let these feelings get the better of you when he was around. Or ever drag you down. He had enough to think about already.

“So far away from the Garrison it looks like we're somewhere on Mars.”, Shiro said and you imagined his eyes shining bright, “At least we can _pretend_ that we are out there... you know... together...”

You caught your breath at that.

Before you could answer, however, Matt gestured you to a halt right in front of a cave. You gathered around the map, everyone agreeing that you've made it out into the white parts. A broad grin appeared on the lips of Matt and Pidge as they started to get out some measuring devices to map the area and continue the map their father gave them.

It made you feel warm and fuzzy as you watched them, knowing too well that these moments would become the ones you would miss the most.

 

 

Your break was over almost instantly as Pidge approached you with a strange looking device and a torch, asking you to check out the cave right next to you with Lance, who looked very eager to finally get some action. With a loud exhale you got up and put the two devices into your bag.

“This gadget I gave you is simple to use. Just lay it on the floor and it measures the height, temperature, humidity and properties of the rocks. Thank you!”, hardly were the words out of his mouth when Pidge started running towards his brother again.

“Let's get going!”, Lance said at once and took you hand to drag you inside the cave, his keenness making you smile, “I will keep you safe, no matter what!”

It did not take long until you needed to pull out the torch, illuminating the corridor in a haunting light. After a few more metres you set the strange device onto the floor and pushed the only button it had. Almost instantly it lit up the whole room in a blueish colour, laser beam creeping over the walls and ceiling. This only took mere seconds before the device gave off a beep and turned dark again.

“Wow... That's some creepy stuff Pidge got us here.”, Lance said as he picked it up and put it in his pocket before you two continued your way onwards.

As eerie as this dark cave was, having someone as upbeat and bright as Lance by your side made it more than worthwhile and almost entertaining. He was chatting on about stories he heard back home as a kid about monsters and dragons living in caves, making you laugh with his impersonations of well-known characters.

Every now and then you would get out Pidge's gadget and let it do its weird work of science.

You've lost track of time when you bumped into a big room marking a dead end. It was huge, you could hardly make out the ceiling. Furthermore something gave off a weird aura, making your skin prickle. From the look on his face Lance felt it too, urging you to quickly get the data and leave at once.

The laser-beam went over the walls once more. For a brief moment you thought you could make out some ancient carvings but you where too tense to investigate any further.

Once the device went dark again you picked it up and started to make your way out of the cave in silence.

“You know, this made me realize that our time is limited.”, Lance said all of a sudden, making you look at him in surprise, “I don't know why but I got a strange feeling back there and it made me think – I don't even know how and why – that we should not wait for the perfect moment to come our way just to do or say something. Because maybe there _is_ no perfect moment but those we make it so. So maybe... you should...”

His voice trailed off as he shot you a glance. You knew what he wanted to say and it made your heart wince once more because you knew that he was right.

And yet...

“It's not my place at all and I should act up to what I say as well but... Looking at you these past days was hard. Because you try so vigorously to be strong and not make anyone worry but in those moments when you think no one's watching... It hurts.”

You stopped in your tracks and turned towards him, your heart heavy. Never would you have guessed that it was so obvious. Furthermore he was right, you tried your best to not make them worry or for you to be a burden to them. Still you had nothing to say despite your wish to just wave everything aside lightly. All of a sudden Lance came up to you and held you tight.

“Just remember that you are not alone anymore, okay?”, his voice was warm, making you tear up even more.

There was nothing you felt was enough to thank him, so you two just stood there for a long moment, holding each other, hoping he would understand what words could not express.

 

 

The sudden sunlight blinded you as you stumbled over your own feet, leaving the cave. Fortunately the sand caught you, making your fall not as hard. Lance tripped over your falling body himself, making you two laughing on the ground as the others shot you weird stares.

Pidge casually came up to you asking if you were okay and if you've found anything interesting. Lance and you just shrugged and handed him his gadget before getting over to the others who sat around eating some snacks as they were done with their own assignments.

“I suggest we head further North, the terrain should be rather plain there. Maybe there is a vast area of nothingness or something pretty neat!”, Matt explained over the map as he stuffed himself with a chocolate bar.

“We just have to pay attention to not stay out past curfew.”, Shiro mimed the voice of reason but his smile betrayed the sincerity of his tone

The others just rolled their eyes before you packed up your stuff and hoped onto the hover-bikes.

 

 

You stopped a couple of times whenever Matt or Pidge found something intriguing to investigate, giving you all the feeling of being real-life explorers and adventurers.

Around lunchtime you reached the plain Matt has spoken off earlier. It was very flat alright, surrounded by the mountainous ridge on one side. What he did not expect was the plain would stretch on farther than the eyes could see... and a small cabin all by itself.

“Who would build a cabin so far out?”, Hunk asked as you parked the bikes a few metres away.

“It doesn't look like anyone has been living here in quite a while.”, Pidge replied silently, “We should go and check it out.”

“Yeah... But let's keep our guard up.”, Matt added as your group moved towards the cabin.

It was a simple building, made up almost entirely of wood. The roof still looked good and all windows were intact. There was no sign of disturbance or any life at all, giving it almost the same eerie feeling you've gotten inside the cave earlier.

Keith was the bravest, walking up to the front door without stopping, knocking a few times, making all of you jump a little. There was no answer and the door swung open at his attempt to push down the handle. Hunk gave off a small squeaking noise before he jumped behind you, openly expressing what you felt as well.

Keith on the other hand just rolled his eyes and walked into the cabin. Moments passed, stretching on way too long before he casually walked through the front door again, giving you all a shrug.

“Whoever might have lived here left a long time ago. Physically I mean. No dead bodies here. There is just a lot of dust and sand everywhere.”, he explained sounding a little annoyed.

As if he had only waited for his cue, Matt ran past Keith into the cabin. All you could hear was him exclaiming how interesting this or fascinating that was. This was all it needed to release the tension that had built up inside of you. One after the other walked into the cabin, which was not too big overall but far bigger than it appeared on the outside. It had one big room with the remains of a couch and a cupboard, another one, a little smaller, with a single mattress and an adjoining bathroom.

“There's running water!”, Hunk exclaimed as he tried to turn on the shower.

“This is one of the strangest discoveries I have ever made.”, Matt mused as you all gathered in the room with the couch, “I need to find out who it belonged to!”

“It's a very nice cabin.”, Shiro – the man of little words – agreed, deep in thought.

There was a moment of silence, each of you basically thinking the same. It was Pidge who said it out loud first.

“We should spice it up and turn it into our hotspot. Like, an evil hideout but without the lab.”

“Don't you think the owner might come back one day? We can't simply take over someone else's house.”, to everyone's surprise it was Hunk who voiced concern.

“I don't think this is very likely. The amount of dirt and dust means that they have been gone for a while by now. It's so far out as well...”, Keith added, leaning at the door frame.

The discussion around wether or not you should take over a cabin somewhere out in the desert ended with a plan who would be responsible for what part of the renovation. It would take a few weeks to get everything over there and even longer to renovate and clean it so it could pass as a hideout at all.

Still, you liked the idea of having a place to hang out outside of the Garrison a lot.

You and Keith were responsible to gather the tools and some cushions and blankets.

The latter was your idea to make the couch more comfortable. Keith said nothing but groaned whenever someone talked about it as if it was a shame to even go near a shop selling those.

“Let's approach it like that: You search for the tools, I search for the soft stuff, you drive, I pay the dessert.”, you offered a few days later after combat-class.

It took him a few moments to come to terms with it but eventually he grinned and agreed to pick you up on Friday. He still tried to be cold and unapproachable yet he could hardly hide the fact that he enjoyed all of this a lot.

 

 

As you left your room on Friday to meet up with Keith at the gates, you were suddenly stopped by Tanja. Surprisingly she was alone which did not exactly calm you a lot, given the dark and evil glare in her eyes.

“Anything you need?”, you asked her, knowing all too well that nothing good would come from it.

She closed the distance between you too, your noses almost touching. She was as tall as you yet her whole posture reminded you of an angry cat, giving her a few more inches in height. Still, you tried your best to remain calm despite the rising urge to just run as fast as you can or scream from the top of your lungs.

This was not going to be pretty.

“Yes, there is in fact something I need from you.”, she hissed, poison dripping from ever word, “I need you to leave Shiro alone. He is  _mine_!”

This claim was ridiculous on so many levels. If her whole attitude wouldn't have been so hostile, giving the situation a very dark touch, you might've even been able to laugh it off.

“I am not sure I understand. I don't own him. No one does.”, you replied calmly, keeping your voice neutral, hoping she would just let go of you like she did the last time.

“Listen up, you little scam, he belongs to me and no one else.”, he finger drilled into your shoulder, making you wince inside.

“That is something between you and him, then.”, her way of thinking as she presented it to you scared you, “I fail to see where I come in.”

With a sudden movement she shoved you into the nearest wall as hard as she probably could, making you bite your lips at the impact. You tasted blood as you looked up to her, still trying your best to remain as calm as possible.

Yet if you were honest you were beyond frightened. Having her curse you and tell lies was one thing, but attacking you was something completely else. Maybe running was a good idea after all. Running and searching someone who would end this stupid quarrel between you two once and for all.

Again she walked up to you, evil grin on her face.

“The whole problem only started after you've arrived here. So making you go away is the only solution.”, he voice was pure ice, making you shiver.

“Tanja, I still don't understand. Just _talk_ to him. He does not belong to me like-”

“Then why are you two hanging out. All. The. Time?! Isn't Keith enough for you, you greedy girl?!”

Finally you understood. The whole issue was simply her raging jealousy towards you and your friendship with Shiro. But what should you do? Simply telling her that this was all there ever was – and probably ever will be – would certainly not help the situation. She wanted you to leave him alone completely so she could swoon him from afar or whatever her plan was.

“Let me put it in a way, even someone as stupid as you could understand.”, she continued, “Stay away from him or I will see to it.”

“That's just ridiculous. And you know that.”, despite knowing better you could not help but snap at her.

This was just too much. Too childish, too absurd. There was only so much you could take and Tanja had reached that point a while ago.

“He's a friend of mine as is Keith. There is nothing else. Just ask him out. I am not going to stand in your way.”

Tanja then did something that would haunt you in your dreams for months to come.

She laughed.  
She laughed in a way that made your blood run cold and your breath getting shallow. It was the type of laughter you hear in movies when someone is about to destroy everything you have ever loved.

As this thought crossed your mind you realized, maybe for the first time, that your time really _was_ running out, just as Lance had said. And maybe you should go ahead and rethink the decision to not come clean about what you wished for after all.

“You are really that naïve, are you?”, Tanja glared at you, still smiling, “The whole base thinks you are only here because you have a thing going on with Shiro. And Keith is who you go to for the perverted stuff. There is no other way they would swarm around you like bees.”

“What did you just say?”, you gaped at her.

She could insult you as much as she wanted to, but if she went as low as to spread rumours about your friends you would not let that stand. Still, you knew that she was not worth any of it and you might get into trouble if you would continue to head down that road.

But at that moment you really did not care.

“Keith is a perverted guy who may or may not have tainted Shiro as well...”, she looked at you expectantly.

That was when you knew that she tried to set you up. All she wanted was to provoke you so you would harm her or call her names and she could run to General Iverson or the headmaster and tell them right away, meaning you could lose the scholarship.

You would not do that, as much as you just wanted to.

Instead you smiled at her shyly, “Man... I never thought that would become common knowledge...”

Now it was her turn to just look at you, slitting her eyes as she realized that her plan had failed. For a brief moment you hoped that she would retreat now, but she still just stood there and looked at you.

“[Y/N], you should be careful what you say or whom you try to defy. It might lead to unknown consequences which might change everything you have ever known or loved. If you are capable of love that is.”, her voice was suddenly calm which was even scarier, “I will only tell you this once more. Stay away from Shiro or you will never see him again.”

“We will see.”, you sounded way braver than you really felt.

As Tanja finally turned and started to walk away, she stopped again, looking at you over her shoulder, “If I were you I'd finish your business with him. We don't want you to regret anything, once he's gone, now, do we?”

And with that she was gone, leaving you with a bleeding lip and a racing heart.

 

 

You reached Keith a couple of moments later, your lip still tainted with your blood. He immediately turned to you and made an awkward face, as if he was worried. Without thinking you told him about the encounter with Tanja, trying to make it sound less frightening.

Keith's posture and face told you that you did not succeeded on that one.

“Why didn't you call me? I would've made her run so fast...”, he sounded angry.

“I thought I had it under control. She never touched me before, let alone hurt me. And I was so scared... When she started to talk about you I almost lost it...”, you stared at your feet.

“Why did that make you so agitated?”

“Because no one is talking shit about my friends. And you are not like that at all. Maybe perverted, I wouldn't know, but you are not a bad person, Keith.”, finally you looked at him, “I care about you. And having someone like Tanja say such bad and untrue things about you just makes me angry.”

He just looked at you in surprise. It was obvious that he had not idea how to handle this sudden rush of affection you threw at him. It might've been weird but it felt good to finally say it out loud.

“You are one of the nicest people I have ever met. And I am very happy to have such a pretty boy kicking me around in combat-class.”, you smiled at him.

Keith was still silent, making you worry that you overdid it. Finally after a few moments you could see his cheeks blushing and his mouth trembling. Not the reaction you had hoped for but it was something. The sudden thought crossed your mind that you hurt him in any way.

“Keith I am sorry... I overdid it. Can we just forget I just said any of this and get going?”, you felt a rush of embarrassment.

“I just wish you would've called me.”, he said, looking at you with a sincere yet warm expression, “I am bad with words and actions... Basically with people. But only once I could've shown you that... Maybe we are friends. Good ones. Not best ones but really good ones. Like really really good”

You couldn't help yourself and laughed at his way of saying what you just said in a way only he could think of. It was so typically Keith.

“From now on, please promise me that you are going to call me whenever need be, ok?”, he held out his hand for you to take and seal the deal.

Ignoring it you gave him a hug, making him groan by yet another token of affection, before he held you as well.

Sometimes things really were that easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to your Friday indulgence! I hope you're fine and have a weekend ahead of you you can use to rest. :)
> 
> Writing this chapter was such a bittersweet thing, I cannot tell you how much I want Tanja to just... Argh! What do you think? And how do you like the small poems I have chosen at the beginning of each chapter so far?  
> Let me know in a comment or on
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/justhinothings)
> 
> There is of course the[Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhyRr3fH5Dvlzt9AzQ3iWPGNiZXxkdZ8I) I have just updated with one song.
> 
> Have a great weekend and I will read you on Monday!


	9. Circles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Waiting for my luck to change  
> Waiting for a sunny day 
> 
> Waiting for the time and place  
> in which the waiting wastes away. 
> 
> Waiting for it all to click  
> Waiting for it all to stick
> 
> Waiting for a happy ending  
> Waiting while my time is spending.
> 
> (leolewin)  
> __________________________________________________

“Shiro... Maybe this wasn't the best idea I've ever had...”, you touched his hair and stroked him for a while, “I feel really bad about this, if I'm honest.”

There was really no point in talking to him at the moment as he would not answer, yet you could not help yourself.

“Your schedule must be overloaded... and still...”

You let out a sigh as you looked out of the window. It was slowly getting dark, maybe it would rain. Rain would be really nice if you were honest. The air was so dry and the sand was basically everywhere. Breathing was a real chore.  
You looked back at Shiro who slept like a toddler, his head on your lap. How that came about you had no idea and you decided that you just did not wanted to know. His head was rather heavy which caused your legs to slowly lose all sense of feeling. Seeing him like that though made it worthwhile.

Maybe.

This one time he suggested to take a nap instead of acting as if you were really studying, was the beginning of you two dropping everything learning-related and spend the time as quality time instead. It wasn't hard to switch over, given the fact that he would leave and the workload became bearable after the first weeks. Of course you had a lot on your plate as well but somehow you managed.

Over the past months you began to spend more and more time together – either with or without the others – setting in some kind of routine.

He would just pop up some time after your classes ended and would stay until dinner or longer, if his schedule allowed him to. It reminded you of the time when you were kids, just talking, making up stories or discussing anything really. He was a clever guy which gave you a lot to talk about besides space and the Garrison. It was such a causal get together that you almost forgot that your heart was racing or your cheeks were blushing more than once.

After your encounter with Tanja you thought long and hard about wether you should tell him or not. There was a strange feeling that lingered since then, only getting stronger as the days went by and Shiro told you more and more about the mission itself, the training he went trough and also about the fact that there was a chance of failure.

Of course you knew all this but hearing him saying it out loud gave it a whole different dimension.

You slightly tried to shift your weight so you would not wake him up. That's what you should've done for the last few minutes but somehow you did not wanted to interrupt his peaceful slumber. It seemed that these few hours together were the only time he could let go and just  _be._ He looked so tired yet excited you could not help but have conflicting feelings about the whole situation.

Lightly you tucked a strand of hair away from his eyes.

That was when it hit you.

In only two weeks time he would be gone once more. There would be no contact whatsoever apart from pre-recorded messages and the ones sent by officials. You couldn't even text him. He would be _gone_.

Your throat tightened and you felt a rush of panic as you realized that you could no longer breathe normally. Did it hurt as much when he left for the Garrison?

Probably not.

Moments like this would become a memory which in turn would slowly fade away. How long would his warmth linger? How many days could you remember the stories he made up on the go – the strange faces he did as he told them?

Grasping for air you felt yourself tearing up all of a sudden as all the memories from the past months and the ones from way back flushed your mind like someone forgot to close a valve.

The cinema. The arcade. Him dropping the huge pile of paper the first time you met again. The movie. The fireworks. The fighting. The discussions. His voice. His laughter. His silence.

Your mind was in turmoil, your lungs still trying to inhale.

Lance was right when he said that there was no time to be lost and that you should seize the moment. He was such a goofball but a compassionate and tender one.

Over the past weeks your friends had nudged you time and again to just go ahead and tell him, ignoring your weak defences about Shiro leaving and making the whole friendship weird if he did not return your feelings.

The latter seemed to be no concern to them, which made you wonder where this security came from.

Even Tanja suggested that you finished your business to not regret anything. Of course she meant it in a different way but still... Why was everyone so determined to not waste a moment?

Looking down at Shiro with tears in your eyes you could not help it. Somehow you began to believe them.

“I always thought everything was so easy with you... But I guess, even such things change.”, you whispered, wiping away your tears, “I just don't know what to do with this information...”

Your watch was reminding you that dinner would be ready in half an hour. You ignored it, trying to organize your thoughts. There were so many things you had to think over and think about. This wasn't a romantic comedy where he would automatically love you because you so happen to be the female lead. Furthermore you have been friends for so long, maybe that was just part of it?

You shook your head.

There was no point in fooling anyone, least yourself. This was not pure friendship anymore.  
At least on your part.

Letting out a silent sigh you admitted that your thoughts have been running circles for months now, never getting anywhere. There were only two solutions, it appeared since going on like this seemed unbearable to you.

The first one was what Tanja wished for, that you would leave him alone after he would return. This might prove difficult since you both wanted to work at the Garrison but it would be manageable.

Despite your fear for her to find out that you two were basically sticking even closer together than at at the time she threatened you, you could not help but not wish for this road to go down. Maybe all of her words were just as empty as her personality?

That would only leave the second option. Telling him.

The thought alone made you blush. You had no idea how one confessed something that you could not even formulate inside your head. Something about just using the famous three words did not seem right to you. Or, to be more precise, it did not seem enough.  
And didn't this require a perfect setting?

Again, you heard Lance's voice, telling you that you should not wait for the perfect moment but make it so.

You cursed internally. Why was all of this so hard?

If you told him you could jeopardize your friendship and his career, since Tanja might had something up her sleeve which could harm him as well. Furthermore you could put him in a tight spot...

If you kept quiet on the other hand...

Again you looked at him.

Maybe only time could tell after all... Even if two weeks were all the time you had.

 

 

Hunk glared at Shiro with slitted eyes as if he could not believe what he'd just heard. Even Lance and Pidge were taken aback. Keith was the only one who did not say anything, maybe because he already knew.

“Are you serious? Why would your parents refuse to be at the launch? It's a huge deal not only for you but for all of mankind as well.”, Pidge almost sounded furious.

Shiro just smiled his little smile which did not reach his eyes. There was no doubt that he was hurt despite anticipating this. Still he refused to let anyone in, pretending he was fine as always.

“It's just too far away for them to see me for a few minutes.”, was all he said.

The whole group had gathered at the cabin which was by now almost completed. It looked nothing like the shabby shack it was months ago. All the cleaning and renovating – proving Hunk as a good architect – was shining through. Keith even survived buying all the cushions and blankets yet only after you had a pillow fight right there at the store, making the staff members chase you out so you had to drive to another one.

Matt and Pidge even made it possible for you to have a small oven and something that could pass as kitchen. With this, curfew would never again be an issue.

“Still... You're their son!”, Pidge tried again but from the look on Shiro's face he gathered that this was not the right thing to say, “I mean... Even our mom is flying here to tell Matt and dad goodbye.”

“It's fine. Really. They have their own schedules. I will be fine to walk up to that shuttle by myself, don't worry.”, his voice was calm and soothing almost as if Pidge was the one with slight family issues.

“But then there will be no one to wave you goodbye.”, Hunk said at once, shooting the older one a look, “And that's sad. To me. I would find it sad.”

There was a moment of stillness until everyone, except for Shiro himself, looked at you. It was eerie. At first you did not understand but when Lance smirked at you with a knowing glow in his eyes and Matt batted his eyelashes you couldn't help but blush.

“Are you okay?”, Shiro asked, oblivious to the whole situation, “Do you need something to drink?”

Everyone tried their best not to start laughing at his blindness.

“I am... okay.”, what else could you say?

You got up and helped yourself to a glass of water, hearing Lance and Keith talking in hushed voices, too low for you to understand. Maybe that was for the better.

As you stood there by the sink you thought this over. It wasn't prohibited that friends came to the launch site – each crew-member limited to two persons altogether – yet still you were not sure if this was your place. Everyone would see it.

On the other hand, letting Shiro leave earth for more than a year without anyone close to him to say a few words of encouragement seemed too brutal. After all a year was a long time, giving you enough time to come up with a plan to avoid an even bigger disaster than your last encounter with Tanja.

You came back and sat down next to Matt on the floor who leaned over to you.

“Just tell him already. I know you want to.”, his voice was friendly as was his gaze.

“Could you stop making evil plans without me? I thought I was supposed to be the anti-hero.”, Shiro said from across the room, grinning broadly.

Every time he smiled you felt a tow at your heart, making you realize how out of your league he was.  
Matt nudged you slightly, making you even more nervous.

“Would it be evil if I was the one to wave a tissue as you walk towards the shuttle?”, your voice was barely audible, despite everyone being quiet for once.

Now it was Shiro's turn to look at you flabbergasted before he blinked a few times.

The silence that followed was very uncomfortable for everyone present. Not even Lance knew something to say to just ease everything up again, meaning you had to sit and wait it out. This was the same kind of silence you feared when you thought about telling him about your feelings.

He would never say anything hurtful at all but would roll around all types of answers and solutions to find the one which would hurt you the least. Never the solution that wouldn't harm him but the one benefitting everyone else.

“I could even wear a cape... Because that would make it _really_ evil?”, you tried again, no real strength in your voice.

That was not what you intended, not at all. You should've gone with your gut and kept quiet after all.

As you were cursing yourself you heard Shiro starting to cough. Looking over to him you saw that he was trying not to laugh out loud but failing miserably.

Finally the tension started to vanish, everyone sighing in relief.

After he had finally calmed down Shiro looked at you with a real smile, “I would love to have you there. With or without cape, I am not picky.”

“Finally! Guys, this took way too long!”, Matt groaned acting as if he had to wait for his cue for an eternity, “Now we can discuss the important stuff.”

You looked at him in wonder as did the others.

“Don't act as if you don't know what I am talking about! We have to plan a party!”

“What for?”, as always, Keith did not seemed to be too keen about yet another social activity.

“Because, firstly, we have to inaugurate this cabin as our evil hideout officially and secondly, we have to celebrate that Shiro and myself are flying up further out than any other human being _ever_. I'd say that calls for a party alright!”

You thought about it. Matt was right. It would be really nice to come together to toast the two astronauts and to mark the renovation-works as completed. Scanning the room you realized how far you've come. Not only with this cabin but also in your own life. It felt weird that these wooden boards would spark something like nostalgia or the feeling of finally being on the right track.

You smirked at that thought.

Maybe you were slowly getting crazy?

Still, sharing all of this with people you cared for and who tried their best to support you – even in your most stubborn moments – was something you would've never imagined to happen to you.  
You looked over to Shiro who was talking to Matt and Hunk about something you could not hear over Keith and Pidge arguing.

He looked genuinely happy, all the stress, pressure and maybe fear had been washed away. His dark hair stood in all directions after someone had thrown a pillow at him, his eyes shone as if they were stars and his mouth was curled up. He laughed at something Keith had mumbled under his breath, making you catch yours.

There were so many things you loved about him being the way he was, it almost made your heart explode.

Into all this happiness crawled a tiny thought you immediately tried to get rid of. It made you shiver despite the warm air inside the cabin.

_You should force him to stay._

Trying to appear as calm as possible you rose and started to walk outside, saying something about catching some fresh air. You closed the door behind you, taking a deep breath in.

Such thoughts scared you as they were nothing you would really do, yet they appeared from time to time.

Sitting down on the front porch you looked up into the sky. Somewhere behind the clouds lay Kerberos. Too far away to see with the naked eye yet still there.

After a couple of minutes you heard the door being opened and closed again. It was Hunk who sat down next to you, looking up as well. You sat there for a rather long time. He did not come after you to pressure you in answering what made you leave or stay away, but to let you know that you had someone who would listen once you were ready.

“I am confused.”, you finally said, admitting that you were overwhelmed with everything around you, “I want him to be happy and go after his dreams, I really do. But then I do have thoughts that scare me because they seem to be not my own...”

Hunk did not reply immediately.

“There are things in life we only come to understand much much later. Humans are prone to make mistakes and only learn from them – _if_ they ever do – a long time afterwards. That's what we call regret. It's part of who we are.”, the words came out calmly as if he had thought about this for a while now, “And mostly we regret things we have no chance of changing or recreate. You may regret not going to see an artist you liked when you had the chance because he died a little while after that. Or you come to regret picking the wrong road to live your life. The latter is something you could change if you are brave. But the former is something you can do nothing about.”

He fell silent and looked at you knowingly.

There was no need for you to tell him how you felt as he seemed to know already. This calmed you in a strange way, making your heart finally return to it's natural rhythm, the bad thoughts to hide away again.

“[Y/N], what I mean to say is that there might not be a second chance to certain things. Life is not a recipe I could try and fail and try again. Of course, you are the only one who decides what feels right. But I can only advise you to go with your gut and see through it.”, he smiled at you warmly.

Hunk, as well as everyone else, was worried about you, you realized. Despite your best efforts they did not miss the fact that you were troubled. And they just waited for you to tell them.

A sudden thought made you giggle, leading Hunk to throw question marks at you.

“I am sorry I just thought... That I am way too proud and stubborn for my own good. Just as Shiro is.”, something about this being something you two had in common struck you as funny.

Hunk did not reply but shook his head, “I sometimes cannot believe how clever yet naïve you can be.”

Something told you that there was more behind these words than he let on, yet you did not wanted to ponder that. The rush of feeling lighter went by as fast as it came.

“Honestly I am just scared...”, your voice was calm again, “I don't want to lose him. I mean I do... In a way... But having such thoughts on forcing him to stay just really scare me. As if there's no right answer.”

You glanced over to your friend you looked at you with a calm expression, “Because there is no right answer. I cannot guarantee you that whatever you do will make you happy but what I can promise you is that everything is better than not knowing.”

“I know... I am just... frightened.”, you felt dumb to not be able to get out of your own way.

Hunk stood up, reaching out his hand for you to get up again. It was time to get back inside and plan the party after all. There wasn't much time left until launch and you were determined to enjoy the last days as much as you could.

As you walked back to the door, Hunk stopped shortly just before he pushed down the handle.

“Now you just have to decide what you want to be afraid of more.”

 

 

The last days before the party – taking place the day before launch, which was scheduled after lunch anyway – passed way too fast to your liking. You hardly saw Shiro at all who was by now forced to pack up his stuff and run some final tests. The few afternoons he made it over to your room consisted mainly of him not trying to fall asleep or him actually taking a nap. He tried to refuse ever time but you proved to be more stubborn than him.

You could tell that Shiro was uncomfortable to not be capable to stay awake. To show any kind of weakness.

“I am so sorry... I am fine. Today I am not that tired.”, he would say as he tried to suppress yet another yawn.

You let out a sigh, looking at him tenderly, “Don't. I am happy to see you at all. Just take a short nap, will you?”

He did not like it, “I am not coming here to sleep on your bed and waste your time. And before you ask, yes, your bed is more comfortable than mine. But you always wake me way too late!”

That was true. You just let him sleep for as long as possible since he seemed to dearly need any minute of sleep he could get.

He looked at you with a painful expression on his face, clearly being ashamed of being a human with the need for sleep.

“You are not wasting my time.”, you finally said, gently pushing him towards the bed.

Shiro did not believe you but said nothing more. Instead he gestured you to come over and lay down next to him for once. Something you were avoiding for the past weeks, always afraid to give too much away.

Trying to push that thought aside you complied, your heart hammering in your chest. He was just so close, you could feel the heat of his body as he smiled at you.

“I just feel I actually am.”

After a while you answered silently, “At least I am wasting it with you.”

 

 

The weather proved to be perfect for the party – something no one was too sure about as clouds lingered for the whole week. By the afternoon they finally dissolved showing off the bright blue sky.

It was the day before launch.

The moment you woke up you felt your heart tighten. Of course you knew that this day would come, you knew for six months. And yet it felt way too sudden, the time you've had and still had ahead of you way too short. Getting out of bed and ready for the final touches on the cabin was almost too much for you to bear.

_How pathetic you are!_

You phone showed some unread messages from Pidge and Lance, being all excited. Of course you were too, especially because Pidge calculated that there might be a few meteors visible tonight. But you could not ignore the strange feeling that was growing inside of you any longer.

You were scared of the launch tomorrow. Something told you that something was off yet you could not put it down.

Was it because you still haven't said a thing?

That may be a part of it but there was more, your gut was trying to tell you.

Getting ready to leave the room took you way longer than you planned, making you bump into Keith as you went out the door.

“There you are. I thought I had to rescue you yet once again!”, a crooked smile appeared on his lips.

Something about his statement and your lingering inner turmoil made you tear up a bit. It seemed so long ago since you started your training here, even it wasn't even a whole year.

Where did the time go?

Keith registered the change in your mood immediately yet he did not ask any questions, “I never thought tomorrow would really come by so fast. I can't believe Shiro is leaving us for a moon covered in ice.”

You two had started to walk towards the gates where everyone was waiting to finally get going. The few students you passed shot you weird glances as they always did. By now you just noticed them yet it did not hurt you anymore.

“It's a year. A lot can happen in a year.”, you said, sounding way too scared even to your own liking.

Keith thought a while before he answered, “That might be true. But that also means all the more to tell each other later on.”

He was right, you knew it.

As you met up with the others you felt not exactly great but good enough to push the dark clouds away. You wanted this last night to be happy after all.

 

 

“It looks...”, Pidge said hesitantly not knowing how to end this sentence.

“AMAZING?!”, Lance offered obviously very proud of his work.

The whole group stood a few feet away from the cabin which was decorated with way too many fairy lights and colourful banners. The inside looked almost as bad, but you had to admit that it had something unique to it. It reminded you of your friends in their strange yet lovely ways.

“I like it.”, you said, making Lance jubilate.

“Next time I will take care of the decorations...”, Pidge murmured as he went inside, checking if everything was in place.

By now you just had to wait for the sun to finally set and to turn on the lights. The sky was already painted in all shades of red slowly drowned out by violet and ultimately black. It was a beautiful thing to watch, happening rather fast.

“This is your last sunset for over a year, isn't it?”, Hunk asked Shiro who looked up at the sky longingly.

“You are right... I've not thought about that yet...”, the others looked at him with mixed expressions, “There is so much I won't see in a long time I guess.”

His gaze went over the dessert, the cabin, his friends and – lingering a bit too long – you. Again you could feel your pulse race and your breath to quicken. For once you did not try to calm down or force your thoughts into a different direction.

_It's now or never._

 

 

The sun went down rather quickly making you all cheer as the lights came on and the music started to play. Hunk had put together an even worse playlist than for your last get-together and it was the best idea ever. You were dancing with Lane again who was undeniably happy to have even more room to throw you around now. He was amazed by your flexibility and capability to react in a split-second even if you had no idea what he was planning.

“How do you do that?! Can you teach me?”, he asked eagerly between two songs.

You laughed, “Lance, I am not doing anything, really. I just trust you.”

This made him blush a good amount and speechless for quite a while. It took Pidge to drag him to the dance floor and away from you for him to snap out of it. To have him be so flustered by such a simple statement of yours made you really happy. As you helped yourself to some snacks you looked around the room. Everyone was here and having a good time, just enjoying each other's company.

“Never thought I'd say this but... I enjoy this.”, Keith stopped next to you, a glass of orange juice in his hand.

“I never thought I would make so many wonderful memories at all.”, you looked up to him, smiling, “I am glad I walked up to you.”

“Me too.”, there he was, back at his usual way of not say more than necessary yet charming in his own ways.

You two just stood there, listening to the music and watching the others goofing around. Hunk and Matt were trying to stack different blocks higher and higher while Pidge was clearly just waiting to make a move to make the whole thing collapse. Lance was resting on the couch, already half asleep.

That was when you noticed that Shiro was nowhere to be seen.

“Outside.”

“How do you always know that I am looking for him?”, you asked, “It was the same at the initiation-ceremony.”

“It's painted all over your face.”, he deadpanned, making you nervous, “No. He doesn't notice. He never does.”

“Are you a mind-reader?!”, your eyes grew big.

“Maybe. And yes, I want to dance with you.”

“That's not what I was thinking... Wait... Or, was I..?”

Keith just shook his head, placed his glass on the counter and held out his hand. You took it with a shy smile. He lead you to the centre of the room and bowed, making you giggle. In turn you curtsied and flicked back your hair. He took you by the hips and started to whirl you around, while lifting you into the air as if you were nothing.

After he let you down again he took your hand and spun you back and forth knowing exactly what he was doing.

After the song ended he bowed again before hugging you tight.

“Now you should talk to him. I bet he is waiting.”, his voice was barley more than a whisper his gaze sincere and warm.

“Wha- why..?”, you started but he said nothing, only playfully pushing you towards the door.

With a tiny moan you walked outside and almost bumped into Shiro who was looking up into the sky. You followed his gaze and let out a gasp.

There were no clouds to bee seen, the blackness of the endless sky was dotted with hundreds of thousands of stars, big and small. You felt so small all of a sudden yet so blessed to be below such a mesmerizing scenery.

In the corner of your eye you saw something move across the sky and you turned your head. It was as Pidge predicted – a small meteor-shower!

Your mouth agape you walked down the porch and a few metres away from the cabin, whirling across the sand until you stumbled over your own feet and feel flat on your back.

Fast steps approaching you reminded you that you were not alone out there.

“Are you okay?”, Shiro could hardly prevent the corners of his mouth to curl up.

You sat up, shaking your head to get rid of the sand, “I am. I was just so taken in by the sky... I have never seen it like that.”

Shiro sat down next to you, your shoulders touching.

“I still cannot wrap my head around the idea that I will be _out there_ by tomorrow. It seems so surreal to me.”

You let your head sink on his shoulder, taking in his familiar scent. There was nothing you wished for more than you just stop time at that moment. You were not ready yet for him to leave. There were tears pricking your eyes yet you refused to let them fall. After all there was nothing to be sad about.

“There is so much I wanted to do before I leave.”, his voice was calm, “I really wanted to spend more time with all of you. I wanted to go to the simulator with you. I wanted to sneak onto the rooftop and just watch the stars...”

He fell quiet. You inched closer to him. It was rather cold by now with the sun gone for a while and a light wind to blow over the plain.

In silence you watched the sky, the meteors falling one by one.

This would be the perfect moment yet you could not get yourself to get out of your way.

After a while Shiro moved away a little to search his pockets, making you raise your eyebrows.

“You remember when we went to the arcade? You got me these band-aids-”

“Please don't remind me...”, you hid your face in your hands in embarrassment.

He did not respond to this, “I thought I should get you something as well but I am r _eally_ bad with all of those games so I had to re-evaluate my idea. And if I think about it now I don't know if I actually like it.”

You looked at him, his face slightly red.

“It can't be worse than band-aids.”, there was nothing he could get you you would not like.

With a defeated exhale he held out his hand. In it was a small shiny dark stone. It took you a moment to realize what it was. You just gaped at him, your hands clenching each other at your heart.

“Is it... that bad?”, he asked shyly, not able to read your expression.

“This is...”, you stumbled over your own words.

“Not much. I know.”

“It's a meteorite, isn't it? It's basically a part of a star you're holding in your hand. How is that not much?”, finally you were able to talk and give your excitement a voice.

Carefully you took the small stone out of his hand and into your own. It was cold against your skin, shining in the faint light of the stars and the cabin. Your heart was all over the place, your mind racing. This was such a wonderful and thoughtful gift. You had no words for letting him know how much this meant to you.

“I love it.”, you mumbled, looking him straight in the eye.

 _How about_ now?!

Shiro let out a sigh of relief, “I am glad. I thought it wasn't going to meet your standards...”

You shook your head, “I will keep this close. Thank you.”

There was another silence between you two. Another possible moment.

And you let it pass again.

The stars moved slowly across the sky, taking the last moments you had with each other with them. There would be no time to tell him before he leaves. Not another possibility to let him know how scared you were about tomorrow. And still your tongue was heavy and your thoughts running circles.

What could you say to let him know how you felt?

As it was time to get back inside and check if everyone was still alive and breathing, he pulled you into a tight embrace.

“I will miss you.”, his voice was hoarse against your hair.

You felt the tears finally falling, your words getting caught in your throat, “I will... wait for you...”

As if the stars heard you, one last shooting-star flew across the sky.

_Be careful what you wish for._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How is it Monday again?!  
> Time surely flies... Anyway, I welcome you at the end of the second-to-last chapter as the final one (11) will only be a small epilogue to tie everything together. Both is coming for you on Friday - Are you excited? I am because it means we're very close to the end of Part 1!
> 
> I want to thank you all for reading and for those amazing comments - I am reading them all and they make me blush way too hard! Thank you for taking the time to stop by!
> 
> If there is anything you want me to know or work on, tell me in a comment or write me on  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/justhinothings)  
> I love to hear from you!
> 
> Here is the[ Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhyRr3fH5Dvlzt9AzQ3iWPGNiZXxkdZ8I). I highly recommend it for the last chapters on Friday - I will update it with the final songs right before the upload!
> 
> With this I take my leave, have a great week!


	10. Godspeed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In visions of the dark night  
> I have dreamed of joy departed—  
> But a waking dream of life and light  
> Hath left me broken-hearted.
> 
> (Edgar Allan Poe)  
> ________________________________________

_The room was pitch-black. Stretching out your arms revealed nothing close to you, no walls, no objects – nothing. Still, the feeling of being trapped lingered on, even after you tried your luck and made a few small steps forward. The floor was even, again, nothing obstructed your movements._

_All of a sudden you realized that you made no sounds at all. You jumped up and down, stomped a few times and even tried to scream but there was nothing to be heard._

_A shiver ran down your spine. Something was clearly wrong here. Still you tried to calm yourself, to breathe normally and to not let your thoughts run wild. The air around you was cool and left a weird taste in your mouth. As if you were standing in an old building which has not been disturbed over a very long time. Maybe like an attic or an old basement._

_Did someone kidnapped you and locked you in somewhere?_

_You tried to remember the last things you did before going to sleep last night. It scared you that there was nothing that came to your mind. As if someone had erased all your memories as well._

_Since you still tried your best to keep calm you tried to remember other things instead. Your favourite food and where you were born. Those were things you had no difficulties to picture._

_You tried again to remember last night after you went back inside the cabin to celebrate with your friends. But celebrate what again?_

_There was a sudden noise behind you, making you turn around as fast as you dared, given the fact that you were still blind. It sounded like a very big object has been dropped to the floor with a lot of force. Your breathing was out of control by now, making you afraid to hyperventilate. If you were not able to make any sounds at all, why was something else capable of it?_

_Nothing was to be seen or heard after the initial sound, making you take a few steps into the direction of the impact._

_What else could you do?_

_You walked and walked and walked yet you did not hit anything, which made you slowly question your sanity. Yet you kept on walking as there was nothing else you could do in the dark._

_After what felt like an eternity you heard another sound like an old cinematograph suddenly set in motion. You stopped in your tracks and waited, not believing anything to happen._

_You were taken aback when you saw a screen lightning up, finally brightening the seemingly endless dark – even if it was only a small square hovering amidst a sea of black._

_The screen remained white for a long time, giving you a chance to look at yourself. You were still you in the same stupid uniform the Garrison provided with the same fragile hands and the same coloured shoe-laces._

_Relief flooded through you. Somehow you had feared that something had turned you not only blind but also into a weird looking monster._

_You looked up at the screen which showed a date and time by now. There was no doubt in your mind that you knew exactly what you were about to see, still, you took a few steps closer, standing right next to the cinematograph. The pictures that followed – some simple photographs and some small clips – showed you as a child, maybe ten years old. That was when you were still living in your hometown with your foster-family and things were a lot easier._

_You saw yourself running up and down a hill, swinging from a tree and, most of all, you saw yourself smiling and simply enjoying yourself._

_The images made you smile wearily as you felt something was amiss there, making your heart ache. You watched as you grew older, going to a movie theatre to watch a movie where the first scene almost chased you out. There were moments in a café where you sat in front of a huge ice-cream-bowl with gigantic eyes, ready to finish it up. The movie kept on going while your heart became heavier and heavier, without the slightest hint for you to know why. Something was not right._

_The film reel went on and on until a scene in the rain where you just stood there and cried. There was no indication of what had happened until another date and time flashed across the screen._

_The realization of what you were seeing hit you like someone had punched you with all their might right into your underbelly. This was the day Shiro left for the Garrison three years ago. You've said your good-byes the day before, beaming at him and encouraging him that he will be great. Of course it was raining the next day as you watched the car leave from the top of the hill behind his house. This was the first time you let yourself cry openly because of his absence. A lot of nights would be wasted on this numbing feeling – the pain was just too much to bear. And still you would have never kept him in a golden cage. He was just too big and ambitious and blazing to be tamed._

_It would just be egoistic to keep him away from his dreams. Yet you remembered that you wished to at least have told him about your struggles to come to terms with it._

_Re-living this dark day made your chest hurt again as you understood two things at once. The first thing was that he was absent from all the pictures and clips you just saw as if he had never existed. It made your heart sink. A life without him seemed to be just too much.  
The second thing was that you finally caught up with the reality of your situation. Shiro was about to leave earth for over a year. There would be no communication – something you could at least cling to as you made your way through school until you would join him at the Garrison again. He would be so far out, no one knew if the strongest communication devices earth had developed would be enough to reach them._

_The cinematograph stopped, leaving you with a white screen and pure agony taking over. There was this feeling again that had become stronger over the past weeks. Something about the whole mission made you uneasy and it wasn't just your fear of regretting either telling or not telling him._

_You could feel it deep within you that this was not going to go as planned. Yet what evidence could you present?_

_There was another sound of something screeching across the floor. You turned to your right where you saw the dark being divided by a crack of light, slowly getting bigger as if someone was sliding open a door. The sudden sunlight was blinding you as you stumbled over to get a closer look to what may lay behind the dark. As your eyes adjusted to the light you couldn't help but gasp._

_You stood in front of the shuttle that would get Shiro, Matt and his dad up to Kerberos. You could see a lot of people cheering far off and something being said over speakers yet you could not make out the exact words. There was a movement along the gangway that lead to the shuttle, which made you start to run towards it._

_But you knew._

_It was futile, you were simply not fast enough._

_Screaming from the top of your lungs you could only watch the three of them board the shuttle, which almost immediately ignited the engines. You stopped dead in your tracks, feeling helpless._

_The shuttle lifted off, the people cheering even louder now. It went up higher and higher before something at the boosters detonated, engulfing the whole shuttle in flames within seconds._

_The crowd became silent and then burst into loud cries as you all watched the shuttle falling back to earth, crashing into a mountain not too far off from the base. You saw black smoke rising into the air as you fell to your knees, not able to comprehend what you just saw._

_Maybe this wasn't the shuttle going to Kerberos, maybe it was something else?_

_You couldn't even fool yourself._

_Another explosion was being heard, coming from the crashed shuttle, confirming your worst nightmares._

_There was no chance anyone would've survived this._

_He was gone._

_Shiro was gone._

_The reality of it pulled you down into a bottomless pit before everything turned black._

 

 

_You opened your eyes and saw that Lance and Hunk were looking at you with worry in their eyes. It took them a few seconds until they felt you were with them again._

“ _Are you alright? You look terrible...”, Pidge said between two spoons of his pudding._

“ _Maybe you should sleep a bit more instead of learning.”, Hunk offered, “You just slept through all of lunch, making weird noises.”_

_As he said that the images of your dream came back to you, making your heart clench. Something about it felt just too real. You were not able to shake the lingering feeling of uneasiness. There was no way you would believe in seeing into the future but having a weird feeling without a real reason struck you as odd. Shaking your head you looked up at your friends._

“ _It was just a strange dream. Shiro boarded the shuttle and it exploded before it even reached space. Not my favourite kind of dream, to be honest.”, you were trying to sound upbeat._

_No one answered and you were slightly surprised to see them looking at you as if you had just spoken gibberish._

“ _Did I say something funny?”, their stares made you uncomfortable._

“ _Not exactly...”, Pidge muttered, looking over to the other two, all three of them with helpless expressions on their faces._

_Was there something they were trying to hide from you?_

_You were thinking hard, trying to figure out what might be amiss here. Could it be that you had forgotten something? Has the mission been re-scheduled? Was there a fight at the party yesterday?_

_Nothing of this made any sense to you, the ongoing silence only making the whole situation even weirder._

“ _I am sorry guys, but what did I do wrong?”, you tried again on the verge of panic now._

_This was not how any of them behaved normally._

_Again they looked at each other as if to decide who would confront you with the unwelcoming truth. By now you were honestly a little scared._

“ _Just... Tell me. Whatever it is.”, you pleaded._

_Lance just let out a sigh as he looked at you apologetically, “I know these past days have been stressful but I think I am speaking for all of as when I say that we are worried about you.”_

_This made absolutely no sense. What could he refer to?_

_The look on your face must've been one of utter confusion as he gestured helplessly at himself and the other two._

“ _I mean, I don't want to say you're crazy but...”, his voice trailed of._

“ _But what, Lance?”, something told you that this whole get-together was not how it normally went._

_You looked around the room and inhaled sharply. Apart from you four the room was completely empty, not a single student was to be seen. Looking out of the window you saw nothing but white._

_There was no way that there was a rational explanation for this. Your heart was beating faster by now as you looked back at your friends and cried out loud._

_They were melting as if they were made of wax, their features dripping onto the floor. They did not seemed to notice though as they continued to move as if they were eating. Pidge's hand fell right into his bowl.  
You shot up to standing and took a few steps back. They did not react in the slightest. You turned around to run when you heard Lance's voice – way deeper and distorted – just as you reached the door, prying it open._

“ _Who is Shiro?”_

 

 

You woke up with a scream on your lips and tears on your cheeks. Sitting up you tried to muffle the cries with your blanket, not able to calm down for a while. With ragging breaths you looked at your watch. Your alarm would have gone off in two hours which made you stand up and walking over to your window, parting the curtains. Your hands were shaking violently, your feet barely able to keep you in an upright position. You were scared yet you needed to know.  
There was the familiar desert-landscape, the sun casually rising behind the mountains. Despite the relief you felt you could neither shake the pictures nor the feelings which were still lingering on. You let the curtain fall back into place and sat back on your bed. Going back to sleep was out of the question you were just too scared to return to the horrifying dreamscape.

The nauseous feeling was only getting stronger, making you wish for someone to just _be_ there. Without a real thought you grabbed your phone and started to write a message when you stopped yourself. Why would you wake your friends just because you had a weird dream? Interestingly even to yourself was the fact that you spend even more time pondering who you would ask to come over.

Letting out a sigh you stared at the screen without really seeing anything.

Your head hurt from the innumerable thoughts passing, running circles and crashing into each other. Your heart was not better off at all, making you wince as if you were in pain. Crouching into a small ball, hoping to make all of this go away you tried to form at least one coherent train of thought. Starting with the fact that it was not long before sunrise, and slowly working from there. This helped to calm your breath and beating heart at least as much so you no longer feared you would choke on your own sobs.

Just as you started to feel almost normal – in pain but not as if you were underwater – the whole room started to spin, making you cry out loud.

Maybe you were just a ball of pain and agony but... would your friends mind?

You still had no idea wether you should call for help, even though you were not sure if you could explain yourself or if you should just wait until the alarm went off and you could get up and on with your day as if nothing had happened. You grabbed your phone once more, flicking through the messages of the past weeks. Re-reading them almost made you chuckle a little as you recalled the funny situations they referred to. But whenever these thoughts crossed your mind your heart gave off a sharp pain as if it was trying to call your attention to your dream and what it might have meant. After a few minutes you gave up and let the phone fall onto the floor, laying on your back.

There was this feeling of the whole world spinning around you, faster and faster with each passing moment as if it was trying to swallow you up.  
There was the feeling of wanting to cry and drown in your own tears – anything to escape this pain.

There was a feeling of wishing to just run away and chase after the brighter days.

Still, you knew that there was nothing you could do about it.

“It was just a dream.”, you whispered into the dark.

You never had a vivid dream like that one before and something about it scared you. Of course you knew what a nightmare was – you were not immune to those after all – but this was just _too_ real. Furthermore, the timing and contents of these dreams was just fitting too perfectly.

Even in your confused state you realized that the only rational explanation for this was that there was more for you to think about and come to terms with than you wanted to see.

You turned around, laying on your belly, hiding your face in your pillow. Carefully you started to trace the images of your dream one by one, not wanting the pain to get the better of you once again.

It still hit you with an unexpected force.

Groaning you felt a sharp pain in your lips as you realized that you had bitten down too hard.

This was just ridiculous. With a sudden movement you sat up, regretting it almost instantly as the nauseous feeling took over. Yet you refused to give in and forced your thoughts through the thick fog.

Things Lance and Hunk had said to you about seizing the moment and regretting things that no one could change came to mind as you let your gaze wander through your room.

You remembered the remorse you felt after Shiro had left for the Garrison which resurfaced in your dream. This was a feeling you would never want to feel again.

That was when you understood.

It almost made you laugh out loud yet cry at the same time. You were in love with your best friend. You have been for quite some time, maybe going all the way back to middle school. Yet you refused to see or try to comprehend it at all for real. You were just a coward.

Hiding your face in your hands to catch the tears that had started to fall again another thought came to mind.  
  


What if he loved you too?  
  


You thought about his actions and words, things he said while blushing or looking away, reactions to things someone else had said, like Matt back at the café. Why did he called you Shiro's girlfriend after seeing you for the first time?

Looking up you stared blankly into the void.

Who told Shiro about the tutoring if he was too busy with his own schedule to even realize such a program was put into place? Why would he organize such a nice outing at New Year's for only the two of you?

If you took all of this into consideration and added the things Lance, Hunk and Pidge had said and done you couldn't help yourself but curse yourself under your breath.

“They knew... From the start... Everyone knew...”, you giggled with a weird feeling in your chest.

Letting yourself fall flat on your back you closed your eyes. You felt lighter despite the pain and fear still lingering. Maybe even more so, you felt stupid for taking so long to come to terms with yourself. Telling him didn't seemed so scary anymore compared to the remorse you might feel if you kept going without saying a single thing. Even if he did not return your feelings you two would work it out somehow.

Another groan escaped you as you went on to scold yourself for being so blind and naïve and a coward. If you felt like an idiot just after realizing it a few minutes earlier, how must your friends feel, watching your for months, trying their best to cheer you on and finally make a move? An apology was the least you could offer them. You looked at your watch again, being amazed that your tossing and turning had eaten up almost two hours after all.

As if someone had waited for the cue you heard a faint knock on your door, making you literally jump to your feet. You opened the door without thinking just to be hugged instantly by Pidge.

“Is everything alright?”, you asked alarmed as he never showed up unannounced before.

“Yeah... I just couldn't sleep any longer and I didn't know where to go... Did I wake you?”, he looked at you with big eyes and an anxious look on his face.

“No, I am awake for a while now...”, you shook your head as he came in and sat down on your bed.

You sat down next to him and you both silently enjoyed each others company for a while.

“I was so excited for the start of the mission today. It's such a great advancement and my brother and father are a part of it..! And yet I can't shake this uneasy feeling...”, he looked at you, “[Y/N], I am scared.”

Of course he was. No matter how amazing the whole Kerberos-Mission was, it was an enormous risk the three astronauts were taking here. For Pidge it meant to see two of his family-members off and gone for over a year on a mission with unknown risks and consequences.

“Telling you that everything will be alright and nothing could go wrong would only be a pretty lie, would't it?”, you answered silently, “I could tell you that but we both know that it would not help. Pidge, I wish I knew what I could say or do to calm you down but... I don't even know how to maintain serenity myself... I am sorry...”

He looked you over, apparently seeing what state you were in for the first time. His eyes grew even bigger behind his glasses. Pidge mouthed a question about how you were feeling which lead you to shrug. Honestly you did not know.

“I want to be happy and buzzing with excitement, yet I can't really find this in me. I feel like such a bad person.”, you looked at your window, the curtains being lit up by the rising sun.

“You are not. I feel similar. I think it's only natural.”, Pidge followed your gaze, “So, you found your answer?”

It took you a moment to understand what he referred to. Hunk must've told him about the conversation you had back at the cabin. Letting out a sigh you made a mental note to apologize as soon as you could, while thanking them as well.

After a moment you told Pidge everything about the dream you had and the thoughts it had sparked. He remained silent for quite some time, thinking over what you just said.

Finally he let out a sigh, “Took you long enough... You gonna tell him today?”

You felt yourself blushing at the thought. Still your voice remained firm as you answered him that you would give it a shot.

“It might be the least perfect situation but I can't change that now, can I?”, you stuck out your tongue, “Beggars can't be choosers after all.”

Pidge just shook his head slightly yet he remained silent until it was time for you to head out to grab some breakfast and meet up with the others.

You left the room without looking back, ignoring your phone flashing the unread message symbol.

 

 

Hunk and Lance jubilated as you told them about your dream and realization afterwards as of you just told them you won a gold medal. It was cute to watch yet made you feel like a child.

“I guess I also owe you three an apology... You knew and you tried everything to push me in the right direction yet I was too blind... I am sorry.”, you bowed over your empty bowl before looking at each of them in turn.

There was no trace of them trying to make fun of you for it or ask for anything in return. On the contrary, they seemed flattered that you appreciated their clumsy help. Of course they would not turn this against you, they were simply too kind-hearted. The discussion quickly went on to the mission itself and were you would meet up to watch the launch together after you and Pidge said your good-byes to Shiro, Matt and Mr. Holt in an assigned room close to the gangway.

“I still cannot believe how fast these past six months had went by. It feels like yesterday when [Y/N] rescued me from poisoning myself with weird goo!”, Lance's voice vibrated with a hint of nostalgia.

“Soon after launch we will be getting crazy over our end-term-finals. It's been almost a whole year!”, Hunk chimed in.

You and Pidge stayed silent, just looking at each other with nervous eyes. There was nothing that could calm this part of you that still ached after the dream and the reality of the shuttle lifting off in a few hours.

There was no chance to talk to Shiro before that, as he was busy getting his last possessions stored away and himself checked up and ready. All you had left was the very limited time just before lift-off.

The weather was perfect to launch a shuttle into the air, the sky blazing blue, no wind, no clouds. The systems have been checked time and again, only the best scientists and engineers had worked on the shuttle. Nothing was too expensive to secure the safety of the crew-members.

And yet you could not shake this feeling that clinched to you like glue. From the look on his face, Pidge felt similar.

Noticing your distress Lance seemed to search for something to say but failing as was Hunk. Watching them struggle to even lift your spirits the tiniest bit made you smile wearily before you got up and went ahead to grab another cup of tea.

As you stood in line a girl approached you. You recognized her as you had a few classes together yet the name escaped you. She held out a folded piece of paper, telling you that a ' _pretty boy_ ' had given this to her so she could forward it to you.

You raised an eyebrow as you took the paper and asked yourself why Keith did not came up to you himself as this never seemed to be a problem for him. After you thanked her you went ahead and got your tea before returning to your table.

As you sat down and told the others what just happened you felt a ripple of annoyance going through all of you. This whole day was only a few hours old and yet it was already too confusing to be considered funny or even normal.

Unfolding the paper your confusion only grew bigger as you read the barely legible sentences.

_Meet me at the training-room in an hour. It's important._

You looked up at your friends who looked as confused as you felt. Where you still dreaming?

“This makes no sense. I mean, Keith is a loner but he never had a problem to come up and straight-forwardly tell you what was going on.”, Lance said with furrowed brows.

“I have to agree with Lance on that one. Something seems fishy here.”, Hunk agreed.

You felt the same yet you could not tell why this was making you so uncomfortable. Maybe something had happened to him which prohibited him from talking to you? A sudden thought crossed your mind, making you nauseous all over again.

“What... what if someone hurt him?”, you asked silently.

Of course you had someone in mind but you did not dare to say it out loud. False accusations would lead nowhere. Yet ,what should you do?  
The paper read that you should be there in one hour, leaving you with one hour after that before you had to meet up with Shiro. You had maybe half an hour together – if they were generous.

This meant you had enough time to hopefully figure out who was playing weird games here. Still, what if this was just a sick joke, trying to throw you off?

Letting out a sigh you felt heavy. Such games were tiring and were annoying you by now. Of course you could simply ignore the message but what if it was genuine?

“I would go there with you but I have to store away some of Matt's stuff and Hunk was kind enough to help me out...”, Pidge said apologetically.

Before Lance could say anything you shook your head, “It's fine. I think I should go there myself. Nothing bad will happen to me.”

“I don't think this to be a wise decision. Let me go with you.”, Lance said, his eyes begging you.

You gave it another though before giving in.

 

 

After you finished up your breakfast and decided where to meet up to watch the launch, you and Lance went ahead to the training-room to find out who wrote that mysterious note. Neither of you was able to wrap their heads around it.

“Keith might be strange and a loner but... This is too strange, even for him.”, Lance said as you turned a corner.

You agreed with him just as you pushed open the doors to the training.room. It was empty, Keith nowhere to be seen.  
Your irritation grew.  
Lance suggested you split up and search the changing rooms as well and meet up again in the main room.  
The girl's locker room was empty as were the showers, every student and officer either already at the site or on their way there. Going back to the main room revealed the two of you that there was nothing in the boy's locker as well, leaving Lance and you dumbstruck.

“You should call him.”, he suggested finally, “Maybe we should have done that before coming here in he first place but that can't be changed now...”

Fishing into your pockets made you realize that you left your phone in your room before you left it with Pidge earlier. You told Lance and you started to walk back to your room at once. There hd been nothing strange in the rooms you just searched and yet the whole scene was eerie and left a strange feeling.  
As there wasn't that much time left until you had to meet up with Shiro you decided that Lance would go ahead and join Hunk while you called Keith.

“We will look for him around the launch site. I will let you know if we find him and vice versa, ok?”, he nudged you one last time before walking off and you entered your room.

You stopped in your tracks. Something did not feel right. Looking around did not reveal any signs of disturbance yet you somehow knew that someone had been in here without your consent. Walking over to your desk you confirmed that nothing of importance had been taken away. Confused you turned to your bed where you remembered dropping your phone.

It was gone.

Swallowing hard you tried to suppress a feeling of rising panic and think logically instead.

Maybe you forgot it in the bathroom? Despite not knowing why you would take your phone with you there, you decided to give it a go. You were well aware of the time running out. Still, you had to get a hold of Keith and if it was to only calm down and laugh it off because he had been asleep in his room all this time.

You reached the bathroom. As you entered and the door closed behind you with a loud sharp noise you knew that something was definitely wrong. Immediately you went back to try and tried to open the door, which just confirmed your worst nightmares.

It was locked.

Before you even began to think of how something like that could happen in the first place you heard a familiar laugh from the hallway.

“Had I known that you were that stupid to fall for such an old trick I would've done it a long time ago.”, Tanja's voice was thick with derision.

“Tanja, it was funny. I panicked in the training-room. You trapped me here. Now let me go.”, your voice was shaking slightly despite your best efforts.

It took all of your willpower not to break down or beg her to just let you out of this room. You had no idea how she was able to lock an automatic door in the first place but that was the least of your problems. There were no windows to the courtyard which only left the door to leave this room and maybe make it to Shiro in time.

“You are almost cute when you're begging. But no, I will not let you go.”, she sounded very pleased with herself, “I already told you to finish up your business and stay away from Shiro. You did not listen to me so I am fulfilling my promise. You won't see him again.”

_Don't cry. Don't give her that kind of satisfaction._

“I have to see him off. It's an order.”, you tried weakly.

She laughed, the sound piercing your ears and heart, “No, my dear. I know perfectly well that it is not an order but only your egoistic wish to see him.”

By now your mind was racing against the clock. Was there anything you could do to get out of this disaster you brought upon yourself?

“At least... Tell me where my phone is.”, even to your ears your voice sounded as pathetic as you felt.

“In your room. I just hid it under your pillow. You really aren't that smart, are you?”, you could picture her with a sardonic grin on her lips.

“So...How did you know I would come here? Or that I would leave my phone?”, something told you that she had planned all of this way longer than you dared to imagine.

“It didn't matter where you were. I could've locked you up in each and every room on the whole base. Your phone was just a bonus. Now you are all alone.”

For a split-second you thought about asking her how she'd done it but you let it go. There was no point anyway.

“Please...”, you pleaded silently.

You heard Tanja moving in front of the door, a small glimmer of hope rising in your chest just to be crushed an instant later when she broke down laughing as if you've just told her an amazing joke.

Maybe to her this was nothing but a mere play. Just an action she felt was right. There was no point in arguing with her, that much you knew by now.

“Really... I should've done this far sooner. But this now... It's priceless!”, she was completely out of breath from laughing, “Ah! It's so late already! I will be on my way to the launch site now. Don't worry, the door will be operational again after the launch. I am not a monster.”

With that you heard her walking away, still snickering, leaving you completely alone.

You fell to your knees, not able to comprehend what had happened. This day started off horrible with a strange dream but this was even worse.

Your eyes were swimming as you realized that you had no chance to contact your friends after all. They believed you to be on the way to meet Shiro and only if you did not made it to the site by the time the shuttle was set to launch would they question where you were.

Too late.

Tears spilling, you leaned against the door, cursing yourself for being so dumb in all of the most important moments of your life. Of course it was a trap, Keith would never leave such cryptic notes. The only good thing about this whole commotion was that he was probably safe and sound bickering with Lance. A faint smile appeared on your lips at the thought just to be washed away as you fully realized what your present situation meant.

 

 

It was time for you to meet Shiro, you registered through your tears as you glanced at your watch. Sitting on the cold bathroom floor you could do nothing but let one wave of agony and remorse after the other wash over you. You had tried to call out as loud as you could, hoping that someone on the outside would hear you, only to realize that there was no one left to call for. All energy had drained from your body, your head was full of fog.

After you finally realized what you had to do, every possibilities to walk down that path were taken from you. You felt betrayed by the stars despite knowing that the only one to blame was yourself.

You thought back at all the things you experienced over the last months, when you heard Lance's voice resonating in your head as he said that no moment was perfect but the right people and mindset made it so.  
  


Training together was perfect.

Reading next to each other in silence was perfect.

Watching movies and singing along was perfect.

New Year's was perfect.

Discovering the cabin was perfect.  
  


You almost suffocated on the sobs that followed each of these thoughts when you realized what you failed to see for so long.

It wasn't the situation that had to be perfect by itself. It was Shiro who made it perfect for you by simply being present and himself.

You had been searching for the perfect moment to tell him something that was perfect in itself.

And now there wasn't any more time to even go as far. He was basically gone for over a year. This was hard enough as it was but letting him leave under such circumstances was just cruel.

_What if he never came back?_

You refused to let your mind wander that far, shacking your head violently. Hugging in your knees, you made yourself as small as possible at the impossible attempt so simply be swallowed up by the darkness that spread from within.

You had no idea how long you stayed like this when you heard a shuffling noise from the hallway. Immediately you jerked up your head and called out a faint _help_. There was no hope in you that anyone would hear you but to your surprise whoever passed by stopped. Again you called out, a bit louder this time as you tried to get up.

There were muffled voices before someone asked, “[Y/N] is that you?!”

“Keith!”, your voice was hoarse yet full of relief that he was fine, “Yes, I am trapped here...”

You heard him curse before something started to beep a few times.

“Stay calm... We're trying to get you out of there!”, his voice was shaking with anger.

“Who is... we?”

“Lance and Hunk are here as well. They searched me out and told me you received a strange note. Since you did not answer your phone we started looking for you as you never made it to meet Pidge.”

Hunk swore under his breath as he attempted to hack the door's controls.

“I am so sorry... I just headed right into this trap...”

“I should've never left you...”, Lance sounded as if he thought himself solely accountable for the dilemma.

Before anyone could add to the discussion a loud beep sounded and the door slid open, giving your friends a glimpse on how wrecked you looked. They were clearly as shocked as you were ashamed, trying to hide behind your hair.

“We discuss this mess later. Let's get you to the farewell-room.”, Keith said matter-of-factly, still agitated.

You looked down at your watch again and held your breath. There was hardly any time left at all which made you bolt and run as fast as you could, forgetting all the fatigue. Hearing your friends close behind you reassured you that you had to at least try. Forcing your body to its limits you turned the last corner and fell to the floor hard. With a groan you tried to get back up just to be pushed down again.

“Let go of me!”, you had no idea who these people were that found it amusing to let you fall over their leg and push you down again and again.

Before you could try again you heard an air shattering noise from outside. The windows started to shake and you finally were able to stand up just to run up to the window. Keith, Lance and Hunk reached you as well and all of you stared at the launch site.

The shuttle stood there upright, shining in the sun. It had just started the first engines which meant that it would only be a matter of minutes before it went on its journey.

With your heart beating so fast it hurt, your lungs not able to catch a full breath and everything burning you started to run once again. It was futile you knew, yet you could not help yourself. You ignored Hunk calling your name as you finally reached the room you should've met him in.

The room you wanted to finally tell him how you felt and to promise him to wait for him and his answer if that was what he wanted.

Even before you entered you knew that he would be gone, but the reality was far harsher.

As if to taunt you, the room had enormous windows which gave you a full view if the launch site. Pidge stood there all alone, looking up at you with tears in his eyes.

Another loud noise confirmed stage two of the starting sequence. You stepped up to meet Pidge at the window, your eyes glued to the shuttle, taking away the most important person in your universe.

“He told me to give this to you.”, his voice was barely more than a whisper as he gave you a small scrap of paper, “I... I am sorry. I tried to halt everything as long as I could...”

“Thank you...”, you tried to smile but failed.

Lance, Hunk and Keith finally arrived at the room as well, each with a anxious look on their faces. Keith's mouth was curled up in a snarl as he was barely able to hide his anger.

You all stood there and watched as the shuttle blasted its main boosters and slowly lifted up into the air. It was then that you unfolded the paper and, after you've read it, collapsed to the floor yet once again, gravity being enough to pull you down.  
  


_Wherever you are. Wherever I go._

_Please remember:_

_We will forever be under the same sky._

_Takashi_  
  


The shuttle had reached stratosphere by now, leaving earth for good, being cheered on by millions of people around the globe.

The speakers blared some comments up to you, “And with this, ladies and gentlemen, the Kerberos-Mission is finally underway! In a year's time we may welcome our astronauts back here!”

A year.

Maybe a year.

Maybe they come back in a year.

You heard your friends calling your name as you were swallowed up by darkness, letting yourself fall into despair.

Your whole world turned black and you were gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dear reader... I am sorry. I have no words for the pain I felt while writing this. Up until the very last syllable did I wish for them to finally confess... Now we only have the Epilogue left... Maybe things will be alright after all?  
> I will see you there for some closing remarks, but as always you can find me on[Twitter](https://twitter.com/justhinothings)  
> I love to hear from you!
> 
> Here is the[ Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhyRr3fH5Dvlzt9AzQ3iWPGNiZXxkdZ8I).


	11. Holes (Epilogue)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the hardest part  
> of losing someone, isn't having  
> to say goodbye, but rather  
> learning to live without them.  
> Alway trying to fill the void,  
> the emptiness that's left inside  
> your heart when they go.  
> _____________________________________

It took a few days for you to be able to feel again. Your friends did their best to comfort you. Of course you knew that it was not the end of the world for you to wait to confess your feelings. Still you felt stupid and the whole day seemed to be a single joke only told to hurt you.

“I know it's my fault and I can't blame anyone else... Why does it still hurts so much?”, you whispered at breakfast a couple of days after launch.

There were hardly any news about the mission other than them entering the next stage successfully.

“Uncertainty.”, was all Hunk answered since there was no longer explanation necessary for you to understand.

You simply had to accept the fact that you let so many chances slip away which proved harder with each passing day, the remorse trying to work its way through your heart and soul. Trying your best to not let that happen you dived into studying and training to not let yourself think too much about it.

On the other hand you felt pathetic for letting such a stunt, like the one Tanja pulled, affect you so much.

After that day you haven't seen her around too much which only made you more suspicions. Yet again she got what she wanted, she kept you away from Shiro and hurt you more than with any insult she could have spit at you. You refused to let that shine through, keeping a straight and smiling face whenever you were outside of your room.

Lance, Hunk, Pidge and especially Keith – which surprised you – were keeping a close eye on you, hardly leaving you to yourself.

The days went, by one by one, as the always have. You had classes in the morning and again in the afternoon after lunch-break. Without the tutoring afterwards you needed to keep yourself busy which lead to extended session in the simulator either with Caroline and Andy or with your friends if they were up to it. Your grades were sky-rocking as you had hardly anything to do but study. The glares and whispers slipped by and were not able to touch you the slightest.

On the weekends you went off-base either to your cabin or to the small town but never again did you walk into the arcade. You were enjoying yourself as you were keen to work your way through it – and because you knew Shiro wouldn't want for you to waste away – and you were trying your hardest to be happy for the most part.

This feeling grew stronger as the weeks went on and you started to feel like yourself again. There was no doubt in your mind that you've made it. You've come to terms with the mistakes you've made and the consequences. Even Lance told you that you appeared brighter.

You were eager for Shiro to come back and hear all his stories and the bickering with Matt about icicles despite the former being a science enthusiast himself and a very good astronomer as well.

After three months you felt like you did when you knew it would only take a few more weeks until you would come to the Garrison.

_See? It's not so bad after all. You're doing great!_

The shuttle reached Kerberos after a little over five months. These news were blasted through the speakers at lunch one day, causing the hall to interrupt into cheers and jubilations.

You and Pidge exchanged relieved glances.

The biggest unknown factor for the planners had been Kerberos' gravitation – or the lack thereof. To get the shuttle safe onto the moon proved what an amazing pilot Shiro was which flooded you with pride on his behalf. Now they only had to collect the ice and come back home.

From behind you you heard Tanja's friends congratulating her on what an amazing boyfriend she had. You couldn't help but stick out your tongue and roll your eyes.

This whole act got on your nerves and you hoped that, once he would be back, you two could find a way to make it stop.

_If he comes back._

You shook your head as you got up to store away your tray and make your way to your afternoon-classes. There was no reason for such thoughts. Everything went according to plan and the crew sent updates every few hours.

With a smile on your face you left the cafeteria.

 

 

_It was a beautiful morning, the sun had risen only a few hours ago, slowly making his way across the blazing blue sky. There were only a few white clouds in the sky, no rain in sight. The wind was casually blowing across the sand and concrete of the Garrison. Despite the fact that the year was already coming to a close, in a few weeks time, it was still warm enough to walk around without a jacket._

_There was nothing peculiar happening, no exams or big exercises scheduled soon. The evaluations before winter-break were still a good amount of days away._

_The whole scenery seemed tranquil to an onlooker._

_Yet there were no students in the courtyards or on their way to class. Not a single soul was to be found in the training-room or the simulator. An eerie silence made a home at the corridors._

_Everyone had gathered in the big community-rooms were a big screen had been put up. The air was heavy yet hardly anyone spoke._

_One of the last to arrive was a girl in her second year. She walked into the room with a smile on her face, surrounded by her friends. The whole group stopped dead in their tracks when they saw the crowd. Almost immediately one of the boys she came into the room with made his way to block her view, facing her. She looked at him confused and tucked at his red jacket to try and understand if he was up to something._

_By that time the other three had become aware of the situation as well, and tried to move the girl out of the hall again with jokes and forced smiles._

_Yet it was futile._

_Another girl with an evil grin walked up the them. The boy in the red jacket, as well as the others, tried to block her as well, but to no avail. She hovered over the second-year and gestured towards the screen, blasting a newscast on repeat._

_The younger one looked at the screen with a blank expression before giving the one with the malicious grin a small smile and walking out of the room, followed by her peers._

_How much does it take, to destroy a whole world?_

_One._

_Single._

_Sentence._  
  


_KERBEROS MISSION DISAPPEARS – PILOT ERROR_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We did it. We finally arrived at the end of PART 1. Their story will continue on Friday in PART 2, so I hope to see you there!  
> The reason why I wanted to split the story in three parts are mainly:  
> a) because I wanted to challenge myself in different fields with each part  
> b) I set up a certain storyline which works best in parts  
> c) the style in part 2 is going to be totally different  
> I am a sucker for angst yet I lobe happy endings - which is going to happen, no worries! And yes, there will be a kiss... At some point in the future. ;)  
> Part 2 goes up Friday next week as I have a busy week until then...
> 
> But more importantly, I have to thank each and every one of you who picked up this story and went on this journey with them and me. Your support, your comments are so very very valuable to me, I have no words of gratitude apart from: THANK YOU!  
> I thought this story would be read by no one but that so many of you seemed to like it makes me happy - without you I would've never finished this. You are all my MVP's <3
> 
> I can't wait to see you next week. If there is anything you want me to know, a scene you really want to see in the future, leave a comment or stalk me on  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/justhinothings)  
> I love to hear from you!
> 
> Finally, here is the[ Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhyRr3fH5Dvlzt9AzQ3iWPGNiZXxkdZ8I).
> 
> Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for welcoming me so warmly into this world of fanfiction and loving this story as well. Have a wonderful weekend <3


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